alien invasion II

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm sure you feel--as I do at times--I'm tired of being told how strong I am; just give me someone to lean on for just a little bit so I don't have to be so strong all the time. And yes, I know I can--and have been--leaning on God. But sometimes it would be nice to have someone with some skin on, too.

Thanks for making me cry, Hoozh.

First off, I won't tell you how strong you are.

Secondly, I could use someone with some skin on, too. I have days when I exalt in the touch of a hair stylist just washing my hair, or my neice (who I see MAYBE once a year) just rubbing my arm. Pathetic, ain't it?

Third, I think what you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. You HAVE lost a lot, and/or at least have had, WHAT you had, change in its relation to you in some pretty dramatic ways.

Put more simply, your world's been turned upside down.

All I can tell you is that I care, and that there were, no doubt, some things about your OLD world that weren't so not, and that maybe, just maybe, what God has planned for BOTH of us is something BETTER on the other side of all this chit.

At least I hope so.

My prayers for you and C,

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

As always, thank you, pup. I do hope there's something better at the end of all this for both of us. At this point I'd settle for simply the end of all this!

[BeingMe]

Yes, I know the feeling of being told how strong I am, how courageous. It's kind/sweet of friends and family to see that in me, but really, I am just stubborn. I don't feel strong ... I feel weak, and dependent, and frustrated. But, mostly, stubborn.

I think it's okay to feel weak (even necessary), it's fine to feel sad at the turn your life has taken. I disagree, somewhat, that it's been turned upside down ... it probably feels that way, but you are just a little disoriented, which is normal when there is such extreme changes in your life. Still, farbeit for me to judge your feelings and the actions you should take (what works for one, could be catastrophic for another). I can only go by what my experience is and hope there is some small nugget of hope you can take away from it. We all feel differently, and our journeys in life diverse, and sometimes we step out onto the same station and go, "WTF is going on here, that last station sucked! And I seem to have taken the wrong train!"

I know by my own experience and that of many others shows that "nothing stays the same". This too shall pass! Just take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time.

Okay, I guess I am waxing far too philosophical these days. Just be kind to yourself, give yourself a break even if others aren't ... we all care about you.

[hoosiermama]

Yes, I agree with you. I also feel weak, dependent and frustrated. I do feel disoriented. About all I know at this point about my life is who I am. And I thank God that I haven't lost that.

I'm not as generous as you are, though. Most of my life I've been told how strong I am, and it has begun to feel as if people are saying it as they're walking (or running) away from me--not in kindness or admiration. Like, "whoa! sucks to be her! It could be contagious! I'm outta here; she's strong, she doesn't need me anyway!" That's not really depression talking--that is really how it feels. I noticed that in working with people while facilitating grief groups; it's a mechanism people use for dealing with other peoples' pain. I'd always advise people to say it at the beginning of a conversation, not the end, and to be sitting rather than walking away. And at this point, I can see how astute I was!

Bless your heart, I know you're sharing your hard-earned wisdom. I'm just so tired, tho, of taking things one day, one step, one hour at a time. It gets exhausting. I so want to relax a little and just be able to plan ahead, to not have to focus so much concentration on getting through the moment. I'm not always like this, but I do have my rough patches.

I am really really looking forward to seeing what is on the other side of all of this. That's what's giving me the strength to keep moving forward; the only way to the other side is directly through it.

[hoosiermama]

The bottom keeps getting lower and lower--just when I think I've hit it, I discover there's yet a lower point.

I was about halfway toward having enough funds to re-connect my gas (altho I didn't know when I'd be able to come up with the rest). And last night I worked at a banquet hall and probably earned enough to get my daughter the glasses she's needed since the beginning of the school year. So I was feeling pretty good; sore and tired!--but still pretty good. Then I noticed an envelope on my front door this morning. Being taken to small claims court to pay a medical bill from 2 years ago. Yes, I've talked with them from time to time, just like the gas company. And just like the gas company, they've been inflexible in spite of my circumstances. So this will take just exactly the amount I have saved toward my gas bill.

I am pretty much at the point of despair. I cannot seem to get ahead; I can't even seem to stay even at this point. Still waiting to hear from my mortgage company about foreclosure; hopefully I have been able to negotiate a forebearance. Most of these issues stem from receiving little to no child support for the first 6 months after H left; if I could just get caught up I make enough money to keep going. But I don't think I'll ever be able to get caught up, no matter what I do. And as a school nurse, I don't even know what I'm going to do for work this summer; submitting applications but haven't heard back yet from even one nurse recruiter.

Just journalling here, processing this and trying not to become so depressed that I get paralyzed.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Why are they serving YOU with this, when your husband is still the major breadwinner????

Tell them to call the Witch-Humper!!!

[naej]

Oh Hoosier, I am so sorry. I do know how you feel, kind of like a mouse on a wheel, running for all your worth and getting nowhere.
Whose name is on these bills or are they joint? I cannot for the life of me see how he can not be responsible for some if not all of these items.
Surely his daughters glasses!!!!
I feel so mad at him I might have to resort to getting my cauldron out and a few spells!
I really really hope you have got financial advice from a legal standpoint.

[hoosiermama]

His being the major breadwinner only counts against me--can't get assistance because of that. It was my medical bill for my shoulder surgery.

As far as the glasses go--he's got the insurance on her. The first several hundred dollars of medical expenses are the custodial parent's responsibility, regardless of who makes more money (and his salary is twice mine--thanks to me supporting him through grad school and residency).

His situation only seems to improve, mine only seems to go backwards. At least it's getting warmer; I only hope I can save up enough money to get the gas reconnected by next fall when it gets cold again.

[Andabelle]

((((((HM))))))

I'm so sorry. Your H is a right b*stard.

[hoosiermama]

I just spoke with the folks who sent me the summons. They were predictably rude and unhelpful. And apparently the amount I owe is now twice what the summons states because it doesn't take into account court costs. And they have no records of me calling to try to work this out--go figure. If I go to court, they will garnish my wages. I cannot imagine taking home less than I currently do; I'm feeding us both on $40/month. Not well, but doing it nevertheless. What am I supposed to do if they take part of my wages?! But the likelihood of me coming up with almost $1000 before mid-April is about the same as the likelihood that h*ll will freeze over.

Yes, he's responsible for the debt because we're still married. But he won't have to go to court; I signed the financial responsiblity form, it is I who will have to face the consequences.

So what this probably means is that I will have to move out of my house and find something less expensive. Which will mean my daughter will lose her dogs (well, me too) and will face yet more changes. And I'll have to figure out how to move without any assistance at all; not a pleasant prospect. Heck--not really possible.

I only hope that H is very happy and fulfilled in his new life. Because he's pretty much ruined ours.