Maybe I should be in piecing part 7?

[breakaway]

[quote=Hope4us]

Now I know that it was anything but innocent on his part...it was very calculated. If there was a Hall of Fame for brilliant psychopathic liars, he would be in it.

Gee....what was his name, sounds familiar.....

I feel like screaming his name from the rooftops...please don't tempt me, lol. You have the added knowledge that this guy has a string of victims. Mine got to present himself to me AS the victim of his W. And you know what...everything he told me was true. I've been able to confirm it independently...something that happened with her during our R was even online. And he checked out, all his details checked out. You can even Google him. He and his wife are high profile people. Both insane, but high profile. The Great Lie was his personality. Not only was he not who I thought he was...he is the polar opposite.

My situation is complicated, I have the added stress that my H got diagnosed with cancer in the middle of this...so I had a lot of stress going on. But I think the main thing that's happened to me as a result of the OM thing is the inability to make decisions, and confusion...and a numbing out kind of. I can't decide what to make for dinner, I can't even remember what I know how to make...and I like to cook. When I went on antidepressants it was because of bouts of crying...like..in the middle of Target. So. But my husband is a crazy-maker too, so who knows where one starts and one stops.

Finding out I was only a target hurt, but it set me free too. But I don't recommend trying to convince your W this has happened to her. It's so hard to come to terms with that maybe some people can't.

[Yoyowife]

Hope4us,
I swear you could be describing my H. He is a master at lying. He was playing me and the OW at the same time. He of course always told me he wasn't seeing her anymore. I assume he was telling her the same thing. So a combination of lying, manipulation, and smooth talking I think is their recipe for betrayal. It is still beyond me how someone can look you in the eye and lie that easily. Funny thing is when I would lie to protect my source I always felt bad, actually I wouldn't lie I would just tell him that I didn't want to reveal my source. He always made me feel like I was the bad person. How in the world do they make us feel like we have done something wrong?

[Hope4us]

Ok, not the same OM. My W's OM is just an alcoholic, abusive POS nobody that knows what to say to women. I figured that out pretty quickly, just by the things she told me he'd say to her early on after we moved.

One of W's coworkers even told her within the first week of us moving here that she needed to be careful with OM because he was always fishin. W thought that was funny so she took some goldfish crackers to his office one day and left a note "gone fishin?"

I'm thinkin that right there let him know she was available.

I know my W hurts that he just used her. She knows he had another GF after he moved away from here while he was keeping up the game with W.

I haven't tried to convince her she was just used for a long time. Cheeseless tunnel and I don't need her feeling any worse about her self that I feel she already does. Lack of dignity isn't going to help US.

Has she come to terms with it? I don't know. I know there were a number of times over the weekend when she was either crying or ready to break down. And I think of her not remembering things or not being able to put a finger on how it happened even when she knew it was going there as a sign that she was in a different place. Was it him? Was it a combo of MLC/predator/relocation stress that allowed it to happen? That I will go to my grave believing.

Now the question is, will we be able to get through it? Your posts have helped me have a lot more sympathy for her. I just need to decide if she's not willing to do a few simple things for me to show me she gets it if that's a deal breaker or not.

Thanks Break. Keep em coming.

[Hope4us]

Hope4us,
I swear you could be describing my H. He is a master at lying. He was playing me and the OW at the same time. He of course always told me he wasn't seeing her anymore. I assume he was telling her the same thing. So a combination of lying, manipulation, and smooth talking I think is their recipe for betrayal. It is still beyond me how someone can look you in the eye and lie that easily. Funny thing is when I would lie to protect my source I always felt bad, actually I wouldn't lie I would just tell him that I didn't want to reveal my source. He always made me feel like I was the bad person. How in the world do they make us feel like we have done something wrong?

Yoyo,

I KNOW my honesty has hurt me in this sitch. I've revealed way too much about how I know certain things and by doing that I probably extended the time it took for their A to end.

I even avoided going to my mom's house because it killed me to not be able to tell her the truth when she'd ask where W was.

That's what I feel. Almost like I'm the one that had the A and lied to everyone. And there's something wrong with that.

