Today he called four times - I was actually busy and missed them all honestly. The first three asked my to meet him for coffee and/or call him. The fourth one was the usual "BLAST" for not responding as he wants. It came while a realitor was showing me a place and I am glad I waited to listen to it.
I processed the past week and weekend and realized a few things - I tried being nice, doing 180's with no change. I tried reinforcing the positive experiences and ignoring the negative ones.I tried reasoning, acting as if, no change here. I tried going dark/dim and he just gets louder and worse. But the last usually got my attention. Today I didn't do it. I realized that he is still trying to act as if he has control over me and the R. much the same as when he was drinking. I recalled that what got through to him then and more recently was my decision to stay out of the way - to stop being his target and not interfering with his choices and behavior. I decided not to respond to the threats and negative behavior. I will give myself a break and let him learn what he needs to learn. It has worked so far, so it should work again.
I started looking for a smaller house. I have to brag about this one - I visited a 55+ community, the realitor greeted me with,"I would be glad to show you the homes available but I am not sure you understand that this is an exclusive community for people over 55" I smiled and replied,"Yes, I know that is what I was looking for." R then says," But you have to be 55 years old." So I smiled again and,"Yes, that's my age." R says shyly,"Oh!, I used to be a policeman and I was very good at judging people's age -guess I am really losing my skills." Anyway, I thought it was cute. He took my information and offered to help me find something which was another reason I went. I don't really want to stay in this area but I wasn't sure what housing sales are doing - and interest rates. I also wasn't sure if I could do what I was thinking about financially with this change. He confirmed that I could do it. Something I needed to know -while m H is still arguing with himself about the car.(I have some new ideas about that one too.)
So, it is a quiet evening -everyone has left the building (my house).
