See, I don't take the comments from my W to be so much about her thinking of life without me as much as a method of reminding me (and perhaps assuring herself) that very soon there will be a life without me. The irony here is that I really don't think that's what she wants, but she's backed herself into a corner by pushing it through so quickly this time and since she isn't sure she cannot afford (both emotionally and financially) to push it this far again if it turns out that it is what she wants. Since she's already filed (which means nothing until I am served) she already has a monetary vestment in the divorce. However, she has a huge emotional vestment in the marriage. She has a lot more to consider and weigh out in her head than I do. On top of the common divorce issues, there's also the religious aspect (she was raised Catholic), and the guilt factor. I think she also feels guilty for telling me in November that she wanted to work it out and then took it back in February. She filed for divorce at a time when I was unemployed in a struggling economy where jobs are few. She knows that this will destroy me financially and emotionally. And of course, there's the kids to think about too.
The reason I say all of this is that, knowing her like I do, right now, while she does feel guilty, she is also trying to make sure that any thoughts against divorce are not completely out of that guilt because if she decides not to divorce solely out of the guilt factor, then she is afraid that either A) She will be stuck in an unhappy marriage and be a miserable person for the rest of her life or B)When I get back on my feet, everything will start over again and we'll end up divorced.
So, my mission right now is to show her that I am and will continue to be a good husband who is working towards a future for all of us and not just a future long enough to get her to change her mind. This is difficult and cannot be done overnight and I am fighting an uphill battle as she is constantly trying to reassure herself and justify to herself that she made the best choice in filing. Plus, even if she was 110% sure that she didn't want a divorce she is not going to stop it just yet because there is also that fear of how I may react. She cannot be sure that I am not going to tell her that I've accepted the fact that we're done and am ready to move on. I'm sure she has a pretty good idea, but she cannot be 100% sure since I've been really hurt and I don't talk about the R anymore. So in some ways I think she's feeling me out at well. I think a lot of times when she tosses things like that out it's to see what my reaction is to try to gauge where I'm standing on the issue. While I see these as little cracks in the door, it's too soon to throw those doors open and go running in.
