A Cry for Help & Don't know where to go

[25yearsmlc]

Well you 've got some good things happening. But there are some gaps in your plans and assessment. If your L was at court, "you" got notice of the filing for legal purposes. Don't know why there was a disconnect but your L was there b/c notice had been served. (Hence your lawyer's presence.) Don't know why your h appeared confused but lots of folks do when they are in court, and it may mean nothing or he was hung over or whatever...does not matter. Don't know, don't care.

All that matters is you and making a life for you and yours. You must do this. You cannot rely on your h for much and the M was not long enough to assume a lot of support. I am not clear about your d's. Are either of them his? Are you expecting alimony and were you only married 5 years? Just asking. B/C judges are loathe these days to give a check to a woman the rest of her life b/c she was once married to a man. I mean, it is the down side of the women's movement is that judges expect us to support ourselves if the M was not long term (10 years is usually the cut off for min determination of a "long term" marriage & looks at other factors like income disparity---Tom Cruise filed for divorce from Nicole Kidman a month before their 10th anniversary; she was planning a party and he was filing for divorce....interesting...)

Don't overlook what 95% of women in the world are dealing with. They don't know if their h's are coming home each night b/c they may have been killed by a rival tribe or rebel group or succumbed to illness...and what home? Many have no shelter, or they have little food and no refrigeration at all. When we say "food" we mean rice and grain that WHO provided at the refugee camp b/c of the drought or famine...if the women had a h who left her, she is considered in many cultures to be an untouchable with NO hope of remarrying... No one is hacking your limbs off, or telling you how to worship God, if you are allowed to, or shooting at you, you do not have to flee your country with only the clothes on your back, you do not have a horrible disease and neither do your kids, and while this may be a dramatic analogy it is nonetheless pretty accurate. Big picture...you are luckier than most women in the world. Remember that...I say it not to minimize your pain but to give you perspective..

So focus on saving yourself and GAL. How did you manage before your h came along? And why don't you qualify if you have no income, or do you have some? What are your financial problems related to, if not him? If the money problems are caused by him, you may be better off divorced. I have 2 relatives who divorced and then remarried their x's a few years later. One had a drinking problem and recovered...and they remarried but it took 8 years...yes EIGHT years although they were often together in that time, the actual remarriage did not take place til they both felt safe enough...So it happens.

Your focus on his drinking is interesting. Mixed feelings for me. On one hand, if it helps YOU, do it. Learn what you can so you can let go of it. And find a real group meeting for God's sake, obviously. I have never heard of a one person meeting. But if you focus on his drinking so much then what is new? I mean you're still letting his drinking determine your quality of life, correct? Hope not.

You know, you can manage more than you realize. You lived before you met your h. You were not starving, right? So, you can make it without him. He doesn't sound as if he was that financially secure for you anyhow. I'm not clear on all your financial issues. But, regardless, you can get through this better than you realize. Try hard not to have fear guide all your choices. Good luck,

(( j ))

[SRTTF]

If your L was at court, "you" got notice of the filing for legal purposes. Don't know why there was a disconnect but your L was there b/c notice had been served. (Hence your lawyer's presence.) Don't know why your h appeared confused but lots of folks do when they are in court, and it may mean nothing or he was hung over or whatever...does not matter. Don't know, don't care.

I was referring to the fact that my L didn't notify me. Regarding my H apperance in court, it does matter to me and alot of other people who believe that he is still drinking.

Are you expecting alimony and were you only married 5 years? Just asking. B/C judges are loathe these days to give a check to a woman the rest of her life b/c she was once married to a man.

I am asking for temporary support until if/when the divorce if final. My H makes 5 times more than I do.

Don't overlook what 95% of women in the world are dealing with. They don't know if their h's are coming home each night b/c they may have been killed by a rival tribe or rebel group or succumbed to illness...and what home? Many have no shelter, or they have little food and no refrigeration at all. When we say "food" we mean rice and grain that WHO provided at the refugee camp b/c of the drought or famine...if the women had a h who left her, she is considered in many cultures to be an untouchable with NO hope of remarrying... No one is hacking your limbs off, or telling you how to worship God, if you are allowed to, or shooting at you, you do not have to flee your country with only the clothes on your back, you do not have a horrible disease and neither do your kids, and while this may be a dramatic analogy it is nonetheless pretty accurate. Big picture...you are luckier than most women in the world. Remember that...I say it not to minimize your pain but to give you perspective..

PERSPECTIVE !!! My veh just got repo'd today, I go to the food shelf every 2 weeks and am about to be homeless. That means no where to go with a 13 yr old D. To me this is a big picture. I have not eaten today b/c I fed my D first then the veh got repo'd and I had to search for a veh that I could borrow until I can figure out what to do. Yes I understand that things can be worse and are in many areas in the world. Right now I am thinking about my D and her life.

So focus on saving yourself and GAL. How did you manage before your h came along? And why don't you qualify if you have no income, or do you have some? What are your financial problems related to, if not him? If the money problems are caused by him, you may be better off divorced. ]

Saving myself and my D is all I can think about right now. Before I was with my H I lived in Colorado doing just fine on my own with my D. He has left me with a number of bills and past debt. Everything was in our names together and since I am the one that has stuck around, I am the one that they can get ahold of. Regardless of the money problems I could never say that I WOULD BE BETTER OFF DIVORCED.

Your focus on his drinking is interesting. Mixed feelings for me. On one hand, if it helps YOU, do it. Learn what you can so you can let go of it. And find a real group meeting for God's sake, obviously. I have never heard of a one person meeting. But if you focus on his drinking so much then what is new? I mean you're still letting his drinking determine your quality of life, correct? Hope not.

