I just can't seem to accept this

[kelaaron]

Regrets--

I hope you got some sleep. You sound a little better this week. I know you have anger and I know you cannot make any sense out of this at all right now. But I will tell you that you have to STOP looking at this as what he has done to you. That train of thought will bring you nothing but misery and anguish. You have to say this is what he did and this is how I REACTED. The first step is healing, and right now all you can heal is yourself, is to change your reactions. I told someone else, it may have been on here but I don't think so, that if I held all of his actions against him, then I would have to believe that my H INTENTIONALLY meant to hurt me. When someone intentionally hurts you, then they are not the good person you thought they were. I have been with this man since I was 17, so 19 years. Although there have been many things that hurt, I can't believe that MY judgement is so skewed as to have stayed with someone for that long who is not essentially a good person. That would just be self-abusive.

Were my reactions wrong? No but they were not good for me and although some good has come out of it (I lost 40 pounds, I have found confidence again) there came a point when I told myself that I was not taking good care of myself and I needed to. WHO in their right mind would ever want to spend time with someone who was starving themselves, had huge black circles under their eyes from lack of sleep, had puffy eyes from crying, who couldn't even smile? I didn't even want to spend time with myself. LOL. It takes a lot to get yourself out of the rut that you get into becuase of the shock of the situation. But it is necessary. Once you start feeling better and taking care of yourself, you will begin to be able to really SEE the situation and make decisions that will move you forward. It is not an easy process. The rug was snatched from under your feet. But you will get up, you will dust yourself off, and you will be ok if you choose to take responsibility for you.