Thanks Puppy, I think there are more issues to come, and I would like to believe we could reconcile, but seeing as she is filing for D I have my doubts, though I will try every trick in or out of the book. Any suggestions??
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Yes -- to follow the excellent advice that you got from Superstar above:
Quote:
My advice is to use her desperation for it to end quickly as a tool to get a good deal in the D. If she is eventually willing to work on the R (and you find you are too), then you will have all the time in the world to do so.
Until then...this is business. You are going to have to live with this deal for the rest of your life. You can't control her or her feelings, bu you CAN control the quality of the deal you get now.
I feel very low this morning. I am condemplating taking all the tablets I have and just ending it all. I know it is the most selfish thing to do but particularly because of the children, but I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. I was told yesterday my job was ending next week, this is on top of my marriage failing, moving away from home and not seeing my children every day.
I thought by me staying at the house might give me a chance to use DR, GAL, LRT and anything/everything to help me bring my wife back to me. NOTHING has worked, she has not wavered since she told me it was all over on December 19th 2008. She even stated this morning that us being in the same house is becoming "harder and harder". I have pushed my wife further away, I have no doubt about that and I am at my wits end. I have run out of strategies, ideas and tactics to get her back. She is totally resolved to get her divorce.
I did go home last night with Can It Work's 'man up' strategy and I told her I would be sleeping in the marital bed tonight. After a bit of nominal moaning she went in to my son's bedroom. I also tried to be a bit more masculine without upsetting the mood, but the atmosphere in the house is strained. I think she is so far removed from me that she does not care what I do or say anymore. she rang me this morning to say there was a problem with the heating which I said I would deal with later, I also sent her a text validating all her parents support over the years which I recognise I have taken for granted. I said it was a shame I now realise everything that I should have done and its all to late. She responded by saying 'yes' is all too late.
I am at the lowest point I can be now.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I'm here in the UK too, I'm sorry to see you are here but I am pleased to 'meet' you. The first thing here is to not blame yourself, you haven't pushed her further away, she is doing a jolly good job of doing that herself and that is *her* choice, you have no control over that. You have to let go of the feeling that you can control her or make it better at the moment because you can't - at least you can't instantly. Be the best person you can be. This is going to take time, and a lot of it. It is going to be a rollercoaster and you need to buckle up for the ride if you want to ride it.
You have gotten some great advice and Puppy in particular is excellent. He has been through it. It is hard to implement at first because your instincts tell you it is wrong - believe me at this time your instincts are not going to draw you in the right direction - this comes from the girl who has made every mistake in the book before finding DBing.
She is saying that it is becoming harder and harder to live with you because she is not getting her own way - think of the way you would treat a tantrum throwing toddler here. She also conceded and went into your son's room - great job! If she wants this she can implement it. A wise DBuster said to me once.
" if someone wants to leave, let THEM do the hard work of tearing their life apart. So, I think there is a way to find a balance between letting him do the work AND not being an obstruction to whatever plans he may have "
How can you put this into effect right now in your situation?
I'm around all morning on the computer if you want to chat.
I appreciate your response. I have conceded the best thing to do at the moment is to move into a friend's house for three months to 'clear the air'. I have thought long and hard over this because all the advice to my string and everybody else's is not to move out. I 'proposed' I move back in the marital home in June when her parents house becomes available until August and I said she could go there. I said this in a firm, slightly assertive way. She agreed, which astonished me (thank you to CIW for telling me to 'get a pair')I feel I need the space as much as she does, also I need to remove myself so that she cannot channel her anger at me as she is talking in complete negatives at the moment, and I think with me gone, she can start to focus on the situation and her/our children's future. It probably will not make any difference to our relationship but I have tried everything to date but nothing is working. I have never seen her so focused and so sure about our relationship, she is angry but clear in her ultimate plan - to divorce and start again. I cannot prove there is anybody else but reading the DR chapter on 'Infidelity' makes me wonder if she has a 'secret friend' waiting in the wings, and/or she is involved in an EA. I have not found any proof to substantiate this but I just have a gut feeling - no physical contact, need for space, ILYBIANILWY, etc.
I am now running on autopilot in regard to the fact I do not feel any DR strategies will work for me, though to contradict myself I will continue to GAL, continue with 180's and possibly go grey when I move out. Grey because we are going to be discussing childrens issues etc. I am also confused because if I go grey I might be doing 'more of the same' as I am being petetioned for neglect and not being around for the children. Any thoughts on this would help greatly.
