Positively and Polly -- I must be dense or something, because I'm not quite understanding your respective posts.
My current sitch -- 2 elementary school kids. We both have jobs in area. She earns +/- 3x I do (rarer specialty). Both act pleasant around each other during in-house separation. No fighting, almost no yelling (W has yelled at me maybe twice since 2/13 bomb). Both agree don't want to sell house in down market, love our kids' school, don't want to do job hunt in down market. My job is perfect for being The Dad, b/c I only have to turn in 6 hours, so I can drop off and pick up school days.
Still not getting the "drop the rope" reference, tho.
As I posted earlier, after 1st DB coaching session went into MC #2 and said I get that divorce is done-deal in W's mind and think we should concentrate on recovering something (+) in our mutual relationship for benefit of kids -- not reconciliation but being good around each other. Have stated to her -- she agrees -- that this is immediate goal. That is purpose of MC #3 today and part of purpose of W separating physically.
No touching -- last touch was day before bomb. No co-sleeping. No ILY's from me (or her, duh). No "remember the good times" conversations.
GAL -- Started playing tennis every Wed nite at local university with professor friend. Volunteering at organization that does important work with disabled (relates to my specialty). Up-coming road trip for 4 days in convertible Vette with 2 long-lost buddies. 7 lunches since bomb. Going to concert w/ professor friend. Up on Match.com (and she knows it) to see what's "out there."
180 -- Very pleasant to be around these days. New technique w/ kids -- when they misbehave, I get quieter not louder. Keeping house tidy -- always one of her complaints was that I left my work lying around everywhere (which I did). Keeping a calendar and sticking to it -- one of her complaints was that I was disorganized and never knew what was going on (absolutely true -- ADD-man strikes again!). Set a procedure for after-school to make sure all i's crossed and t's dotted (joke!) on kids' work. Don't ask her if she needs anything done (dry cleaning pick up, etc.) which I used to do because, hey -- I had the time and everything is a half-mile from the house. Don't call her. Sometimes don't answer her phone calls. Short e-mails, no endearments, no R references.
As if -- Match.com. Joked about gay friend who told me he was "happy" (joking) about my situation b/c he always had a thing for me -- told W the other day "my attitude about this whole D thing has changed now that I've got my transitional man" -- both of us laughed sincerely. Reconnected with friends from growing up, college girlfriend "friended" me on Facebook and we've been chatting quite a bit (W and I are also FB friends, so she can see my wall and has asked, "Who's X?").
So that's my sitch -- not sure where I've gone wrong.
What I'm asking is for those who have done a PHYSICAL separation (not a nite or two, obviously) is to think back -- is there a "different" way to DB when you have less contact? Or are the principles and the strategies the same? Yes, I agree that DB'ing is about ME (i.e., "about you") but it's also, at least for some portion of the process, about trying to save the M.
Am I being clearer or not? Let me know -- I do much better vocally than w/ the keyboard. Thanks!
