Most Difficult Time of My Life

[marriedCrazy]

I'll tell you that reading those text messages will do more harm to YOU than it will help. What you already know is that she giving the part of her to someone that she should be giving to you.

I learned this the hard way. The things that I read make it nearly impossible for me to desire a reconciliation if she were to ask to come home.

Good luck

[Still Waters]

Upgrade, why would YOU move out of your home if SHE is the one having an affair? If I were you, I would stay put. Tell her to move out if she wants to.

When you confront, don't ASK her if she's seeing anyone else. She'll say no. Instead, TELL her "I know that you're having an affair with ______ (fill in OM's name)." It's like the example in DR. You don't ask a kid if he took a cookie from the cookie jar. You tell him that you KNOW darn well he took that cookie.

If you want more intel, the next best place to look is in her email. If you don't have her passwords, you can install a keylogger onto her computer which will capture every email and IM she types. Is she taking a laptop with her on her trip? If so, I'd install a keylogger before she leaves.

Again, different people have different opinions on snooping. You need to have a very strong stomach to go down this road, because the things you find will only hurt you. It all comes down to what YOU need to do for your own sanity. I was so sick and tired of my W telling me that I was paranoid that I had to get proof of her A. Once I did, I was finally able to detach.

Once you gather enough intel and confront your W, you should store away everything you found and then stop snooping. Gather, confront, and then detach and move on. If your W wants to come back and work on reconciling, that's great. If not, there's nothing you can do to make her come back. All you can do at that point is focus on making yourself a better man and re-building your life into something great.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh upgrade.....I feel so bad for you. My only advice regarding confrontation about OM is that when I confronted my H about OW the day after Valentine's Day...it kind of blew up in my face. I asked the question "do you still want to be married to me" his first response was yes, but then over the course of a few hours and us talking, he convinced himself that our issues were unresolvable. I wish I had never confronted him with the valentine's day card with "her" initial on the envelope. I wish I never found the notepad that had the name/location of the place they went on V-Day. I wish I could take it all back....even if things were strained before, the "move-out" talk would not have happened. EA/PA is unconfirmed but highly suspected. My H is still living here, but similar to your W makes himself very scarce. Gym twice a day, long bike rides on weekends, etc....

So if I had a do-over, I would wait to confront. That's just me but I do wish YOU the best with whatever you decide.

Your post really touched home and I feel so bad for you. Keep your chin up!

Abby

Abby, I don't understand: what good would waiting have done? What, ignorance is bliss? Your husband was cheating on you; you had every right to know what his intentions were regarding your marriage.

The overwhelming odds are that their affair would have only grown STRONGER the longer you allowed it to go on with the full effect of its secrecy and intrigue.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What Still Waters said. ^. EXACTLY what he said.

Puppy

[abby smiles]

I know....Ignorance is NOT bliss for sure!
H just came home from a 7 hour "bike ride". NOT!
Anyway...Puppy...point well taken.
Abby

[Kokopelli]

Well, she came home a few hours ago and I was still here, I couldn't sneak away before she arrived. I acted as if I didn't hear her come in and was folding laundry in "my room." She made the effort to come over and say hi to me, and go into how her day at work went. It was a pleasant conversation, but the whole time I have this secret burning inside of me that I want to confront her about. I began to think how in the world she could stand there talking and looking at me, knowing what she has been doing, and not feel an ounce of guilt. This is not the woman I married. It was scary to me actually, to know somethings that she doesn't know I know. I am analyzing her behavior now.

I began to leave the house and she asked if I wanted to stay for tacos that she was making. I got lured in and said okay. We sat and ate together, and of course she started in on splitting things up. Asking if I have called the cellphone co to divide the account up. I actually used Puppy's line of how I'm going to be okay, but I am NOT okay with how things are going between us and her not willing to work on our marriage. She said she's been working on our marriage for too long and she's done. Then she asked when I am moving out to which I replied, when the divorce is final. She stated that as far as she is concerned we are divorced, it's just not on paper.

How friggin hurtful!? Who the hell is this woman? I was actually feeling better about myself until I got drawn into this convo. It ruined my night. I tried to go to a BBQ and enjoy myself, but I was feeling really down and I've been SO tired lately. I fell asleep at the movies last night (by myself), and fell asleep at the BBQ tonight. Not cool. It was hard for me to be around all our mutual friends without her. Especially because the ones who don't know kept asking where she was and when she was coming. One of her co-workers noticed that I was not wearing my wedding ring. What a crappy night. I still might try to sneak away to another friends house, I kind of want to relax here though. The W is here, no words exchanged between us. She closed her bedroom door when I came in. I'm just drained...

[Kokopelli]

Well not good. Wife left about 20 minutes after I came back. It has been eating at me. I went to see where she could have went and didn't find her at any usual places. Walked back in the door about 20 minutes ago and the garage light was still on, she just pulled in. She said HI! How was the BBQ?...I directly asked if she was having an affair, which she strongly denied. She even asked if I thought she would do something like that, which I responded, I didn't use to think so, but I have no clue who you are anymore. So I wouldn't put it past you. Then the can got opened about the relationship. She said I don't need to concern herself with what she's doing or who she's with. "I'm not in any relationship, and not looking to be in one for a long time" she continued.

I told her I thought she was wrong for not accepting her mistakes in our relationship and that she has been harboring resentment for me over all these years. She agreed with the resentment, and laughed about me saying she had any fault in problems. "I'm a lover, not a fighter, I don't want to argue anymore about this relationship."

She then went to say one of us needs to move out because we can't continue this way. I said I'll move out this week. She pushed for a date, I said when I feel like it. Not good. She then said she will be moving out ASAP. I screwed up big time. I should've kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't! Lots of tension now, all the good that was building has been removed.

[song]

As much as I don't want to, I hope that me moving out jolts her into reality. I know it might take time, but at this point I have to for my own sanity.

Do it for yourself and your own sanity, but don't do it if it's to try and accomplish a sudden awakening or jolt into reality. If she has checked out and is having an A, you moving out is only going to make it easier for her to carry on with the A without you interfering.

If you want to fight for your M, stay and fight the good fight (DB style). Cut and run is not the way to win her back.

[Kokopelli]

I don't know how to anymore. I thought I was making progress, but everyday she is colder and colder. She just texted me to ask if I want to do lunch together. WTF? Why is she doing this to me? I found that she was on Fredericks of Hollywood in her browser history. I know that wasn't for me, I am beginning to go crazy here. I hear you Song. I want to fight so hard for our M. I am tormented by my thoughts and her actions. I can barely function. Ate 1 time yesterday, slept 3 hours. Can't concentrate on anything else.

Staying here I'm unsure about. I think moving will help me detach and begin to move on. Although deep down, I'm hoping for the jolt for her. She seems to become meaner to me the longer I stay here. She's pushing me to leave so hard. I am so lost and feel so alone. Unsure of what to do.

[Kokopelli]

I wish I had read SW post before coming back home last night. I would've compiled my data better. I did put together a spreadsheet of phone activity. There has been a BUNCH of texting to 2 guys. 1 in particular she has been texting since December. Once in a while back then, actually 2 times in December. The frequency has been out of control the last month though, and increasing daily. I think it is her co-worker as I did a reverse cellphone lookup on the number and called it to hear the VM.

She went into all the things I prevented her from doing during our relationship. Funny, somehow I thought they were joint decisions.