Do you know what March 14th is?

[Bagheera]

This topic got me thinking about the remarkable progression that oral sex (for me, by my wife) has taken over the course of our SSM recovery for the last 1.5 years. If there is a take-home lesson here, it is that:

(1) your wife has to begin to discover and explore her own sexuality again, or perhaps for the first time, and then

(2) she has to trust you and feel intimate enough with you to share her discoveries with you -- and not just keep them to herself.

BOTH steps are hard for a woman, especially an overworked / overwhelmed Mommy, to do. Many woman have had the Nice Girl's Don't mentality drilled into them so that if they DO start to explore their own sexuality, they may initially be appalled at what they find really turns them on. They have a hard enough time admitting it to themselves, much less sharing it with you. It takes deliberate work on both of your parts, time, trust building, and honest discussion / sexual experimentation. You have to both be willing to try new things, and if they don't work, laugh about it and move on.

For example:

For most of our 20 year SSM, BJ's were only an occasional 'rare treat' for me, done grudgingly for only a short amount of time, and never to orgasm. If queried, my wife would say that she just "didn't really like doing it," so I rarely put in the request -- and it became just one more thing that I resented about our infrequent and Ho-Hum sex life. Sounds pretty familiar to you guys, right?

HOWEVER, with the deliberate effort on both of our parts to fix our broken marriage, repair our sexual relationship, and to achieve and maintain a high degree of intimacy between us, oral sex (for me) has undergone a complete revolution. The change has occurred in small steps, beginning with my taking a much more dominant role in the bedroom, as I've discusses at length in my threads. In this area, if I wanted oral sex, then I needed to direct the action in that direction, *not* ask for it, but essentially 'demand' it.

Further into our recovery, we were listening together to an audio recording of John Gray's "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom," and John was advising men that during oral sex (for them) that most women hate having the man take the woman by the head or hair and direct the action, that we should be 'hands off' and let her 'be in control.' My wife stopped the recording and told me that at least in her case, John had it completely wrong [hint, hint]. Later in the recording, John mentioned 'swallowing' as a some-do and some-don't situation, and my wife only shrugged. We hadn't tried *that* for many years, and she honestly didn't know how she'd lean (it made her gag 22 years ago, and that was the last time). However, her indirect hint was again, that if that is what I wanted to do, then --> I <-- had to take control and demand it: she wasn't going to volunteer it. We tried out both of these hints, and she liked it, to both of our surprise.

Further along still, as the months went by, it became apparent to both of us that what *really* aroused her is when I took full control of the oral sex and really put some passion into it. The common term for it is Face F'ing or Throat F'ing --> demanded, forced, and a little 'rough.' It's important to note, however, that this requires a very high level of TRUST on her part: I am expected to never get TOO carried away (she is turned on not just by my passion and dominance, but also by my self-control in that state), and I constantly monitor her breathing and gag response, and regulate the action accordingly. It's also not something that we do all the time (over-indulgence would be a turn-off, as the act does push her endurance limits), and there are less forceful, more woman-in-charge times, as well: the variety keeps it fresh.

My point is: don't second-guess your wife, with regard to what she may or may not ultimately enjoy in a healthy sexual relationship. If your current relationship is strained, and if you wife has lost touch with her own "inner-Diva" and sexual-self, then you both may be surprised at where the road to SMM recovery leads. Obviously, your mileage may vary, and your wife might fit John Gray's advice perfectly (but she may turn out to be a wildcat is some other area that my own wife is not). For example, my wife has never been a fan of oral sex for HER, and we are *only now* at the stage were I am permitted to try it...for short periods of time. But I dearly want to return the favor for what she does for me, so I'm working on it. Every woman is different, sexually, so as I said in the beginning: (1) get her to discovery HERSELF first, then (2) get her to share (or at least hint regularly) at what she finds. You might be pleasantly surprised at what happens.

-- Bagheera