WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

Well just out of courtesy you should have called. Remember, while you're detaching you need to stay consistent in your actions. Right now you're at the point where you've detached, but maybe a little too much. We all do it.

Now you need to fine tune your detachment.

Stuck808,

I did feel sorry I didn't call/answer. Perhaps it was the 5 captain morgan and cokes I had already when she tried to call, but I just didn't want to answer when she called. I know I may have gone a little too far with the detachment.

I did call her to let her know I was on my way home.

I told her I hadn't realized that I was gone for that long and must have just lost track of time, but I appologized as I acknowledged that was wrong for me not to. That is actually part of my 180 - she had said I would never appologize to her in the past. I took it to the extreme the first 2 weeks and kept appologizing. Now I do appologize only for new things that occur or that she brings up.

That's a good suggestion about counseling. I like how you put it reinforced my changes as internally driven/real vs. from a script/book that she brought up during last week's session. She knows that I would go to counseling by myself if she doesn't want to go. We have talked about in the first few sessions. She thinks she's going for me as it "helps" achieve what I want - saving the marriage. Perhaps the twist of saying it is to better understand herself will diffuse that. I'll have to remember that one.

I like your line of "you do want to be fair to me right?". That can really be useful as she has all along said she was trying to be fair and nice. Hopefully I can get it across so it doesn't come out as a jab, but more matter of factly. I'll work on that one.

My concern with the separation - in addition to the effect on the kids (which is the top priority) - is how do you continue to DB when she's not in the house or if you never/rarerly see her?