Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[Thinker]

So I got that look from my W tonight. The look that I haven't seen in a while. The look that says "I am miserable, I hate what is going on in my life, I blame you for all of it, and I am not going to talk about".

I have learned to fear that look.

In the past I have learned that that look means she is stewing over ways that she feels wronged. In the past I have also learned that at least some of the time the look means that she is thinking that she would like to quit the R and the M and run away, but does not want to say that.

Today I got the look after talking to her briefly about her mothers cancer and trying to comfort her. She changed the subject briefly to talk about subjects where she was upset with me or my family, and then went silent - just sitting there staring straight ahead.

Like before, I tried to get her to talk - to open up and tell me what was eating her and got only "I don't want to talk".

I left for a minute and came back and told her "I can see that you are upset and that it has to do with me. I have to tell you that I can tell that, but also that I am not a mind reader. As much as I would like to, I can not tell what you are upset about"

She replied only "I'm Fine"

"You're not Fine"

We then both left the room.

A bit later, I broke down and went to find her - but told her only that I was tired of this cycle and this game where she is upset, lets me know that she is upset, but then where I am supposed to guess, and I am not playing the game any more.

she asked (defensively) "What does that mean?"

I replied that if she is not going to talk, then I am not going to feel responsible for her unhappiness any more. (unfortunately, I was probably a bit more wordy and not as clear when I said it)

She didn't respond.

I left the room after a long silence.

I went to bed.

She came to bed a bit later without saying anything.

We both lay there awake for almost an hour. Neither saying anything.

I finally couldn't take it any more and get up to journal - let off some steam. I wasn't going to get any sleep that way, and I know from experience that if I tried to talk to her or engage her in any way she would reject the attempt.

I hate this! It goes completely counter to every instinct that I have. I dislike tension and I feel compelled to help when she is upset - and especially compelled to fix the situation if she is upset at me. Combine that with my desire to feel connected and every fiber of me says engage and talk about it - and my brain says No! Stop! don't try that again!

Sometimes I just want to shake her, tickle her, or just plain start dancing or just do anything to break her out of it, but I know that these things won't work either - I know, I have tried in the past. They all result in an angry "Stop!, What are you doing?!"

I'm getting better - a couple of months ago I would have gotten angry and followed her around and tried to force her to talk. Now...well, I am still not there but...

I really wish that either a) she would talk to me about what she is feeling and we could work through it (maybe an impossible dream) or b) I was not as affected by it and could just say "OK then, I'll see you when you are in a better mood"

Until then, I'll try to settle for only getting a little bit upset, walking away, and blowing off steam by journaling...

Any ideas?