Hi, I'm new to the forum, been reading a bit. I just wanted to jump in because something about your thread really touches me. My husband and I have been through some similar throughout our relationship and are both really glad we've stuck it out and grown together. We both know if we'd chosen to grow apart at any point we would have been fine too, which is important, so I don't have expectations for anyone elses sitch. Making choices you can feel right about are generally best imho, regardless of others. You are the one you have to sleep with every night after all, at least that's how I think about my choices.
It sounds like you may be working through allowing yourself to be indignant or angry, in the stages of grief, working through healing and connecting to you, which isn't going to a place of connecting with him right now as you want to feel safe and figure out what you need? Neither good/bad, just an observation. My husband and I had to grieve what was (or we thought was) and to be angry about what didn't meet our needs, to be able to enjoy what is and be excited about the future and find ways to meet our needs. We tried as hard as we could to be angry about actions and behaviors, the ways we chose to try to meet those needs, and not judge our character, which led us apart from ourselves and each other. Are you wanting to be respected, cherished and appreciated and you aren't sure if he can do that? Wanting to be chased and pursued by him might perhaps give you confidence that he really means what he says? Are the actions he's taken big bold moves on his part, even if they aren't what you'd like? Is it standard for him to write 4 page love letters to you etc? He is telling you now he's trying to take ow out of his life. He's asking if that matters to you, if it makes any difference to you at all, if he means anything to you anymore. Isn't that what you wanted in order to talk to him and open some? Are you realizing that isn't enough now or are you making choices out of fear of further pain? I had to work so so hard at that, and of course I didn't always succeed, still don't. What could it mean on his part to make those attempts?
Did you see anything beautiful or to appreciate in his letter, texts and other attempts or only what you see lacking? Could only seeing what is lacking help you feel safe from the desire to connect with what touched you and might make you vulnerable to such immense overwhelming pain again? Have you shared anything you appreciate with him about his attempts, even if you don't want to get back together or feel trusting at this point? What is the fear in telling him what you need right now, more actions? Are you afraid any actions may be insincere and manipulative? Usually no one can guess what another wants or what their intent is. Would you (or have you) continue your attempts to connect with someone if you felt clearly & completely rejected? I imagine he may feel intensely rejected after his attempts to connect with you and feels nothing but contempt from you back which is painful for him to keep going back for. What support can you imagine he needs right now to grow and move forward and be a more whole person who might be able to really connect with and support you? Gottman says that the biggest indicator of marriage success or failure is contempt. It sounds like, in your mind, there may be nothing he can do for you? In our sitch, my husband will not push himself on me, out of a desire to respect my choices. He will make a few attempts and then let me know he's there when I'm ready. I have not always appreciated that, sometimes I have wanted him to fight for me, but as I look at it differently he is fighting for me whether I end up with him or not, he wants the best for me and he wants me to choose it. Do you expect xbf to keep trying forever, and more elaborately, even when it seems clear to him you do not want anything to do with him, unless your furnace is broken? I honestly wouldn't have jumped up to be your repairman either if I wanted to be your partner and respected and you'd had no other real interest in contact with me. Do you want someone who is strong and stands up for respect for himself too?
He is hurting a great deal too I imagine, and I know you were/are too. I lived many days, after our bomb, where my only thought was "if I can only make it through today" literally, it was at times terrifying for both of us, but we felt better trying to support each other. He went through intense pain staying through helping me through that and knowing how much his actions had hurt me. I have great respect for him staying to face it and help me through that pain, even if he thought I may leave once I was healed. I know for my husband, each attempt to connect to me can be full of fear because my rejection is the most painful thing in the world for him, he experiences physical pain, even going to the hospital a week after the bomb due to pain, so it can be easier not to try or to tune out or run from the desire. Your xbf seems to be trying to find a path back to discuss with you what future you may be able to find together, but I suspect he won't force it on you or try to sell you on it. My husband wants me to be with him because I want to be here, not because he convinced me to be here, or I'm scared to leave, so it's possible your xbf may be thinking something like that too?
Do you want there to be a path to possibility for that or not? Have you discovered you want more or different that what he offers? If you don't want to be with him, that's obviously fine, but it seems to me a response to his attempts, even to say you aren't sure and need some space, will leave some room for possibility as you work through your feelings? The more he feels rejected, I imagine the less he will try, and the more he will distance again, which will be not enough for you to feel convinced he really loves you. If you are sure, one way or another of how you feel now, then why not be clear about that? My husband and I found the less expectations we had of how the other "should" behave, and the more we could connect to the other where we were and see each other as human and imperfect, the more we were willing to connect and come back together and find support and unconditional love (understanding that doesn't mean you will accept everything behavior wise) for each of us being who we wanted to be. Do you want a relationship based on mutual connection, acceptance, support and respect, or do you want one full of expectations, fear and shoulds? I had to make myself make that choice everyday right after our bomb, sometimes 20 times in an hour. This doesn't mean I think you should choose him. If you can't forgive or trust again, then it is time to move on, for both of your best interests. When you look in your heart and push aside all the fear, do you see anything worth hanging onto or making an attempt for? Can you walk away at peace fully looking forward and open? Or will you let this close you from love as you move forward? I don't think there are any right answers, only answers that take us closer to our own paths. My intent here was to explore and support only. I wish you the best on your journey wherever it takes you.
