My W called me again this morning: she is getting predictable again! She was over at her moms apartment to get on the internet. She sent me a quick e-mail to let me know that she had received the e-mail that I sent her a few days ago. My e-mail to her was basically thanking her for a wonderful anniversary evening (Mar 1st) and I did get a little explicit with her about how much I enjoyed the evening with her. It might have been a backslide a bit, but it was also a 180 for me because I have never really been very sexually adventurous with her before.
She said, "Wow, your e-mail sounds like you are writing to a whore! :)" I sent her an e-mail back and apologized for sending it if she was offended, but I also left open the possibility of sending more like it if she wanted. No sooner had I sent that e-mail than the phone rang. She wanted to know if I had read my S13's MySpace status lately. I confessed that I had. His status was, "I HATE THE WORLD". I told her that we had just had our first family counseling session and that he and I would be going back on Monday and Tuesday. Then she started getting mad. She wanted to know why she hadn't been told about the C and if we were trying to keep it a secret from her. I told her no, it wasn't a secret and that I would disclose everything that came up with her.
She then flipped the whole thing around into a condemnation of her. She asked if I had told the C that she was a good W, and devoted mom, etc. I reminded her that C was to help the kids and me, not to prop her up in the eyes of the Dr. She got miffed at that, but whatever. She wanted to know everything that was said and who said it. I told her everything that I remembered, but I'm sure I overlooked a few things. By the time I had finished telling her what had happened, she was significantly calmer. During the whole call I could tell that the guilt is really eating away at her.
The she wanted to talk about our D12 and S17. I explained that they were doing fine and that D17 was going to be applying for a job today. She seemed happy with that news. She told me to have him call her later as she was about to step out to take the dog for a walk; which I have come to know as code for "I need to go out and call my BF on my cell and tell him the news".
Oh well. I'm not dwelling on the negatives; my kids need me even if she doesn't right now. She will come around, and thanks to the wonderful advice and help I've received here, I'm going to be better whether or not she comes back.
God bless!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
The she wanted to talk about our D12 and S17. I explained that they were doing fine
I would try to de-emphasize that the other two kids are doing "fine" to pound away on her guilt. Even saying their OK I guess and am thinking about counseling for them as well. If you get my strategy! Its rare for a mother to up and leave to a foriegn country on a different continent. She has to have alot of guilt. But in your case not enough to stay. The greater the weight of her guilt I think the greater the likelyhood of her returning. Just a thought.
I see the strategy, but it is not something that has worked in the past. When the separation was new, I used the kids' well-being, my health issues, their health issues, etc. as a club to try and shame her into coming back. It might have been a little more subtle than a club, but not by much. That strategy just hasn't worked. She would feel really bad while she was talking to me and I could tell that she was conflicted, but then she would hang up and call a few hours or days later and it wouldn't even register with her any more.
I learned later that she would go talk to the OM, who would convince her that kids would be fine, she should stay there with him, letting them suffer for a while would help in an eventual divorce from me, etc. etc. The bottom line was that she would come back to me as convinced and stubborn as ever. I'm not sure how strong this "support" system is for her any more as she has a tendency to burn up her friends, which I hear from her mom is still happening.
I could definitely tell she was feeling the shame today, so I did take a little joy in that fact, but if I know her, when I talk to her tomorrow she will be largely over it.
My current strategy is just to wait it out and work on myself and the kids. She cannot afford to support her lifestyle on her own for more than a month or two at the most. Without a job, she is burning through her money at a fevered pace. Her rent, utilities, groceries, gas, insurance, medical and superfluous spending habits are cleaning her out. Even if she were to get a job, it wouldn't be one that could support her independent (and lavish) lifestyle and would only delay the inevitable for a month or two, at most. If she were to sell her car back and move back in with her parents, she could probably make it until the end of summer.
Personally, I think she has already decided that she is going to stay until her money runs out and then come home. Because of this, I separated our monies some time ago so that she can't do any more financial damage to me or the kids again. When she comes back, I will continue to keep our finances separate.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
My W didn't call today, but no biggie. She said that she was going to have her mom over at her apartment this weekend, so I'm sure the two of them are having a smashing good time.
She did send me a nachricht (message) on her german social networking site that we frequent. She said that I should put some new pictures of myself on there now that I'm 65 lbs lighter. I took that as a compliment, so good stuff right there.
My dad called today and told me my brother is getting married in April and I told him that I'd like to fly back into town for the big day. Thought about my W a little because she was usually the one that planned and executed our travel plans and such. Another opportunity for me to grow!
Taking the kids to the movies this afternoon and doing chores around the house. It's been a good day!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I got online this morning and saw my Ws MSN icon illuminated in my messenger window, so I clicked it and typed 'hello'. She didn't have internet at her apt, so I was kinda surprised. She wrote back that she just had it installed today and was trying it out and such. Then she fired up her webcam and we had a nice video call.
She looked good, and I finally got to see the 4 walls that she calls an apartment. Pretty interesting. It was a pleasant conversation, but I didn't keep her online very long as she was making dinner for herself.
Another rainy day here in Portland, so I'm just going to do some chores and watch a movie with the kids.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Hey Captain - You are right about not guilting her to come back. Also, you dont want her crawling back out of financial desperation. The only way it will truly work is for her to realize that the OM grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
When the time comes, that is where the tough rebuilding begins. One great book to get for healing following an affair is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You can find it at the library.
