WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

I think we had a good counseling session.

It started off a lightly shaky at dinner as she felt really tired and her ankle was bothering her. She continued to complain about her weight. I tried to change subjects and get her to talk about things that she was up/positive about or at least not be grumpy about. I did tell her I was able to work out going out with my buddies on Weds instead of Tues. We were just going for beer and wings (we didn't even realize it was St. Patricks day). I told her that I had thought her's was a St. Patricks day thing. As I knew she wanted to go out, I wanted her to be have the freedom to go.

When we got to counseling, she was starting to be in a better mood.

Our counselor asked how it was going. I tried to get me wife to start but she looked at me and said go ahead.

I didn't use the exact words as I wanted it to sound natural, but got the message accross of how I felt that the sessions have been helpful as I was open to finding out what was wrong with me and how that has helped me change. I told my story of my oldest son recognizing the changes which reinforced my intent of making the changes permanant by making the changes in behaviors into habits. My counselor applauded how it was signficant breakthrough in me. We then explored how my changes aren't just for my wife, but how it is making positive impact on the people around me (i.e. friends, children, work).

We really talked up the positive changes and how significant they were. My counselor talked about how it is possible to make these real permanant changes.

My wife even then brought up examples of how I used to handle things in the past that would make her very upset and brought up examples of how I handle things differently. I could see she was trying to speak of it not in terms of positive, but more of giving the example as not negative (i.e. how I didn't act controlling, or unsupporting).

I then got into how I still believe in the marriage and that it can work (I think that part of my statement was lost in all the discussions though). I felt that we felt more comfortable sharing and talking. I used the example from earlier last week where she moved her foot after I was carressing her leg/foot. In the past I would have over analyzed what she did and why, but recognized how she was able to express that it felt good and she was just shifting to get comfortable.

My wife then brought up the example of how in the past she would have been reluctant/afraid to ask about going out with her friends on Tuesday. She recognized how she asked and that I was able to work it out so I went out Weds instead so she could go out Tuesday.

Then she did go into how in the past when she did want to go out I would be upset. Our counselor asked why that was.

Fortunately I had gotten to the part of relationships in Love without Hurt. I didn't reference the book (recalling how it didn't go over well in the last counseling session when I referenced 5 languages of love). I talked about how in the past I felt we had to stay and function together purely as a 4 person family unit. That was my unhealthy paradigm of what a perfect family unit did. I never had that growing up - my dad left when I was 1 month old and my mom was always working so my grandma raise my sister and I.

I see how that paradigm was wrong as it stifled any freedom the individuals had and created an unhealthy codependency. I see now what makes the relationship of the family important are the individuals. It is important that each of us are able to develop as individual by interacting with our friends, co-workers, community and others around. That is what had attracted me to my wife, was her as an individual, not as a mom in a "perfect" four family unit.

My wife then talked about how I had these "crazy" expectations in the past of doing everything together. That's when I worked in that was then, this is now and I get it now.

My counselor said how my wife seems to be an easy person to talk to so it was good that I see that now and am comfortable in talking with her.

I shared with her how in the past I was afraid to share my fears with my wife as I didn't want her to see I wasn't the tough guy. I see how that was irrational. I talked about I had been afraid with her medical issue and how I was afraid of being sure I was going to be a good father when my first son was born. I said I was afraid as I have never seen/known what being a good father was so I made up an "image" of what that meant by myself. I see how that image was flawed now as well as recognize how I should have just talked to my wife about it. My counselor then remarked how attractive that is for women that a guy can share his fears as that was extremely intimate. I didn't get it, but just agreed anyway.

On the way home from counseling, we did talk and laugh about various light topics (no relationship talk) about our her co-worker's quirks/behaviors would annoy us. I did recognized how her attention to detail behavior makes her so good for her job as an auditor.

Not sure how it helped the relationship or save the marriage, but I had an enjoyable evening and thought it was positive.

I feel like I'm make very significant changes for me.