It's Not Like on T.V.

[DrHemlock]

I get the "I understand" part. But in so far as DB'ing goes. I'm farther behind than I was when I started. Then it was "I committed but I'm open to being proven wrong." Now it's "I'm more committed than ever." Techniques? Stay the course? Or?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What have you done so far that has seemed to work?

What have you done so far that seems to NOT work?

To what extent do you think you have REALLY tried to COMPLETELY drop the rope?

Puppy

[PortlandDad]

DrH:
Separation has really worked for me! (Sounds kinds like that hooked on phonics commercial). Detaching has been a lot easier, and as others have said, it is harder (or impossible) to catch the W with the OM, so the natural assumption is that they are together and I just need to work on me and the kids.

[pollyanna]

Seperation worked for me. I was the LBS and am still devastated , but I no longer snoop or care what h is doing. Even though it hurts i assume he is with OW.

I dont need to talk t him or see him or see where R is. If he starts conversations , then I engage and generally get sucked into the R talks. But other than that I am sad but living.

[DrHemlock]

What have I done that seemed to work? Listen, validate, be pleasant.

What have I done that hasn't seemed to work? As if, GAL -- "that's good for you but doesn't interest me in the slightest."

"Dropped the rope"? No comprendo. My goal was reconciliation. That rope? No, haven't dropped it.

Separation seems like a major milestone on the road to divorce. Does it make DB'ing easier or harder? I "get" the focus on me benefit, but in terms of working the reconciliation. New strategies? Or is this the cut-point where DB'ing ceases to be about busting the divorce and starts being about moving on?

Thing is, her intent is to get an apartment w/in +2-5 miles of the house, so that she can come over and put the kids to bed, etc. With her commute she's usually not home until 7:30 anyway, and she has a lot of work trips (legit ones; I've done the reimbursement submissions), so the kids are sort of used to her not being in the house. This is a bigger "not being in the house" for them, but she thinks it won't seem so big if she's nearby.

But of course that compounds the DB challenge. Oy vey iz mir.

[pollyanna]

Ah ha ... Right your job is to show her then excatly what separation means !!!!!!!!!!

No coming over to the house when she wants. Set rules
Not included in day to day activities of kids.
No help financially
No family fun

This may seem harsh on your kids but it is a situation not of your making but one which you must create stability.

Physically there might not be to much change for wife and kids BUT emotionally and mentally it could be huge for HER. Not your kids because they have you.

If she leaves you have to show her how much she is missing. The consequenses of her actions and no doubt Affair.

[DrHemlock]

Polly -- I see what you're saying, but we have an unusual role reversal. She has the traditional "husband" role. Her specialty earns about 3x the amount mine does, so W is really the breadwinner here.

So "no help financially" isn't a strategy -- that's something she could do to me! How do I set "no coming over when you want" rules when the only reason we have the house is her salary?

And "not included in day to day activities of kids" is also already the case. She goes to child's classroom 1x a week, but that's a contractual agreement with school. Otherwise, it's all me -- I go to work after kids go to school and come back at end of day to pick them up.

Many weekends she's gone as well (see my earlier post).

Anyone have any other ideas?

[DrHemlock]

Realized I never responded to Puppy on 3/12 here.

I wrote that W put in an email she left open on my computer "The MC warned him there might not be anything behind the anger. There isn't, believe me."

Puppy replied on 3/12: "Who did she write that to?"

She wrote it to her closest girlfriend, who is divorced and remarried but no kids.

[DrHemlock]

Advice on the DB process and skill-set required when you are physically separated, please.

[PositivelyMommy]

DrHemlock, I get the sense that you wish with all your might that your W will reconsider and move back in with you. What everyone here is trying to tell you is that the harder you hold on, the more she wants to get away. That's why 'drop the rope' is a strategy that many have tried. It doesn't mean that you give up on your M. It just means that you find in yourself a way in which you can 'let go' of what is happening within your W, to concentrate on your life for awhile and not try to hold on so hard.

If you can't find it within yourself to drop the rope, then you need to act 'as if' you have dropped the rope. The point of which is to convince your W that you are continuing on with your life without her and you are doing very well, that you are confident and strong and attractive and you don't NEED her.

Our WAS are finding us too clingy right now, too dependent and we have become a burden to them. It could be totally unfounded, of course, but that is what they think so we just need to accept it. So by dropping the rope, in her eyes, you stop becoming the clingy, whiny pathetic mess that she is no longer attracted to. Instead you will be acting more like someone who is a potential BF material. This will take a long time and much more patience that you ever thought you will need. But if you really want to save your M then you need to have loads of patience and acting ability.

So DrHemlock, think Heath Ledger, Sean Penn, Robert De Niro. If she says anything that makes you nervous about her moving ever further away from you, don't panic. Just agree with her (again, acting ability). She won't be expecting it. Reverse psychology is an extremely powerful tool!