[breakaway]

If she's crying a lot, it could be just from the unbelievable betrayal...not just of the person, but that you've kind of betrayed yourself in some weird way. To be fooled like that doesn't inspire confidence in yourself as a functioning adult. This is different from the kind of cheating spouse betrayal, that's it's own hell, as you well know.

This kind is that this person USED you ON PURPOSE..they played on all your vulnerabilities and pain...they are sadists!!! Soul-sucking amoral vampires. It's hard not to totally FREAK OUT. I gave myself heart, body mind and soul to a sadist. God, I could throw up just talking about it again.

And then, as I said, afterward you are in a state of mental confusion, nothing seems real, you doubt yourself. My H at least doesn't know about it. She knows you know and has that to deal with too.

Here is description of my situation(it's kind of long). Before you think I must have been stupid you have to realize that this happened over time...and that we were part of an online community kind of like this, as well...and he got to play this game, this pretending to be this charming someone he's not, on everyone, really. On the whole group. But *I* was the favored one. Lucky, lucky me.

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006/12/lures-of-online-predator.html

[breakaway]

Hope4us,
I swear you could be describing my H. He is a master at lying. He was playing me and the OW at the same time. He of course always told me he wasn't seeing her anymore. I assume he was telling her the same thing. So a combination of lying, manipulation, and smooth talking I think is their recipe for betrayal. It is still beyond me how someone can look you in the eye and lie that easily. Funny thing is when I would lie to protect my source I always felt bad, actually I wouldn't lie I would just tell him that I didn't want to reveal my source. He always made me feel like I was the bad person. How in the world do they make us feel like we have done something wrong?

hi yoyo...I don't know your sitch, but they do this because that's what narcissists do. Google narcissism...

[Yoyowife]

Hope4us,
You may not realize it, but you are at much better place than most of us. It is more promising when the OP leaves your spouse. Yes, they are still mourning for that "love", but they are not in direct "competition" with you.

Have you read ever read "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Dr. Ed Wheat? It is a very short and easy read and very inexpensive. You can find it on Amazon.com. I think that it would benefit you greatly.

Yoyo

[Hope4us]

Here is description of my situation(it's kind of long). Before you think I must have been stupid you have to realize that this happened over time...and that we were part of an online community kind of like this, as well...and he got to play this game, this pretending to be this charming someone he's not, on everyone, really. On the whole group. But *I* was the favored one. Lucky, lucky me.

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006/12/lures-of-online-predator.html

OMG Break. There were so many things in that that W said and did with OM. Did he write that article? Doubt it, but he sure has/had it down. I can remember so many times that after I discovered the A that she would come home p*ssed and run outside and get into an arguement with him and then she'd be down for a few days and then boom, on top of the world.

Some of the things I saw that he TM'd her were straight out of this hand book. Like when my W and I were at Disney together and we were having a good time and he ripped on her because he "couldn't stand the thought of her having a good time with that animal" and then later that night or the next day TM'd her all sorry for how he'd treated her and he couldn't live without her, blah, blah, blah.

So now the question is, if I want to save my marriage (and that's a big if right now), does she just need time? Will she ever figure it out and really respond to me?

[kat727]

Will she get it? I don't know but she did say she thought she was trying. I think continuing to call her on the rude stuff, keep take the R tempature and talking will do wonders towards where you are now.

You needed to take a reading. You knew already that you weren't where you wanted to be. However now you have her take on it too. Keep striving to get yourselves to a better place. It can't be the marriage it was before, that one was broken, but it can still be something pretty darn good.

kat

[Yoyowife]

Hope4us,
I swear you could be describing my H. He is a master at lying. He was playing me and the OW at the same time. He of course always told me he wasn't seeing her anymore. I assume he was telling her the same thing. So a combination of lying, manipulation, and smooth talking I think is their recipe for betrayal. It is still beyond me how someone can look you in the eye and lie that easily. Funny thing is when I would lie to protect my source I always felt bad, actually I wouldn't lie I would just tell him that I didn't want to reveal my source. He always made me feel like I was the bad person. How in the world do they make us feel like we have done something wrong?

hi yoyo...I don't know your sitch, but they do this because that's what narcissists do. Google narcissism...

Breakaway,
When you google narcissm, my H's picture comes up beside it.