Lan, dont listen to Kalni sunshine. Look at her and where she is at...
But I have to say that one was a good advice. I have learnt that the worst thing a man can do is leave his woman alone, alone with her fears, alone at home, alone in bed, alone with her dreams, ALONE. Be with her. The fear of "abandonment" rules us women alot. Not in an obvious way. But it does. I have never felt more connected to my man than in the moments he showed me he was there for me. And that's where my H failed. Unfortunately... xxx K
I think I had this article or somthing similar in mind when thinking where I am now.
Kalni Sunshine,
There are so many things you've said to me in the past that I remember and I will never forget. Maybe you can attribute helping others as your sucess in life.
John'
yes I love W to bits but life with her is just drama, natural occurance or self create but it's just drama.
You know what Lan.. I have been around here a long time.
One of the things I have learned.. is that "this place" is a very good example of how we live our lives.
Everything that could happen in RL.. happens "here".
So.. with that being said. What is Kalni telling you?
She starts with this...
"Dont listen to Kalni sunshine. Look at her and where she is at..."
Right here.. she is telling you that "her" situation is different. But she can "see" where you might be lacking some.
Then using creative words.. she implies for you too look at.. your situation.. and hers.
Then...
"I have learnt that the worst thing a man can do is leave his woman alone, alone with her fears, alone at home, alone in bed, alone with her dreams, ALONE."
DAM syndrome comes to mind here. Kalni has been "alone" in a different way than your W has been "alone". Yet they feel the same way. The question that comes to mind for me is.. How can this be?
To me the answer is.. "their" scope of thought is very "narrow".
If you stepped on a nail and it went right into your foot.. what are you gonna focus on?
Now the flip side of that is.. you step on a nail.. it goes into your foot.. then I kick you right where it counts.
Now the question is what "hurt" do you focus on?
People tend to focus on what "hurts" them. Even if you did not "see" it.
"The fear of "abandonment" rules us women alot. Not in an obvious way. But it does."
"I have never felt more connected to my man than in the moments he showed me he was there for me."
I am here to tell you.. that these moments don't have to happen everyday. They just need to show up.. at the "best" times.
Think about it.. you just stepped on a nail.. and got kicked.
She walks in and says.. why are you laying on the floor? This house is a mess. What have you been doing all day?
Even in my "crazy" situation.. you can see where things can go wrong.. and where they can go right.
Maybe you need to catch her at the door.. and tell her.. I stepped on a nail.. and Forrest kicked me where it counts.
Just her being human.. I expect you will get a much better result.
"Yes.. I love W to bits but life with her is just drama, natural occurrence or self created but it's just drama."
Remember.. "someone" is always looking at the situation.. differently than you are.
Its hard to figure out.. what people really mean.. unless you understand them.
Keep it simple my friend.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
It's been a long time since you last posted to me so you'll have to forgive me if I haven't got the jist of your post. Yes, the sitch of K sunshine is different from mine and the way forward will be different, but I think I get her sentiments, that of a woman feeling all alone in an M and needing support from her man in times of crisis.
Last W and I stayed in and watched a move together, just like we used to. At the end we did talk some and she did let out some tears and let me know her fears for FIL and his upcoming cancer treatment. All I could do was comfort her and reassure her it was a battle that we would all have to face and fight together. Early this morning W woke me out of my sleep not for sex but just for me to hold her, I think she was looking for further reassurance from me.
So far this morning D7 and I have been to church and enjoyed a light lunch together, as soon as W gets in from her second job we will be out for the day, another family day.
Overall where does this leave us, not much different to where we were last week, cos I know W has a lot going on in her head and she does tend to ride this big emotional roller coaster. So for me, I will support her when she gets emotional but get on my bike and GAL when she goes crazy. (or do I still support when she goes crazy).
In my year or so on these boards and taking into account my sitch, I have come to several conclusions. Some are pretty dare I say pessimistic. Or as I like to call them realistic. One of the major themes around here as you may have noticed is the OW / OM syndrome. What I am saying is not earth shattering stuff but it is part of the basics of DB .... the stuff we tend to forget when we have been at it for a certain period of time. It is very difficult to compete with an OW / OP.....but unfortunately, that is what it boils down to. Lan needs to become the lan of old...the lan that his wife used to love.....he needs to offer his wife what the OM is offering. I know this is extremely difficult to do because our natural reaction (although it may vary from case to case) is to want to inflict some type of pain (usually verbal) on your spouse when we find out about it. Getting up in the morning and whistling your favourite tune while smiling radiantly is not easy to do when you suspect the OM or OW is still in the picture. Unfortunatelly, the competition has begun....you can be mysterious, you can GAL, you can do all kinds of things. At the end of the day, you are in a battle for your W.....for your marriage. Since you are from Europe I will use a soccer analogy. It is the end of the first half and things did not go well so far.....not even close to the way things went during the first game which you met this team. So you are in the locker room....wondering what you need to do to turn this around. Chances are the manager will suggest changes....chances are that the manager's suggestions will probably have something to do with how the team performed in the last game you played this team. So, what I am saying is change your tactics (unless you think the game is over). If you still care about winning this game go back to what you did when you were successful....otherwise you are just waiting for the final whistle and injury time may be long and a little painful. Lan, we all want you to win this game....but we are all fans / we think we have the answers....you lan have the answer.....you are in the thick of things.....you know what you used to do.....you know whether this game is still salvageable. You may think you are giving your 100%....sadly, it may not be enough. Only time will tell.... Ok, the teams are back on the field for the second half......the fans are on their feet encouraging the home team!!!
the soccer analogy I have in my head is that W is the angry head coach and at half time she stands nose to nose with me and screams in my face "Give me less than 100% and you are out of here". She goes as on to scream, "Where is all the potential of that promising youth player I first met, where is the great form you showed in 1997. Give me anything less than 100% all game every game and you're out. I have a bench full of youth, experience, and even down and out journeymen all of whom can replace you, Now pull yourself up, get out there and tear the f***ing place up !!!" John thats how I see my situation.
Today W, D7 and I went out of town and I, (no we) bought a car. All three of us approve of the car, D7 even claims to have chosen it, all of which is great. Now back to the analogy but real life, W says to me you're getting the big car (it's still a VW), you gonna put you own private registration on it LA 06 NZO, and just look how you're dressing. If your gonna be the big man in the big car you've got to dress the part (give me 100% all game and every game or else).
Actually on the drive out of town W and I started to reminisce about the times we both use to take afternoons off from work and just drive out into the countryside for romantic picnics and other such things. She says now you have the big car we can get back to doing those things. Today was a very good day.
Tonight W and I chatted again about her fears for FIL, I did my best to reassure her, I'm trying to be the rock in this R. Actually as far back as 1999 when we did some M counselling I was told that I was the rock that this M is based on and W was like a butterfly constantly fliting around. Funny eh?
that is a tough coach.....and that is a tough way to play....but alot of players find or refind their form when they take the game less like a job and more like a game. Perhaps that is the way to go?
Looks like the fun will begin soon on those picnics...glad you had a good day and confrats on the purchase.
This type of strategy is employed in the real world by the coach of the best team in England, it works for him but it's probably not the best way to promote a successful M. So I mustn't get too stressed by it all, just get back to living life and being the fun me thats always been there.
Hey Forrest
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
"Early this morning W woke me out of my sleep not for sex but just for me to hold her, I think she was looking for further reassurance from me."
Originally Posted By: FG
Her showing you the way.
this morning I put my arms round W 5 mins before the alarm goes off to give her further reassurance and her reaction was "Get off me I'm trying to sleep"
Now is she still showing me the way or am I just a DAM who doesn't get it.