On my side of town today, the sun was shining but the wind was blowing. No rain for me - you must live in the wet area of Portland. However, I took D6 out yesterday to plant trees with the Girl Scouts in Tualatin - it was raining and was a mud fest.
I had a really good conversation with my mom yesterday. I have not been very close to my mom for many years on account of her treatment of my W in the past, but in the last month or so I have re-connected with her. She asked me under what conditions I would take my W back. I had to really think about it! I told her that the only way I would take her back would be if she wanted to be with me because she loved me and was committed to rebuilding our marriage. I would not take her back because she was financially strapped, or because she only missed the kids, etc.
I'm about half-way through "Not Just Friends" now. It was been a great read so far, and one of the books that has helped me see my Ws EA for what it is. She admitted to me once that what she was having was an EA (but not a PA, by her admission) and apologized to me for it, but the very next day (probably on the advice of her "friend") completely back-pedaled and denied the A and rescinded her apology.
It doesn't really matter at this point. I'm pretty detached emotionally, financially, and mentally. I had a few "weak" moments this week where some random memory of us together overpowered me and I started crying, but overall it was a good week.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Ok, so today I had my first IC session. This guy is a freaking genius or something! In one hour, he showed me everything, and I do mean everything. Holy crap batman, am I dense or what? I've lived with this woman for 19 years and I didn't see this? I must be blind.
So anyway, the session starts out fairly mundane; he asks how things are going, and I say 'pretty good'. I then proceed to tell him all about my W, even though this session is supposed to be about me. Well, whatever, I'm doing fine, I think, so I wanted to talk about her anyway. I start telling him about her EA and how she started acting all wonky last summer when she was in Germany. The C says, 'wait a sec, does she take prescription medication?' I go, 'yeah, she always has. Pain killers for her back, as she has degenerative disk disease.' He says, 'uh huh, and has she had a lot of surgeries?' and I say 'well, yeah. She had a bunch of laproscopic work early on, and an appendectomy, tonsilectomy, lots of dental work including implants and bridge work, toe nail operations, a tummy tuck, bilateral breast reduction, had her gall bladder out, hysterectomy, hernia repair, dual ovarian ablation, and probably some that I am forgetting, why do you ask?'.
He says, 'Isn't it strange that one person can have so many medical problems that require invasive procedures to correct?'. I'm thinking, ok, yeah, but I always just figured that my W was cursed with poor health, no biggie. Then he says, 'Was she prescribed pain killers after each of the many operations?' I'm thinking, hmmmm, yeah, she always healed really crappy after them too, and always got painful 2ndary infections.
Then he says, 'tell me about what happened last summer'. So I go into the story how she went to Germany and after a month (Jul) she ran out of pain pills (percocet) and couldn't get any more in Germany, so she had to take something that a doctor prescribed there. From what she told me it was something less potent. Anyway, she immediately starts acting wonky, erratic, leaves the kids at omis and is gone for days, etc. About the same time she meets the OM.
Hmmm, ok, so the C says, 'I've seen this before. Withdrawls from her meds, and a bad reaction to the new stuff looks like they fueled a manic episode that lasted for a month or two?' I'm like, yeah, that is about as long as it lasted. When she came back in Aug, she went and got her percocets first thing. Of course, the EA was raging full force then.
So he says, 'uh huh, and does she have manic episodes now, or in the past?' and I told him about the cutting her arm with the broken glass shards episode. Then I told him that 4 days later she was nice and calm and loving, and we ML on our anniversary. He was, 'big change, right? did she get her medication between wednesday (the blow up) and sunday?' I don't know! Maybe she did. Then he says, and this is the kicker, 'Why did she come back to visit?' and I say, to see the kids, but then I remember that back in January, she had me pick up her prescription from the pharmacy and mail it to her. It got turned back at the import station in Germany and returned, sans pills. She booked the return trip a week later.
She was coming back to get her GD pills! In one hour, he diagnosed her, based on what I told him about her, with bipolar disorder I, and a painkiller addition! Holy if-it-was-a-snake-it-would-have-bit-me moment!! My W is one big ball of crazy: BP, addicted to pain-killers, living her fantasy life in German (MLC) with the the OM... I really don't even know the woman I am married to, and it turns out that I never really did.
Unfortunately BD I is hard to treat because most people with it resist treatment; after all, in their manic mind, they are having fun and any treatment will remove that. Detox is the only treatment for the pain-pill addiction, and that is hard. Most addicts won't even admit a problem, let alone allow themselves to be dried out. And then we get to deal with the ongoing EA and WAW sitch...
Man did this get complicated or what?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Wow! Pretty funny that the IC guy can see things from a totally different perspective. For those living with it right under our noses, we tend to overlook the obvious sometimes.
I must say, for a person only 36 years old, your wife sure has had a lot of operations.
The self mutilation with the broken glass does seem like a bipoloar symptom. Does she pick at or self multilate other parts of her body/face?
I remember another guy on here named Atlas who found out his unfaithful wife had been diagnosed with Bipolar. He ended up throwing in the towel because his W did not want to seek treatment and got a divorce. The last I heard, he had recovered from alcoholism and was leading a happy new life.
So how did the IC meeting conclude? Did he give you some things to think about for the path forward?
