The Flames are Still Rising....

[blindsided1]

I'm here. I spoke too soon SO2 when I said not much going on...as you now know.

H texted me this morning and said "you'll have to find someone else to watch K tomorrow. Dane (his new baby) is on his way out". At first, I started texting "Congratulations"...realized that would be a lie. Erased it and didn't respond. About 4 hours later, H texted "did you get my message from earlier?". I just responded "Got it. Thanks".

I know it may seem very unsupportive of me...but, I can't deal with this right now. I'm on the verge of losing it and need to distance A LOT. For now, anyway. My girlfriend took K and I out to dinner tonight. I cried some today. But, overall, I'm okay. I feel a lot of anger, I feel short changed, I feel neglected. I hate my H for not being there through my pregnancy. I hate him for being there for "her". It is what it is, though. Nothing I can do to change it. I definitely DO NOT feel the same love for my H, any longer. I don't even find him remotely attractive. But, nonetheless, it still hurts. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him with his new life and new family. I almost felt like he was expecting me to congratulate him or be supportive in some manner. But, I can't find that strength, right now. I just can't...sorry.

Most likely K's brother may be here by now. It is a fact...it is life. I have to find a way to deal with it. And, when people ask me if I am okay....all I can say is "I have to be, for Kendall". But, inside, I'm a mess. My heart is broken, my M destroyed, my family....broken. But, all in all, I'm glad this part is over. I don't have to wait in anticipation any longer. Their baby is here. Now, the only step left is finalizing our D. Then, I'm free. April 8th. It's only a few weeks away. Then my new life REALLY begins.

I spoke to his Mom today. I apparently knew more than they did. I at least knew they were at the hospital, they didn't even know that. They are coming into town tomorrow and want to see K and I. I told her we would play it by ear. I told her not to be angry if I distanced myself from H. She got upset...thought I was saying I was distancing myself from her and grandpa. I told her "no", I love them. They are K's grandparents and still my in-laws and I love them. I just said I hope they aren't angry if I distance myself from the sitch with H and OW. I just can't deal with it right now. I can't. I need to be far away from it. I have to. So, Friday and Sunday are his days and I am just going to assume that he will not have K. I will initiate NO contact with H. If he wants her, I may suggest that he not take K to the house. She is sick and it would not be good for the new baby. I have a feeling that K is going to be left behind for a while. That is okay with me. I know he loves her, but she would not get the attention she deserves. He can make it up later.

I just want this to be over. I hate to say it, but somedays...I wish they would just move out of state. Somedays, I wish I had never met him (except for having K, of course) But other than that...he really has not added to my life, positively (other than K). My friend told me that this is the only life I get and that it is way too short to waste minutes, hours, and days crying over a man that has no sense of committment or family. A man who doesn't and can't see what he threw away. I hold onto that.

I want to love Dane. I want to love him, because he is K's brother. I need to love him because I worry for him, too. It's going to take some time, though. He is a bitter reminder of the pain I have dealt with over the last year an a half. I will pray on this. I will pray for God to help me overcome my pain and hurt so I can love him as family. But, OW......don't really give a sh!t about her. That may not be very forgiving....but, I am prioritizing and "she" is NOT a priority.

Please keep us in your prayers. The days to come are going to be difficult. I just keep praying for strength. I wish sometimes I could be more like babygirl and accept his son. But, I don't know how. Not now, anyway. I just need to focus on me, for K. Dane will have to come second, for now.