What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[AFWAW]

Ok, the wife just stopped over unannounced. She called from the driveway and I ignored the call to the house phone and cell phone before I realized that she was in the driveway. She called again and I answered. She said can you let me in? Sure, she had stopped by to pay child support. She asked why there was no garage door opener in the truck. She has a key to it. Anyway, I said why do you need access to the house? She said, is this about last night? I said, no but when are you going to get the rest of your stuff out? She said if I can borrow the truck then this week. And then I'll never come over here again if that's what you want. I said that's up to you and sat down and ignored her. She said are you looking to fight? I looked at her and said no. She saw my No More Nice Guy book and said what's that about. I said I don't know, I havent' read it yet. My daughter seemed awfully awkward as well while she was here. The wife stated well, it seems like I'm bothering you so I'll leave. She was here maybe 5 minutes max. Ugggghhhhhh

So all in all, not a great moment for me as far as DBing is concerned. I have been way too nice about the whole thing anyway. My grade for DBing today has got to be an F but I'm so mad at her right now, I just don't care.

[Mellenmack]

Actually, I think you did good. And let me tell you why. "It seems like I'm bothering you so I'll leave" is code for "I'm an imposition. I'm a victim in this. Poor pity me, the family I left doesn't want me anymore. wah-wah."

So I think it's GREAT if you left it at that. Let her sit and stew.

On the other hand, I would like for you to take the high road and put your ring back on. You're still married til the papers are signed. It is a sign of disrespect (to yourself, your daughter, and the M, and your wife, but we won't go there). It really torqued me when I saw H without his rings. I took mine off after I noticed he didn't have his on. I even waited a couple days to make sure it wasn't a one time deal. It wasn't. I took mine off and when he noticed he called me on it. To which I was able to reply "I only took mine off because I saw you did." This was after I realized I wanted to work on the M. I regret it now. After a few weeks, I put them back on. Then after he took her home for Christmas, I gave him the rings and told them I didn't want them or care about them unless he was putting them back on my fingers. I wanted there to be meaning behind why I wore them - I falsely attached the meaning with him giving them to me, not just because I attached the meaning myself. Now, I have a simple James Avery ring that I bought about 6 or 7 years ago that I wear. jamesavery.com if you are interested for your daughter. very tasteful, often religious silver/gold jewelry, charm bracelets, girlie stuff if she is into that but it's very ....classy. They are from the Texas hill country, but I think of them more as classy Savannah Georgia jewelry. Anyway. So I wish I still had my real rings on my fingers, but this one is me, and that's what I'm learning.

New book for you that you can get at Walmart. It is called Broken Open. It is Phoenix stuff, rising from the ashes. I think you will like it. how difficult times can help us grow. She made mistakes. her husband made mistakes. They had life lessons to learn. It is a different way of looking at things, but some of it seems to be very DB, so far. "no problem has ever been solved from the same consciousness that created it." that's DB. there were a few other things, too. it is not pro-marriage. it is pro-GAL. It is not anti-marriage either. It is about you finding yourself and that sometimes we have to be "broken open" to do that. To truly open and let others into our lives.

Anyway. Well, the idea about something like this bringing two people closer together didn't work. It was my hope, too. The girl moved out but the friendship is still there. he is willing to risk his career over it because he was told to move her out and she did...but so now she is still there every night then goes home to her own place. was gonna take D4 back to the hospital tonight but she was there, so i skipped it and let him know that i did and why and he got mad. that's his choice. he can be mad. IT IS VERY VERY VERY hard for me to remember that I DO NOT WANT THIS MARRIAGE BACK AT ALL COSTS. I want a right marriage and I am not gonna let him walk all over me. He said why won't you bring D4. Told him I was not gonna take her up there when OW doesn't respect me and he has the nerve to say, "And you respect her??" lmao. Luckily, I am the parent. If he wants to subject the son to it, I don't think it's right, but the kid is 13 and ..... ugh, i should just go post this on my own thread. suffice it to say it didn't work. but his parents will be down next weekend and his mom is ready to beat his butt and i know she won't let her in the house, otherwise Brandon will totally hear all about it. I could still call the LtCol and talk to him. He is the only one this weekend who didn't totally treat me like crap. And talk to him about ordering those two to stay away from each other. But it's not realistic. And I want him to choose me. It's amazing. NO ONE likes this girl. I am totally not kidding. The command now hates her. H's friends hate her...one wife won't go over there at all cause she is there, the other wife told my H she wasn't coming over anymore because of the stitch...and his brother hates her...he is the only one who thinks she is the best thing...

It really must be a fog. Well, I remember that it was. So I am trying really hard to be...forgiving and understanding. But my daddy wants to kill him!

