WoM: You are in a tough spot, no doubt about it, but now is not time to change the game plan. Your W acknowledged that you are making changes, and that is a good start, but don't flush your whole playbook because the other team recovered a fumble!
You need to learn to validate their feelings. Tell her "I understand how you feel", "I can see why you think", "That makes sense", etc.
Don't give up un what you want, but don't despair either. A divorce will take time no matter what, so you will have time.
What was your response when she said she wanted a divorce?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
{{Working}} Portland is right..she did notice your changes, which is a great sign. Validation is really important and to hang in there and keep on doing what you are doing for YOU..
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
It's very hard not feeling as though there is no chance.
Now today she is being totally nice and friendly to me, like she finally got it off her chest, ya know.
She also told me that a month ago when she told me she wanted a separation she was not even considering a divorce, but now as time has gone on she is feeling as though that is the only way to go more and more.
How should I frame that in my mind?
I don't even know how to be around her now.
She even came in the living room this morning and was showing me a new shirt she bought and ask me how it looked on her. How am I supposed to respond?
Ya see, she looks better now than she has since we met when I had just turned 21 and she just turned 19. She has lost so much weight and is taking such great care of herself. She never cared or bothered to until last year. in addition, she has been growing her hair out, she had been getting it cut real short for several years, i love long hair and she knows it. She even told me today that she wants to grow it really long, i think I slipped into the ZONE for a few seconds because she said I was just staring off into space. She asked me what I was thinking, what I was thinking was why are you only making these changes now that you want to leave me, why didn't you want to grow your hair out and take care of your health before?
I just don't know how to be or respond when she talks to me about how she looks and the changes in her dressing style, etc.
Simply tell her you don't think it's appropriate to be having that kind of conversation given where the two of you are at. And if she pushes it, tell her you're not GOING to have that kind of conversation given where the two of you are at. Believe me, I know where you're coming from. I have to watch my wife walk out the door for work every day, and she is a fine-looking woman indeed. I don't need that kind of hassle. Fortunately I think she's sensitive enough not to ask, because she always did when we were "married."
WOM: Lots of people here are in a similar place, or have been in a similar place that you are in. There is a LOT of good advice for you in your thread. Take a few minutes and read back through the things that have been written. This is solid advice; if you listen to it, you will have your BEST chance for a favorable outcome.
Listen, there is not a force on this earth that can make your W come back to you, and all your thinking, analysis, and words aren't going to help. What is going to help is to if you will just detach, detach, and detach! Stop thinking about HOW to respond, or how to think about what is going on. Think about it this way: what she is doing to you is exactly what you need to do to her! She is working on herself, right? Losing weight, changing her appearance, taking care of her health... dude! She is detaching!
It is the hardest thing in the world to do, believe me I do know, but you must detach, GAL, and start taking care of yourself if you even want to have a chance at saving your M. Stop going down cheeseless tunnels!
If you don't want to follow the advice of the veterans here (and I do not consider myself to be one of them yet) then if you have the funds, I would recommend getting a DB coach: these guys and gals are pros, but they are going to tell you basically the same thing that you are hearing here. Getting a DB coach might be easier if you need someone who can tailor your gameplan for you.
Man, I am praying for you and your W, but you need to stick to the plan. Go back and re-read DB/DR, detach, GAL, and start your 180s.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I am just going to repeat what Portland said only because I know how long it took me to REALLY get it..but trying to find a way to detach is SOOOOO key and vital to YOUR well being I can't even begin to tell you..because then and ONLY then will you be able to be completely happy no matter what
Am I saying that once you detach you never think about anything? NO..I still have moments, all of my friends on here still have moments, but they are much quicker and much further in between!
And I wish I could give you the "magic key" for how to detach, unfortunately there isn't one and it seems different for everyone!
Hang in there, read as much as you can on these boards, and listen to these very wise people!!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Thank you so much for checking back in with me so often, it means the world to me to have such a brave and loving support group.
You are god sent!
By the way I went over to my paents last night and gave them the update and told them how much it has meant to me to have found such a supportive and safe place to be here on DB's.
The wife never totally fest up to the fact that she bought tickiets to see a band in a tiny night club in a city 3.5 hrs. away on a wednesday night, April 8th. She did tell me on Saturday that when she bought the tickets she asked one of her female coworkers, but pretty much new she would not want to go seeing as it is a work night and a long drive. So, she asked Matt to go as well if her female friend declined. She then said she new I would have wanted to go, but she did not want me to go with her because she wants to get to know the band members, drummer in particular. She said that if I were there she would be unlikely to go and talk to the band members because my presence doesn't allow her to be herself. So that's why she had not told me. In addition, she knows how it destroyed me when she told me that she bought tickets and made plans with Matt the first time without telling me.
How do I deal with this?
She I tell her I think it's inappropriate for her to go with him?
She i talk to Matt and tell him I think it's inappropriate?
The only way is to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse -- sit down and lay it out. What you are willing to talk about, what you're not willing to talk about. What you consider your business (i.e., the 2 boys), what you don't consider your business (her stupid flirtation with band members at the age of 37 -- um, grow up! 'Cause they ain't flattered, they're laughing). And tell her in no uncertain terms that you will discuss the In-Bounds topics with her civilly, but you absolutely refuse to engage the Out-of-Bounds topics, Full Stop.
Of course, you're going to have to be prepared to walk that walk. But if you don't you'll lose your sanity. Just look at me -- I'm writing this from inside a padded room....
