sex and the WAW

[garyjlost]

I'm back at my computer after a three-day weekend away with my wife and daughter at a conference. My daughter and I had a grand time. We went hiking in a state park. Later we visited a water park. We topped off the day with ice cream. Meanwhile, my wife attended various conference sessions. No alone time with my wife. She was also nursing a toothache. So this was definitely not a weekend for working on the SSM situation.

Several things on my mind over the weekend. DQ asked (and Lucky before her in slightly different words) "What is keeping you in this marriage? Be honest if you can, is it just fear of failure or fear of being alone that keeps you there?"

Yeah, that's a tough one. It's been on my mind for the past several months. The fact that Lucky and DQ honed right in on that surprised me a little. But I suppose it's obvious. The marriage has to be satisfying, right? IS it satisfying?

Our sex life isn't particularly satisfying. No. But as I've been told by WAWs, it's rare in this situation that my wife and I are making love at all. This could have taken many months. It started immediately after I moved back home. So while my sex life might not be ideal, and the frequency might not be particularly satisfying, it probably isn't wise to push the situation.

But that doesn't mean I can't read and learn more. As suggested by Lucky, I ordered the book Passionate Marriage. Maybe I can immediately apply some of the things that I learn.

Again: "What is keeping you in this marriage? Be honest if you can, is it just fear of failure or fear of being alone that keeps you there?" I suppose I'm still in the marriage, in part, because of my daughter. Regardless of whether my wife and I are together, I know I'll be working with her for the rest of my life regarding Christmas, birthdays, other holidays, etc. It's best to make this situation work in a functioning marriage.

Also, at one point, many years ago, my wife and I were very happy together. I think we're trying to recapture what was once good about our marriage, way back before our daughter, before we bought a house, before we let life in general distract us from the marriage. As our lives became more complicated, we did a less effective job of making the marriage satisfying. We took each other for granted.

I need to follow up on some of the suggestions made last week. So I've got plenty of homework yet to do.

1) Spellfire: I need to read about your situation. It sounds very similar to mine.
2) Bagheera: I need to follow the links that you provided and learn about sexual archetypes and bad boys/nice guys.
3) Lucky: I need to read Passionate Marriage. (It should arrive soon.)
4) Everyone: I need to learn about alcoholism.

I keep going back and reading DQ's message about sexual addiction. I think she's probably right. While my wife has shown only slight interest in me sexually, that doesn't mean she isn't interested in sex. My wife doesn't want to talk about this with me, though. Many subjects are off limits. This is one of those topics.

I know this much: my wife is well aware that she has a problem controlling her drinking when she goes out with friends. She is well aware that she makes bad decisions regarding the men that she meets on these nights out. Since the first round of these problems, about 12 years ago, she eliminated some of her girlfriends--the ones she would go out drinking with.

Now, she says she's older and men don't make passes at her like they used to. I think that's bunk. Men will always make passes at women who act like they want to have sex.

If she would talk to me about sex, this would all be easier. But she refuses to talk. She argues that sex simply happens on its own. You don't talk about it or you destroy it. This comes from a woman who plans out every moment of her week. There is very little spontaneity in her life. I'm much less structured. I'm trying to get her to be more spontaneous on our date nights, but it's hard to talk her into really having fun with me. At the tail end of one night out, we stopped by a bar to see a band, and we danced to a late hour. But this is very rare. Usually, we just go out to dinner (at a nice, expensive place) and then we return home.

I think we're making progress. I think. But how can I know if she won't talk to me about the reconciliation? So before I left for work today, I left her a note that I'd like to talk this evening about the progress that we've made.

Maybe I'm just asking for trouble. But it's been four months since I moved back home. We know something about what's working and what isn't in the reconciliation. Shouldn't we be talking about these things?