Most Difficult Time of My Life

[Kokopelli]

Last night did not go well. I got home and she was on the couch programming her new phone. We made small talk and she asked if I could help get her contacts synced from her old phone to her new one. Of course I offered to help. As I began to connect her phone to the PC, I looked in her message inbox. I did not have long because she was just a few feet away. The inbox was pretty cleared out, just had older messages from known friends and myself. I knew she didn't clear out the deleted box or sents...looked in there and found messages from 2 guys. OM1 & OM2. OM1 is the coworker and the one I suspect the affair is with.

Message from OM1 - "oh $%*&, do you think he can use that against you in court?" & "sorry to put you through this"
The 2nd message I’m not sure if she received or sent.
Message from OM2 - “I’m sorry you are going through this, I wish we could cuddle”

She walked up on me and I switched screens. I was trembling with anxiety and anger. We continued small talk and she began to tell me how she couldn’t sleep the night before because of our argument. I asked what bothered her so much and she replied the conversation and my accusations. I said, doesn’t OM1 help comfort you through these things? (using his name of course) She turned red and had a strange smile on her face. I told her I knew about both guys, using their names. She asked me if I hired a PI. Then she went on to say that there is nothing physical going on that they are friends. I told her I was aware that something has been going on for months and inappropriate times of messages being sent and either way it is unacceptable. She then got mad at me saying she can’t believe I would snoop on her and invade her privacy, that I was harassing her. I went into the log of all the calls and messages I made and the messages I just saw and stated that I am not a fool, just admit the truth.

She continued to get angry and said she can’t trust me anymore, to of course which I replied, I can’t trust her and in the almost 9 years together I have NEVER once questioned her faithfulness or snooped on her until now. I mentioned the Victoria’s Secret website visit and she got livid, saying that she was shopping for her friend’s bridal shower in 2 weeks. I forgot about that. My mind automatically assumed the worst. However, I can’t believe nothing is going on with at least OM1. She said that he’s her friend and is at least there for her because she can’t talk to her other friend any more because I talked to her. I told her I know these types, I used to be these guys when I was younger. Waiting to take advantage of a weak woman. She then began packing and saying she was leaving.

I left the house. On the way back from my friend’s house, I drove by IL’s house and saw her car there. Went home and she had taken some things but not all. She left me a message saying to fill up the dogs’ food and water in a couple days. I changed the door locks. Is that the wrong thing to do? I don’t want her coming back in here whenever she feels like it without my knowledge. I plan on ignoring calls from her and letting her get the rest of her things as I place them into the front yard or garage for her, on my schedule. I know I’m upset and angry. Just feel really numb right now. At least I could sleep in my bedroom for once last night.

I want to text message her good friend and coworker and let her know what’s going on. I want to tell my IL’s what’s going on. At the end of the day, I still want to save my marriage. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m sure my actions are not inline with DB’ng principles, but I haven’t read anything about how to handle this. Today I’m thinking about taking her name off all joint accounts , credit cards, etc. She is making me so cold and bitter. I really did not want to be this way. Now I can see she has been nice to me to try to get things. I want to send OM1 a message also, not sure what I would say, but something along the lines of him having no morals and crossing the line.

I realize my actions have gotten me where I am today. I accept responsibility for my part in this. I’m trying to empathize with her and understand how she might feel. I am having a hard time with that though. I just don’t see how our arguments justify her actions. I know she is just trying to make herself happy now. I just can’t accept her behavior.
This has been a long post! I hope to hear some advice soon before my day begins, please help!