JDOllie's New Story!

[JDOllie]

Also, I like to journal stuff too, just so I remember dates/times.

Anyway, another tidbit. S6 was up half the night coughing, kept me up too - I finally got some medicine in him, and that really helped, but it was 6:00am by then.

I texted W to let her know so if she went to the school she wouldn't wonder, and she immediately called me and asked me if I wanted her to pick him up - she said she wanted to go sleep and study. I said it wasn't necessary, but S6 wanted to go with her, said he missed her, so I said that was cool.

She came over, and came in and said, "Can I use your bathroom?" I think that is so funny. Obviously, I said sure. I was very nice, and polite.

But the best/funniest part was when S6 said, "OH MOM! You have to come see my new bedspread that Mammaw got me!" W's face tightened up like a drum - I've never seen a pair of lips thin out so fast!

S6 has his room decorated in monkeys, and he's about to turn seven so it's a little young for him. W had painted a huge mural on one wall of a big jungle tree, and decorated it. She is/was very possessive about the house, and I'm sure it drives her INSANE that my Mom is buying stuff for them, and we're going to be doing away with all of her stuff - and the best thing is that she can't say a thing about it!

I'm beyond gleeful, and I can honestly say that I'm not attached.

I have clearly explained to W what the consequences of the affair and upcoming divorce are, and I have clearly explained to her that I will file divorce on Friday - you have no idea what an unbelievable amount of freedom that gives me.

W is going to make her choices, and she will either reap the rewards or pay the price.

This no longer has anything to do with me. How's that for detached?

[JDOllie]

Well, I'm TRYING to detach, but W won't let me!

When D8 was acting all funny yesterday, she wanted me to guess what she wanted to tell me that OM said about W, so I was just kidding around and I said "She needs to go on a diet?"

So W texted me and said:
"D8 said you were questioning her over and over about my personal life. And assumed I got into a disagreement because I need to be on a diet. Thanks."

Heh, apparently she still cares what I think about her being a bit on the pudgy side! Although, the last time we talked about it (several months ago) I told her she looked great. Sheesh.

So, I responded, "She was very burdened by something, and told me that she wanted to tell me something, and said I could guess. So I guessed random things, and was silly. But then she said you made her swear to God not to tell me."

W: "I don't make her swear to God, that's silly."

Me: "I thought something bad happened to her. I just told her she needs to tell me if anyone is hurting her, but I didn't want her to feel like she lied to you. I don't care. I have no secrets, and I never said you needed a diet. I don't ask D8 anything about you."

W: "I never make her swear to anything"

Me: "It's fine, I don't care as long as she is OK"

So, anyway, W has specifically told her that "what happens in the apartment, stays in the apartment" and has yelled at her for telling me stuff before...

She is probably HIGHLY embarrassed that I found out!

Quite honestly - I couldn't care less what W thinks. I am not "attached" - I just hate it that my poor eight-year-old daughter is going through this bullcrap.

She should be worried about dolls, and pajama parties, and movies, and going to the park, and whether to choose soccer or volleyball, and stuff like that. Instead she has to cover for her mother...

Sad.

[Silver Fox]

It still amazes me how they all act alike. Last year before I laid down the boundary H asked "Can I use your washing machine?" I wasn't DBing very well and I reacted with hurt feelings and tears.

You do indeed sound very detached and I'm sure your W is starting to squirm inside.

I hope she makes the right choice.

[pearlharbr]

I'm sorry D8 (and S6) has to go through this too. W is getting defensive, means something happened. Hang tough.

[K4D]

Agreed. You did nothing wrong and hey, kids are going to talk about whatever is on their mind and whatever is going on with them. So if W doesn't like it, she needs to straighten up her act around the kids.

Kevin

[Tawnya]

{{{JD}}} Yeah I already told you that I HATE she makes them not to tell you stuff..that's no way to be at all and I'm so sorry your kids are having to go thru this blah

Hope your Tuesday is great

Tawnya

[silvagod]

JD,

Well you certainly seem to be detaching well. It's not about responding, it's about doing it without emotion. THAT is / was the hard part.

I know it's hard on the kids going through all this. They are remarkably resilient though and adjust very quickly. I do think it's a shame that W is asking them to keep quiet. Although it does show that she cares what you think. She isn't HALF as detached as you anymore.

I hope that whatever happens by Friday that you remain in the place you are now, that's the best place for you whatever happens.

Take Care mate.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Alright, I totally hate to see a parent type this:

I know it's hard on the kids going through all this. They are remarkably resilient though and adjust very quickly.

Even a rubber band, although it will go back to its original shape after you stretch it, is not resilient enough to return to its exact former shape. It is still affected by the stretching. So many people treat children like rubber balls in a divorce--"Oh they will bounce back." No, they won't. When my parents divorced, my mom did not lean on my sister or I. She did not confide in us. We were 13 and 15 at the time. We figured it out on our own what was going on. Before my dad left, my parents never really argued, there was no shouting in my house. Things ran on a fairly even keel.

Then, in one day, my entire life changed. My dad was gone. He walked out while I was lying sick on the sofa. The last thing he said as he walked out the door was "I can't deal with this sh!t". That was 25 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. It took me 24 years to forgive my father and stepmother. It is only through the grace of God that I have come to this point.

My mother never bad-mouthed my dad or stepmom, no matter how much crap they dished out. My stepmonster, on the other hand, took every opportunity to talk crap about my mom, me, or my sister, depending on who she was talking to. She lived for playing both sides against the middle. And my dad let her do it.

The scars of divorce will stay with a child all their life. No matter how well the parents try to handle things, no matter how old the kids are, they will still wonder what they did wrong, how they could change it, what could they do to get mom and dad back together. As adults, it will cloud their judgement when looking for their own spouse, if they even consider marriage at all. They will try to find everything they think their parents were not, in an effort to keep it from happening to themselves. Or, they will life with a guard up, afraid to let someone get to close so that they cannot be hurt.

I am sorry for my tirade, but I absolutely hate to see someone use that phrase. I heard it when my parents divorced, I heard it both times my sister divorced, and I heard it when my DH left. The counselors at the school have used it and friends have said it about their own kids. But over the years, I have not seen kids "bounce back".

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[JDOllie]

{{All}} - thanks for the kind words!

SMW - there is truth to Silva's words IF both parents behave. It is specifically in situations like yours where children crumble.

Unfortunately, in my case, I can only be strong for me and my kids - W isn't doing the same.

D8 told me yesterday that she wanted to be a mom, a nurse - then she said, "I want to be just like Mommy, except for the divorce. I guess I'm OK with the divorce, I just want Mommy to be happy."

Can you imagine the weight of something like that lying on an 8-year-old's heart and mind?

My kids are doing well - when they come here, they are happy, have fun, joke, play, laugh, fight. One thing they know is that I won't let ANYONE come between me and them, ever. Not even going to date, and I think that is huge for them.

[Startingover2]

Kids are resiliant but they still are damaged by divorce even under the best of circumstances.

You are doing good. Your child is trying to tell you something but not betray your W. That is sad. Just don't push and things will come out when they are supposed to.

I had an interesting day yesterday and trying not to read much into it. They are just words and we need to pay attention to the actions.