Okay. Really. I think you did good. I am proud of you. All those words ..."since 1995"... don't believe a single one of them. Don't let them get to you. She is just trying to justify it in her mind. She is rewriting the marriage history and just.....none of what you hear, bubba. Don't believe a damn thing you hear. Only half of what you see. Let her sit and stew in her own mess. The more you shut her out, NICELY, the more she is gonna want back in, I think. Firm detachment, but nice so that you don't seem punitive. Cordial. Like your great aunt Berta that knit you the shawl for Christmas when you were ten. You didn't really want to hug her, but you had to. You were polite, but that was absolutely IT. Yeah. Like that. She's Aunt Berta now.

Melissa

[PortlandDad]

I agree with Mel on this. From your description of the evening, I wouldn't give you an F in DBing. It sounded like you were unemotional, cordial, and detached. I would say you get high marks for that! She obviously wants pity, and you clearly didn't go down that road, so more high marks for you.

Keep it up man. We are all rooting for you and your D.

[AFWAW]

Ok guys, thanks for the compliments but I wasn't cordial. You could see it on my face that I was cold. I do appreciate what you guys are saying though. I will try to be more cordial without being cold. Problem is, I've worn my emotions on my sleeve so long it's hard to just stop. It is difficult to not believe what she says. She is a very angry person so I will think about what you are saying Mel. I do appreciate the advice and support. It makes me feel a little better but I'm still waking up at 2 in the morning hoping this is all a dream and reaching out to the other side of the bed wishing. Hope you guys have a better nights sleep than me.

[AFWAW]

Wow, just got to work a little while ago from the gym and was getting my stuff out of the car and who do you think drove by and honked her horn at me? Yep, the wife. Why is it going through her mind that she thinks we can be friends and bs and whatnot. I am still really pissed about the comments made this weekend and wondering what she is thinking. Surely she doesn't think I want to be her friend after what she's done. I know you can't believe anything you hear but that hurt pretty bad on top of everything that's happened.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She's trying to "normalize" everything. Have you ever had the conversation with her about whether or not you will be her friend if your marriage ends this way?

[AFWAW]

No I haven't. I guess I need to. Her signals have been so mixed though, I guess I'm still hoping for what seems like isn't going to happen. I honestly don't know how to go about doing it and don't know why I'm holding on the way I am.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Everybody has to play it how they see fit, based on their own situation. I personally told my wife -- who was under the delusion that I was going to still be "best friends" with her -- that I would NOT even be a GOOD friend to her if she decided to end our marriage this way (by having an affair, lying about it, and refusing to work on our marriage). If, however, she ended her affair, and truly worked on us (including counseling), and if things didn't work out, then yes, I thought we would always remain friends.

Friends just don't do that (lie and cheat) to each other.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

I see what you mean. I'm still waiting based on the sitch. I think I'll know when to tell her. She is supposed to remove the rest of her belongings this week. I suspect she will say something to me about the way my daughter and I are acting toward her. I don't get why she thinks my daughter is "cool" with whats going on. I continue to look for jobs around the country...

[DrHemlock]

I agree with Puppy, AF, who is a very wise and inspirational man indeed. My W and I had the friends talk. I was honest. I said, "Look, you're really asking too much right now. First, you're asking me simply to give up on something I value, our marriage. Second, you're asking me to overlook what has happened, because it's a 'symptom' and not the 'cause.' Third, you're asking me to project feelings into the future, and I don't know what the future is."

She seemed to get all that. So I told her that, yes, I understand that it would be *best* for the children if she and I were friendly. I understood that it would make the next 14 years (until youngest is out of "my" house) easier for everyone. But she needs to understand that I can't make that promise.

First, I don't know how I will feel about her as a person once this process ends, assuming it ends "her" way. Second, I don't know how I will feel about her as a person once I "meet" her fresh -- I meet a lot of people, but I don't like them all. And third, I don't know where *I* will be in terms of my relationships. Presumably it would be a h-e-l-l of a lot easier to be friends with (under that scenario) "X-W" if I was dating some hot young 25 year old!

So I think as a lot of folks have said to you in your thread, AF, especially PortlandDad, you need to take the bull by the horns and lay out the boundaries. There's a lot of differences between AF and Army, I know, and I don't know what your career field was/is, but if you've ever been trained on firing a machine-gun, you know that the first thing you have to do is fill out a range card and stake the left-right limits of your gun's traverse. Those are your boundaries for safety, given the tactical situation.

The same thing applies here. (Okay, now that I've preached, let me go try to practice!)

You're a good man, AF. You're serving our country, you're serving our children, you're serving your god. That's 3 for 3 -- don't forget it.