Can you say: "Sweetie, I forgive you the A. But I still hurt. This isn't about you, it isn't about more recriminations, it isn't about tearing you down. It is about me and my pain. I want to hear that you hear me, that you understand my pain. I want reassurance that you love ME, that you want ME. I want you to tell my why I'm not stupid for trusting you. I want you to comfort me and help me feel secure. I want to not feel scared that you will run away if I show you my pain. Because as long as I can't show you my pain, I withhold part of myself. I hide myself from you. And because I hide myself, I ache for intimacy of a kind we can't have, intimacy that is deep because we reveal ourselves to each other."
Yep, I have done this and those were almost my exact words. Unfortunately, he will never be able to understand my pain. He can't b/c it hasn't happened to him. There is no way for someone to feel what I feel/felt until it happens to them.
He does love me and I know that.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Have you ever tried to deal with it together? You need your partner here. Have you let him be your real partner on how to handle the pain? Has he managed to be your real partner on dealing with the pain? Or, have you been too self-protective too allow for that kind of intimacy? Has he been too defensive to see your pain in itself rather than just the way it reflects negatively on his own actions?
Red, you know you and I have been in a similar sitch. I don't think your H is 'getting' it at all. He doesn't understand or he doesn't want to understand. I say this because my H, although him not knowing how it feels to be where I am, (because he was the one that had the A), he is still able to make me feel he is sorry for the pain he caused and I can see that. I can see that he hurts because of me hurting.....if that makes sense.
In my sitch now I would also be upset to find an unknown name on my H's phone.....but I would also ask about it. I would be all jokey about asking if I should be worried and who was this person, but I know he would understand why. If I got told to F'ing chill my radar would be pinging. You should be able to be honest and ask eavh other things. Working on a M by just one person in the M only goes so far.....eventually you both have to work at it for it to be a permanent fixture IMO.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
