I realized that he is still trying to act as if he has control over me and the R. much the same as when he was drinking. I recalled that what got through to him then and more recently was my decision to stay out of the way - to stop being his target and not interfering with his choices and behavior. I decided not to respond to the threats and negative behavior. I will give myself a break and let him learn what he needs to learn. It has worked so far, so it should work again.
YES! YES! YES!
Kind of the same way you deal with a 4 year old throwing a tantrum. The similarities are remarkable!
Nice job on the compliment.!! I hope I get those in a few years.
You are doing so well in keeping your boundaries with your H. Certain things need to be accomplished before there can be R and you aren't wavering. Good job.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well today was awful again. He kept confronting me at work - before the day started - in between clients, at lunch and later. The day started out with another message left - he admitted that I usually call him back even when angry - but since I didn't call at all he thought something else was wrong and asked me to call him and talk about it. I didn't. I was busy but I didn't call back because I didn't want to continue the dysfunctional pattern we have. Got to work -seems he wants a reconciliation and asked me what I wanted. Then proceeded to not care about what I had to say. He went off on a tangent about his life. I tried to cut him off because I had a lot to do. He kept on and I insisted he leave - it went on all day. He kept trying to convince me of something - and I wasn't buying it. I asked nicely several times to leave me alone and got a lecture on how I push him away. I thought it was more like take a look at yourself and what you are doing - DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT HE IS DOING ISN'T WORKING?!?!?!?!?
AT the end of the day I called him and acknowledged that he has a lot to say but I would appreciate him not doing it again at work. His response was more poor me stuff and I learned that his motivation for the reconciliation right now - (sly one and still self centered) . His baptism and confirmation comes up in a few weeks and he is upset that he has to go alone and come up with a lie about why his W isn't there - and he admitted that he needs my help with his sobriety. I told him - try telling the truth sometime and I gave my support for the last three years and two previous times at AA. I don't have it in my to keep doing it. His response was to say that he would never bother me again.
I feel sorry for him and I would like to be there for him but it is still ALL about him and nothing about me.
You must have heard my shout out. I appreciate your cheering. I know I doing ok but I am feeling kind of lost in terms of guessing what goes on in the mind of men. He and I lock heads, I have been accused of being more male than female in my thinking but I know when it comes to males I can't ever be certain because I really am female - emotional,hormonal,and in search of a prince. Pretty unrealistic I know. Thanks for stopping by. I'd like more feedback when you have time.
Hey Kassie, good job on setting some boundaries. He can't be doing that stuff while you're at work. Sheesh.
I think he's realizing how dependent he is on you, & he's afraid of not having you around. I could be wrong, & have been numerous times, but it sounds like he's trying to intimidate you into coming back. That's not a real effective way to woo someone. ya know.
If he's recognizing and admitting that you're pushing him away, he really needs to look at what he's contributing to the experience.
take care
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
There is no way that he realises that what he is doing isn't working, it probably IS in his head. The domination and control is something that will help him deal with his problem. He can't cope without you and alcohol at the same time. That is his latest excuse. Thing is, if he really DID want to kick the drink and win you back, he would be thinking a LOT deeper than he is.
I have discussed what I went through with several people and I actually went too far the other way. I thought the problem was all mine and sought therapy and help from wherever possible. That was how much it meant to me. Turns out I really didn't have a problem, it was W, but she hasn't admitted hers at all.
It's not just the alcohol, it's the whole "everything is your fault and now you must pay to have me back because I can't live without you" warped sense of reality that WAS have.
I know it must be REAL hard for you dealing with his constant harrassment and moods / anger. That is where the detaching really helps. Only you can stop reacting to him and it seems like you are near to mastering that one.
Well done Kass. Even though I don't post as much as I used to (more GAL stuff is keeping me busy), I DO still think about you and hope you are doing ok.
Oh, and the realtor. He just said what I have been imagining for the last few weeks, that you don't look anywhere NEAR 55
I think you all are right about his attitude and behavior. I keep forgetting that unlike my life - he has always had someone to take care of him. At this point in his life though he is realizing that years of his choices and behavior have resulted in him being alone. He still has family and they won't talk to him anymore. One son is talking to him for his own reasons, the other isn't.
I really don't understand why I am different from the other R in his life that he so easily walked away from. I'm the first woman he hasn't been able to do that.
Anyway, I wanted to say something in response to an earlier post that has been sitting on my mind. I know I am becoming better at DA and setting boundaries but though I appear stronger - and I am not saying I am not strong - it doesn't mean that I am not going through a lot of emotions, feeling alone, and weak inside.
Maybe I will say more later. I really have to get going for work.
I started WAH#3 in case this locks today while I am gone - this is my late night. And who knows what adventure will greet me today.
Silva, At some point my intention is to get onto FB -just been waiting for my D to make the time to help me.
Can I just say that your husband seems to be lashing out at you? Based on your description of course. Can't see his side at this point.
Quote:
Anyway, I wanted to say something in response to an earlier post that has been sitting on my mind. I know I am becoming better at DA and setting boundaries but though I appear stronger - and I am not saying I am not strong - it doesn't mean that I am not going through a lot of emotions, feeling alone, and weak inside.
Yep. That's part of it right? I feel that way often. Or have until a few weeks ago. I feel less that way now. It's taken a lot to get to that point. I think you will as well. It starts by being a day out of many that you feel a bit better. Then it becomes more days where you feel better than before. Then it becomes reversed completely. I think its because you forgive yourself and realize its not you.
What I read in this is that most of this is not you. I suggest you stop viewing him as the person you knew. That person is gone right now. Perhaps on holiday from life. Perhaps for good, but I don't think so.
I don't think for a second you are a bad parent. Because your kids are living with you while going to school? Please.
You need to take the focus off of him. GAL. Detach. It's killing you to not.
Him taking his rings off? He's confused. He'd like to walk away the rest of the way, but cannot. Why? Because he knows that it's not you. He knows it is him. Not consciously most likely.
Stop taking the blame for something that's not your fault or in your control. Stop letting him drag you into R talks for a while. And do NOT tell him how to feel or how he should act. If he's going to come back, he'll need to figure that out for himself.
In the meantime, figure out what you want from yourself and from your relationship(s). That will become important later.
Oh, and remember that he doesn't really want to leave you. He may think he does, but what he wants is change most likely. And not necessarily change from you. He may not know how to get that change. He may not be willing to do what it takes to get that change, but I'm guessing he's not willing to live with not getting that change that either.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
