I've moved here from MLC

[AJM]

I am just so confused because he says one thing, "we're not getting back together....if it wasn't for this economy this would be over now.....I haven't been married in months", you get the picture but then he's with us SO much and he doesn't have to be.

Not to make light of your situation, but I laughed out loud. Why? Because I've heard those same words, just about verbatim. Check out my thread - this morning she wants the two of us to take a trip and see what "..we have left (between us)" Wasn't very long ago (two weeks?) that I heard almost those exact words and that she still wants to leave.

Stop for a second. Think about what you see when you see children when they don't get their way or when they have emotions bottled up and can't get them out. See any similarities? Know what a time-out is? I think you see where I'm going with this.

Slowing down your relationship is a suggestion my MC made to me a few months back. She was right. I knew that, but couldn't figure out how to action that advice. It took until I got to a point where I had to take a break or implode before that became clear. The pain has been intense. It will be for you as long as you let him get to you personally. That sounds contrite as in, "why don't you just stop loving him?" but that's not what I mean. I mean that you'll have to step back and see this as some of us see it.

I see him trying to find a way to connect with you, but unable to figure it out. I see it giving him feedback with such force, he gets confused. I see it as the two of you colliding with your emotions because what once was easy for the two of you is no longer easy. Conversation is strained. Tense. Double meanins are all over the place. You can do nothing right (it seems). [bold]He's hyper-aware of every little thing you do. [/bold] Sound familiar?

At some point I think I'll sit down and write out the various things that happen in the script...in order as they seem to happen. I'll wait and see how my marriage turns out, but I keep pretty good notes.

Stop and take a breath. Collect your thoughts. Ask yourself about progress. On a scale of 1 to 5 where is your relationship compared to where it was when you started this journey? Check your journal. Have you been hitting your goals? If not, why not?

I think doing that, and NOT contacting H for a few days would be in your best interest. It'll confuse him too He'll wonder why you are not contacting him. Let him wonder. That's a good thing.

Remember this: Things will change. They may change for the better. They may change for the worse. But they will change. You need to focus on you and get off his emotional roller coaster (that's hard to do believe me; I still struggle with it but it's worth the effort). You need to focus on slowing things down. You can best slow things down by reducing contact. Let him have son alone. Let him struggle alone. Let him see what he's missing. Go out and have a good time on your own.

Remember not dating

Take this time for you. You'll need it because there's more curves ahead. But you can do it and we'll be here to help.

AJ