Good Morning Kassie, I agree with AJ too. I've come to realize while reading, reading, reading everything I can get my hands on about fighting for your marriage that some of my assesments of me and my role in the demise of my marriage were close, but wrong. I was a Martyr. He would ask to get out with the guys for golf, play in a poker tournament, go work out on Sunday after noon while S was napping or whatever and I would say yes. I would be completely agreeable and perky because at that moment, I didn't to be controlling or "that wife", the one who doesn't let her husband have any fun. Then later, when he was gone, I would start to fume, maybe because I had wanted to do something as a family, or I wanted to leave S with H so I could hit the mall without the stress of a small child with me, or I just missed H. He would come home and get the silent treatment or a snippy wife. I would also start calling and texting him "What do you want to do later?" or "When will you be back?" I think back to this now and just cringe. My very good girlfriend (I call her my Partner in the War to Save My Marriage)said "Maybe he is hanging around to see what you do, see if you go back to who you were, the nag, the martyr. Because if you do, he will never come home. I think you both disliked that woman and agree she needs to stay away forever." I see how acting as I did drove him into an EA. Please understand, I'm not happy about the EA at all, but I'm trying to be honest and real about the situation, trying to understand how humans work, and I'm trying to look at this through someone else's eyes, other than my own.
So Kassie, your H said it all the time too? Not just necessarily using the D word, but things like "I'm not married, haven't been in months.....We're not getting back together....if it weren't for the economy this would be done by now." A long long time ago, when he thought he stood a chance with the OW from his EA, he told me "I wish you would meet someone so you'll be taken care of and I don't have to worry about you." That might have been the crappiest of the crappy comments. If I push, and I have been lately which I know is stupid stupid stupid, he'll say things like "I'll file soon....I'll get the paper work in order." So I'm hoping there is no filing this week, or the next or at anytime. In our county it's just less than $500 to file, so that helps slow down the process of him filing--I hope. He constantly says he doesn't want to hurt me, he doesn't want to make this any harder than it has to be....and when I ask what that means he either avoids the question or he says something like "Just leave it alone....it's all going to work out." And then I do leave it alone. I've never pushed after that statement which he's made three times probably. I keep telling myself "Don't believe anything he says and only 50% of what he does." My girlfriend says I have a new mantra for the rest of this battle: I want to be happy, not right. The focus is to bring H back. To do that, I have to think before I speak, thing before I do. I CAN and WILL win each battle and then the war. I do have a great support system. Today will be the first day of my battle.
