Hi friends, good to see you are still around to watch me and my insanity...
addie, that book is good. I dont know if you act like I did, I have a slight suspicion that you dont. The thing is, I felt a lot of anger for my H, and resentment. For different reasons than I did before we separated, but maybe even more bitter and passionate this time. I blamed him for making me make a choice I didnt want to. I know, I know, very selfish. But I am being honest here. So, even though I wasn't so direct and open when attacking him, I did. And I am sure, he felt there was/is something there, that he couldn't put his finger on. The reason doesn't matter, meaning it doesn't justify me. I was able to see that the moment I held him (rightly or not, not relevant) responsible for my unhappiness, he was getting treated with the same old "bitchy" behavior. The one I tried so hard to distance myself from. So, he kind of reacted the same way, only less direct too, since he was still trying to figure it out. Am I making sense here? Probably not.
The point is, I finally took responsibility for my sadness, grief,restlessness,misery, for my feelings in general and although he is not a saint, in this particular phase/choice, he had no saying. He didn't make me do anything. It was me and myself that made the decision. I guess it was time for me to..."man up". I am not "done" yet. I dont think I will ever be in a sense. But at least, I know better not to let that affect me in destructive ways. I am not making any sense, am I? Forget it...
H has been calling every couple of hours about the kids. I so wish they get better soon. I plan to start "leading" as soon as they feel better. Right now, noone can babysit for me, we are actually on "quarantine" due to my dad and that makes it hard. Poor kids have this fever since Wed my D and since Sat my S and they are starting to look like ghosts...
I feel better. Much better. I can see light at the end of the tunnel. And by that I mean, that this time it feels I will be doing things "correctly" and no matter what the outcome will be, I will find peace in my heart and mind. Soon now. K