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I'm really sorry to hear about the problems you're having. You are still getting some great advice from everyone here. What JCJ said about her finding it more difficult to live together because she's not getting her own way is completely spot on in my opinion. She's beginning to get desperate because you're not doing absolutely everything she wants as soon as she wants. You'll find a lot of people on here comparing a WAW to a petulant child and in most cases it's true. As JCJ also says, she's doing a damn good job of pushing herself away. Where no person in a relationship can be completely responsible for its breakdown, I think right now it's her who's doing more damage than you. Stop kicking yourself.
While I can't agree with your decision to move out I do admire your assertiveness in telling her you intend to come back in June. The one thing I would consider doing though is going to see a solicitor to find out about the legality of this. Don't let yourself be barred from your own home. Well done on getting back in to your own bed too. It may not do anything more to help the relationship at the end of the day but it will help you to find yourself and not dance to her tune so much. Don't get me wrong though, I don't think it will hurt your relationship in any way either.
Please don't do anything rash Mark. I know sometimes it can all feel like it's too much but believe it from me and many many more men on here. It does get easier with time. You should possibly visit your GP to just have a chat through things. Also, if you can stretch to it, consider a DB coach as I've suggested before. The prices are on this site but I think it works out about �200 for 3 sessions at the current exchange rate. The time difference is 5 hours behind us.
Do you honestly believe that your wife has grounds to petition you for neglect of your kids? I think it will be a very hard thing to prove for her. She seems completely irrational now and is making all kinds of threats. The first thing you need to do is go and see a solicitor. The initial consultation is normally free.
Good luck mate.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
It sounds like the right thing to do for you at the moment. You showed real strength in taking that step and I think you executed it really well. The next few months are going to be hard for you, keep your strength up, look after yourself, eat, exercise etc. I'm really sorry to hear about your job too.
Here is a post I found a while back on going dark, I wondered if you might find it helpful.
"There are two very different reasons to consider for going dark: 1. Because you want it to show your spouse what life without you is like, and to get them wondering what you're up to. 2. Because -you- need time away from the emotional drama of regular interaction with a situation that causes you distress.
Either reason is valid, but it's important to know, I think, which is the main goal of going dark in your specific instance. If you know what the goal is, you'll be better able to determine if going dark is accomplishing what you need it to, and when to stop...
Think carefully about what you want to accomplish if you go dark, and if you do ask yourself every day if it's still moving you closer to that goal. When and if it isn't, adopt a new strategy. "
Also something to think about, would her having another man be a deal breaker for you?
There are many many DR techniques you can employ here. It seems this is a real opportunity to bond with your children and be a great Dad - if her complaint was neglect are there any ways in which that may be true? In which case 180 time... why don't you try setting some short term goals? Really easy to do and will help you feel so much better.
Lastly, she will realise the grass isn't greener, they always do. They have built up in their minds a picture of what life will be like once the LBS has gone - this picture is never the reality.
I also sent her a text validating all her parents support over the years which I recognise I have taken for granted. I said it was a shame I now realise everything that I should have done and its all to late. She responded by saying 'yes' is all too late.
Things like this will be seen as pursuing by her and it doesn't help you to see her answer. There are some very good, considered ways to apologise if you need to that will come over as strong and meaningful - this came across to her as too little too late and only reinforced her feelings. Before you are tempted to so anything like that again, please post here. We are here to help you through this. As soon as you stop doing things like this you will feel so much stronger and better about yourself - only a good thing right?!
My rule before doing anything impulse is to sleep on it, it gives you a much better perspective and there is no rush, time is on your side.
Its nice to hear from you. I appreciate your feedback and I can give myself a little pat on the pack (they've been in short supply lately), that I am doing the right thing in regard to a 'strategy'.
In England, the petitioner can cite any reasons for divorce (in regard to 'Unreasonable Behaviour') and the ones she is citing: - playing golf too often, neglect etc are not argued by a judge if I in this case, do not argue against the 'reasons' cited. we all know these are excuses, the real reason being loss of closeness, growing apart, but these are not ground for divorce in England. She has clearly noticed my 180's because she suspects I am going to challenge the neglect issue because of my permanent changes in regard to spending more time with the children, housework, more attentive to everybody's needs. This is not the reason I am doing this but in her warped mind this is what she assumes, though instead of looking at this as positive changes, she sees them as an ulterior motive. I have already seen a solicitor which she knows about, but being in the mood she is she said "I was going to use those solicitors, why didn't you tell me"? I cannot do any right and all she trying to do is to draw me into another row which I decline by walking out of the room.
Kev, is it worth me going to a DB coach as it looks as though my situation is beyond repair and the only thing I can recover is my self-confidence and looking to the future. Do I try and see even after our divorce a chance of a reconcilliation or just let it go, as hard as it will be?
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/17/0911:46 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I have already seen a solicitor which she knows about, but being in the mood she is she said "I was going to use those solicitors, why didn't you tell me"?
