Whew! I'm not sure where to even begin, but here goes.
Jack...Congrats on your D being busted and the fact that you are piecing. I do not want my old M in any way shape or form, but I am not M'd now am I? That does not imply I want a cr@ppy R either, though, it just means I can hardly get back something that doesn't exist, LOL!
BH...Yes, I am a veteran of five years but have not actively posted or DB'd since just after the D in April '06. I have not been wasting my life away and waiting for XH to return. Congrats to you on your new love. Why did you have to take a deep breath? I think all of us here want a good R with a SO. The fact that we are all here means that we are not quitters. When you have done all that you can do, you should feel happy to go forth and welcome in that which was missing from your M.
When some of you posted about having a hat in hand, accountability and all that I thought "Whoa, hold the phone, we are getting ahead of ourselves here. I would not let XH return without that as I said earlier...BUT...I am more on the same page as BND or breton on how to approach it IF that ever becomes the case. My DB stance has been one similar to that of BND short of standing. I am able to forgive but will not be a doormat. I did not and would not date while we were still M'd though the D took two years to complete. I wanted to honor my vows regardless of what X was doing because that was what I expected from myself. I would date now if the occasion arose but have been rebuilding my life without thought or exception of what X is doing or not doing.
BND...Congrats also to you for all that you have worked for since your H has returned. He was just starting to come around when I was posting on a regular basis.
Now that I look at my original post I'm not sure what I was even asking of all of you. I guess I wanted some validation from you that what I thought may be a beginning of reconnection or the groundhog popping out of the tunnel was indeed that. By seeing other opinions I learn things that never occured to me. One is that XH was seeking closure or forgiveness. That may be the case but that was not my initial reaction.
SMW...Thanks for the thought. I think we are on the same page.
Laughing...Nice to "see" you again. Sorry to hear that Dick's shenanigans continue. I hope that you find the peace you are looking for too.
Creed...Thanks for all your support here and otherwise.
Treese...I know you did not ask me this and I am not in BND's position but my XH also said that I should find someone that makes me happy. I think at the time that was just a way for him to assuage his guilt. Like they say about the MLCer, "Don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see." I know those things are hurtful to hear but there could be a half dozen "reasons" why he said it and most may not even apply to you.
AliS...I found your astrological comments very interesting. That has alwsys interested me but I have not delved into it much. Nothing happened in early '01 that I recall but in August '01 something happened with X that I believe to be the trigger of the MLC or identity crises. He had a falling out with a family member that brought back some burried memories regarding other family members and X declined after that.
Amy...So nice to hear from you and glad your are getting along well. I have no idea what to make of your drop in XH. I have a question for you, though. Do you find him attractive or desirable? I was surprised that though my X is physically attractive he was not that appealing to me. I still love him but found that I wasn't so sure I "liked" him. He seemed one dimentional and quite like a stranger. I guess that's because he is. Yes, I am able to watch what unfolds with X with detachment and still able to live my own life. I think the fact that he is a drop out or droplet aids in that. I used to hate the fact that I didn't know where he was at in his head or that I never heard much about him because then I couldn't monitor his progress but that may have turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
jaybee...Thanks for your thoughts about my family. I wish you well finding care for your father and hope he does as well as he can. Congrats also on your lovely new R. I'm glad you have someone that loves and supports you like you deserve. You've brought up an interessting POV that I had forgotten about or had not considered in that XH may have been surprised that I DID want to date now. It is clear to me that he is in no way ready to accept responsibility or move toward reconcilliation but I do believe as some of you have mentioned, that he is questioning things and thinking about things. Like your XH he may be taking a final check before he moves into more serious mode with the new GF. Who knows? Thanks for your input on your school of thought on how to "play it." That was something else I was looking for when I posted this. I had a friend who is not a DBer say "Well, maybe he just wants you to b!tch at him so he can get it over with and move on with the R." I kind of laughed but that is something like Jack was suggesting.
I guess at this point my plan is to do what jaybee suggests at the end of her post "sit tight, wait and see and live my life." I may send him a short e-mail saying that it was nice seeing him and catching up a little bit and leave it at that.
Some have made comments that I handled my comments to XH well because I am detached and so forth but they are for real. I really am not bitter and have made peace with things. I really am sorry to hear that X broke up with other woman but in the sense that if we all had to go through this heartache someone should have come out happy in the end. It's unfortunate it did not work that way. We are still "works in progress." I have learned a lot from this happening and made a lot of friends along the way. I think of these things as gifts that have shown themselves out of adversity. I can now "own" the portion of our M's demise that is my fault and have learned a lot of things that I can apply to new R's I may have. I didn't really feel like a "grown up" until this happened but I feel like I have the strength to handle almost anything. Once you have been at the bottom of the pit and the worst you can imagine has happened...and you lived...everything else is a piece o' cake. All is not lost and a lot has been gained.
