My wife and I have never been good at talking to each other about our desires. We both strive to avoid conflict. Not until September 2008 had I never uttered the feared words "we need to talk." Never. We never talked about our marriage. We've never talked about sex. She won't talk about it. I know very little about her preferences. And we've been together nearly two decades. This situation seems absurd to me.
If you are ever going to fix your relatiionship with your wife -- both in and out of the bedroom -- the two of you are going to have to start talking to each other about these very topics. If you can drag her to an MC or ST, then talking privately to a professional third-party might get the ball rolling, but at some point the real heart-to-heart's will need to begin and continue for the rest of your marriage. A good, healthy relationship REQUIRES frequent and honest communication, particularly about sensistive or uncomfortable topics.
For whatever reason, our culture is in love with the idea of the 'natural,' effortless relationship:
"If it's meant to happen, it just will."
"If he really loves me, he'll understand me without my ever having to tell him."
"Good sex just happens! It should be spontaneous! Discussing it and planning for it ruins it!"
Every statement above is a MYTH: a falsehood we tell outselves in order to squirm out of talking about uncomfortable things, AND which also allow us to blame our partner for things gone wrong in the relationship, rather than taking an honest look at ourselves.
Having a good, honest conversation about sex, for example, not only forces us to reveal our secret selves to someone else, but might also point out where WE have been making bad assumptions or erring with regard to our partner --> both things are uncomfortable to face. But both things are NECESSARY for a good, healthy relationship.
As DQ suggests, this may be another area where you have to "Be The Man," and take charge. I know that I have to, in my own relationship. Left entirely to herself, my wife would rather avoid conflict, avoid talking about her secret desires or complaints, and avoid potentially hurting MY feelings --> so she never brings such things up. I have to be one to initiate such conversations, and force the issue to the fore. In the beginning, she would get angry/defensive, give only oblique answers, or just listen silently. But with time, and **practice** we have both gotten far better at it.
The trick, especially in the beginning, is to KEEP YOUR COOL throughout the conversation, and not become angry/defensive yourself. This can be tricky, because she may very well throw out some criticism or comment designed to derail you and bring the whole uncomfortable conversation to a halt. Lord knows, after 20 odd years of SSM, I had enough raw nerves and exposed buttons just waiting to be pushed that it didn't take much for my wife to derail me! So do as I advise, and not as I actually did, a bunch of time!
Best of luck,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
