I agree with Puppy, AF, who is a very wise and inspirational man indeed. My W and I had the friends talk. I was honest. I said, "Look, you're really asking too much right now. First, you're asking me simply to give up on something I value, our marriage. Second, you're asking me to overlook what has happened, because it's a 'symptom' and not the 'cause.' Third, you're asking me to project feelings into the future, and I don't know what the future is."
She seemed to get all that. So I told her that, yes, I understand that it would be *best* for the children if she and I were friendly. I understood that it would make the next 14 years (until youngest is out of "my" house) easier for everyone. But she needs to understand that I can't make that promise.
First, I don't know how I will feel about her as a person once this process ends, assuming it ends "her" way. Second, I don't know how I will feel about her as a person once I "meet" her fresh -- I meet a lot of people, but I don't like them all. And third, I don't know where *I* will be in terms of my relationships. Presumably it would be a h-e-l-l of a lot easier to be friends with (under that scenario) "X-W" if I was dating some hot young 25 year old!
So I think as a lot of folks have said to you in your thread, AF, especially PortlandDad, you need to take the bull by the horns and lay out the boundaries. There's a lot of differences between AF and Army, I know, and I don't know what your career field was/is, but if you've ever been trained on firing a machine-gun, you know that the first thing you have to do is fill out a range card and stake the left-right limits of your gun's traverse. Those are your boundaries for safety, given the tactical situation.
The same thing applies here. (Okay, now that I've preached, let me go try to practice!)
You're a good man, AF. You're serving our country, you're serving our children, you're serving your god. That's 3 for 3 -- don't forget it.
