My wife reacted VERY strongly to D-then-18's criticisms and concerns about her mother's behavior during the affair. To this day, I think it was more my in-laws' (particularly my mother-in-law's) and my daughters' (particularly the daughter I'm talking about)'s disapproval of my wife's affair that did more to end it than anything I felt about it.
My daughter wrote her mother a strong, yet beautiful, 5-page handwritten letter, in which she told her how hurt she was, and how embarrassed and ashamed she was, after reading things my wife had inadvertently left on the home computer -- and even scolded her mother for leaving that where my daughter's little brothers (S-then-14 and S-then-10) could have found it! My wife and my daughter are EXTREMELY close (they are also spitting images of each other), and it hurt my wife very deeply to have to read those words from her. She took it well THAT NIGHT, but in the days and weeks that followed, she got real snotty about it, and made a couple of comments to me about how she "didn't appreciate it" how our daughter and how my MIL were reacting to all of this. I remember telling my wife "You don't get to choose how they react to what you did. What makes you think you get to choose how they feel and how they handle this traumatic news in their life with someone they love???"
I basically told her she had to sit there and take it.
"You don't get to choose how they react to what you did. What makes you think you get to choose how they feel and how they handle this traumatic news in their life with someone they love???"
The truth delivered in one big, fat, hard-to-swallow reality pill. I like it.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Puppy -- that one rules. I'm with Spellfire aka Mike on that one! AF -- heed it well. Not all of us can be bold-as-brass like that, but find a way to apply it to your sitch. It's good. She gets to choose her way; we get to choose ours. Because divorce isn't between a couple -- it's between a family.
It's ironic, isn't it, how the cheating spouse is always quick to throw around the "controlling" accusation. And yet they get flummoxed -- even PIZZED -- when they don't get to control how everyone they care about reacts to their selfish decision-making.
That's exactly right -- it's not enough to control someone else's destiny for F)(*)#$#$S)(UJKN!!@#$*@*&*@'s sake -- they have to control how we feel about that destiny. As my local ear put it -- it's just one long round of "thank you ma'am, may I have another?"
Son of a B#$%#$!!!!!!!! I'm having such a hard time concentrating today. I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS!!!!! WTF???? I absolutely hate her and what she stands for right now. This is so agonizing. Where's that magic wand that everyone is talking about? I've been looking for jobs all over and so far nothing. Most of the jobs require a master's degree, so it looks like I may have to stay in a few more years. Dammit! I really didn't want to.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
AF -- NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE MAKING DECISIONS!!!! ESPECIALLY ABOUT YOUR MILITARY CAREER!!! TRUST ME!!!! I MADE THAT MISTAKE!!!! I RESIGNED MY COMMISSION FOR W, AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME!!!!
Sorry about broadcasting over the Big Mouth, but this is serious Shi'ite. The economy is bad. We don't know if the president's plan is going to work or not. You're in distress. You're hurting. Hunker down in that career field like a tick. Earn the money. Build the retirement. HAVE THE HEALTH CARE!
If it's that bad, do a Pavlov experiment on yourself. Rig up a little generator, wire yourself up, and every time you think of her give yourself some voltage. You'll stop after while!
I appreciate it but I've already been in 20+. I know it's a bad time to make decisions but if I can find a job and move I think the space will provide the closure I need and I can heal quicker. I mean, it looks like she is going through with this. I know anything is possible but it is so painful to see her and hear her. I drove by her work to go off base and there she is getting into her car going to lunch with some dude from her work. ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
HEY!! Go post on my thread and quit thinking about yourself!!
lmao.
i really really promise you that sooner or later she is gonna come out of the fog and realize the carnage around her and say, "What have I done?" but it takes time to get to that point. She hasn't missed you yet.
Can you get it to where she only sees your D every other weekend? And then, only if your D wants to? If you can quit letting her come over, have her pick up or mysteriously deliver the rest of her things, then just let her sit in her quietness, silence, and aloneness and stew.
I really believe it works. Broken Open. I promise. Get it on the way home. It's light blue. Walmart.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
How can you say that? I was gone for like almost 8 months. Well, she did see me or hear from me everyday. We haven't worked out anything regarding my daughter. She barely calls during the week and when she does, only talks to D13 maybe 7-8 min max. Right now, my D doesn't want to see her or do anything and I know my wife senses that. The problem is, I think she believes that I've put my D up to this behavior and that is simply not the case.
And I am thinking too much. I freaking out about a bunch of stuff that I don't have to think about right now. The primary one is the wife--why she's doing this, why she doesn't love me anymore, why she doesn't care, why won't she try, why is she such a bitch? The next thing, a job elsewhere--it's like a fruitless search--I think I may be rating myself too high and need to look at jobs at a lower level or maybe hire a headhunter--something.
The next thing--am I ever going to find someone else? How? Where? How long from now? What to do with her? I've been out of the game for so long, how will I do? etc.
I keep going back to the comments she made this weekend too. I should have left in 1995. I left you more than a month ago. Quit being a baby and get over it.
Ok, breather--I've got a job. I don't have to retire for 4 more years at my current rank. Yes, it may be difficult being a single Dad but at least I will be able to pay the bills.
As far as the wife is concerned, Mel, I think you are right--she has to miss me and I don't think she really does at this point. Maybe if I stop acting friendly with her she will miss me? I honestly think she will miss my daughter more though. I asked the wife if she talked w/ SS yet. She said yes for a couple of min. I said good, he called me and we talked for about 10 min--she was surprised.
As far as meeting someone, I don't want to be alone. I need someone. I just wish it was my wife. We were supposed to go to Hawaii together when I got back. She was supposed to spend time with me at home. I wanted to go to lunch with her. I wanted to go to dinner with her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hold her hand in the mall. So many things, soooo painful--it's almost like I've regressed today.
My D has gymnastics tonight so I'll be running around a little bit and that will make the night go faster.
I wonder what she's thinking, if she's thinking about us, if she hates me, etc.
I wish I could just make it go away, all of it...
Last edited by AFWAW; 03/16/0907:33 PM.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
