A Cry for Help & Don't know where to go

[25yearsmlc]

Well you 've got some good things happening. But there are some gaps in your plans and assessment. If your L was at court, "you" got notice of the filing for legal purposes. Don't know why there was a disconnect but your L was there b/c notice had been served. (Hence your lawyer's presence.) Don't know why your h appeared confused but lots of folks do when they are in court, and it may mean nothing or he was hung over or whatever...does not matter. Don't know, don't care.

All that matters is you and making a life for you and yours. You must do this. You cannot rely on your h for much and the M was not long enough to assume a lot of support. I am not clear about your d's. Are either of them his? Are you expecting alimony and were you only married 5 years? Just asking. B/C judges are loathe these days to give a check to a woman the rest of her life b/c she was once married to a man. I mean, it is the down side of the women's movement is that judges expect us to support ourselves if the M was not long term (10 years is usually the cut off for min determination of a "long term" marriage & looks at other factors like income disparity---Tom Cruise filed for divorce from Nicole Kidman a month before their 10th anniversary; she was planning a party and he was filing for divorce....interesting...)

Don't overlook what 95% of women in the world are dealing with. They don't know if their h's are coming home each night b/c they may have been killed by a rival tribe or rebel group or succumbed to illness...and what home? Many have no shelter, or they have little food and no refrigeration at all. When we say "food" we mean rice and grain that WHO provided at the refugee camp b/c of the drought or famine...if the women had a h who left her, she is considered in many cultures to be an untouchable with NO hope of remarrying... No one is hacking your limbs off, or telling you how to worship God, if you are allowed to, or shooting at you, you do not have to flee your country with only the clothes on your back, you do not have a horrible disease and neither do your kids, and while this may be a dramatic analogy it is nonetheless pretty accurate. Big picture...you are luckier than most women in the world. Remember that...I say it not to minimize your pain but to give you perspective..

So focus on saving yourself and GAL. How did you manage before your h came along? And why don't you qualify if you have no income, or do you have some? What are your financial problems related to, if not him? If the money problems are caused by him, you may be better off divorced. I have 2 relatives who divorced and then remarried their x's a few years later. One had a drinking problem and recovered...and they remarried but it took 8 years...yes EIGHT years although they were often together in that time, the actual remarriage did not take place til they both felt safe enough...So it happens.

Your focus on his drinking is interesting. Mixed feelings for me. On one hand, if it helps YOU, do it. Learn what you can so you can let go of it. And find a real group meeting for God's sake, obviously. I have never heard of a one person meeting. But if you focus on his drinking so much then what is new? I mean you're still letting his drinking determine your quality of life, correct? Hope not.

You know, you can manage more than you realize. You lived before you met your h. You were not starving, right? So, you can make it without him. He doesn't sound as if he was that financially secure for you anyhow. I'm not clear on all your financial issues. But, regardless, you can get through this better than you realize. Try hard not to have fear guide all your choices. Good luck,

(( j ))