You know, you can manage more than you realize. You lived before you met your h. You were not starving, right? So, you can make it without him. He doesn't sound as if he was that financially secure for you anyhow. I'm not clear on all your financial issues. But, regardless, you can get through this better than you realize. Try hard not to have fear guide all your choices. Good luck,

I know I can do it on my own if I had a clean slate. It is not so easy when you are already sinking. Yes I am focused on the drinking b/c I believe that is the main motivating factor for what is going on. As far as the Al-Anon mtgs, you must live in a big town where there are plenty of resources. I don't. This church offers the mtgs as well as a group for divorce care. The leader said that everyone went to the divorce care group on the day that I went b/c it was the first mtg for them. She also said that the grp usually never gets bigger than 4 or 5 ppl.
I do work and I make 100 dollars to much to qaulify for assistance.

I hope this helps explain things alittle better.

Ok so bad day today when I got home from work. My truck got repo'd today. I wanted so badly to txt H and tell him to go #$%# himself but I didn't. So, I have alot to do tomorrow. I have 10 days to try and get it back. My L is wonderful. She came to my house and helped me find a veh to barrow. We are going to also file for bankrupsy in all of this mess. Hopefully then I will have a clean slate but I am afraid to see what else I will lose until that time. I will continue to pray that God helps me to follow his will and to be strong.

[25yearsmlc]

Glad you explained things. But if he makes more than 5 times more, how the heck is he getting off so lightly? Is he? I mean, do we know what's going on there?

Bankruptcy is definitely for times like these...yes, it would totally suck. But what sucks more MAY be the alternative. You should not be weighed down by HIS frickin' choices forever. When I said "better off divorced" I meant financially speaking. I still have to say, if a guy making 5 times more than you isn't paying for anything....yes, financially speaking that IS a factor. It affects whether you can EAT...

Is there any way you can get back to where you were before?

Guess what I'm asking is what would it take for you to be able to make it on your own, either where you are now, or where you were before? Is there a location that is better suited to what you do? My inlaws are ranchers so I understand SOME of what you need/want, but not all. They have side businesses that I THINK are really where they end up making the money and they just love the ranching lifestyle. But it's hard physically, as you know. What are your options, assuming for the sake of argument, that h is not around?

Anyhow, good luck, and sending prayers your way...

( j )

[SRTTF]

Not sure if anyone is still checking in or now but I thought I would journal anyway.

I got a check in the mail the other day from H. Prob is, is that it is a State Refund Check. Taxpayer is H and it says Joint is me, pay to the order of me. That would be fine except I didn't know we were doing the taxed joint. Oops!, guess he didn't feel the need to tell me. Also, I didn't sign anything so did OW? L is trying to reach H to get copy of tax filing. If we don't get it before court on 4/20 then we will have the judge ask for it. I can't believe that he would do this but then again I don't know my H right now. Would it really have been too much to just e-mail me and let me know. Last weekend I got a suprise visit from my dad, sis, and brother. I thought oh sh$%, now what. They were here to kick my butt into gear and get all of my financial things together. So we did a budget, my debt as well as a debt sheet form both my H and me. All of them will be used for the spousal support case on 4/20. We also started a list of items to start selling. They helped me place a few things on Craigslist and I have been putting alot of stuff in boxes to sell. Then of course we have been getting alot of rain and found that my basement was flooding. So that is what I have been working on all week. The house is 110 yrs old and the basement walls are caving in so there are alot of holes and cracks in the walls. I have been patching and sealing all week. Tues was my D's b-day. We couldn't do much cuz of money of course but on Fri/Sat we did stand in line for the new Twlight movie. Thats all that she wanted and was so happy to be there in line with all of her friends.

Ok now I have a few questions.

1. I am going to send H some photos that he asked for when he first left. I guess I have just decided that it is not right to keep them from him but however, that is the only thing that I will mail him. If there is anything else that he is wanting he will have to come and get it. Anyway, my quesiton is should I put a card or letter in with the pictures and should I add any of D14? I want to tell him that I still love him and miss him terriably. I have not talked to him (well texted or e-mailed) since around Thanksgiving except I did send him a text on V-Day telling him that I miss him. Of course I didn't get a reply.

2. My other question is How do you completly give all of this to God? There are days when I feel like I have but then I either get to thinking about things or missing him or feeling so alone and wishing he was here. We were best friends. Some days I try to trick myself and think that he died and the next time I see him will be in heaven but then of course I remember that no he isn't in heaven he is with her!!!!! I just want to know what does it mean to truely put it all in Gods hands?

Well I sure hope that someone can help answers these for me because I have been tossing this around for awhile. I hope everyone is doing well.

[25yearsmlc]

Stacy,

On the card issue, get some opinions but I'm of the mind right now that you could just say "here's what you requested, let me know if I missed anything" and yes I would include pictures of d14. Why not? A few reminders of good times cannot hurt. In fact if there are any of you two or all of you together that are not clearly the romantic type, why not include one or two? It will always be important to remember those times...

Glad your family is helping you. Also am not clear on the tax filing. Are you saying he did this to hide facts from you? Are YOU getting the refund? Hope your L is on top of that. Signing your name "for you" AIN"T cool...but you getting money IS.

Turning it over to God...how to do that....great question. I read Marianne Willaimson's books on returning to love and handling anger, cannot recall the names of all of them including one on CD. BUT she has exercises in it that helped ME to do so. I'd take showers or "power walks" and literally say out loud to God, and MEAN IT, "I turn my pain and anger over to you God" or "I turn this m over to you God" and I'd say it 100 times out loud in the shower. Sounds gimmicky & "new agey" but it always calmed me and helped especially when I knew h would call. I mean, I was raised attending services weekly and I can see that some "rituals" help us to reinforce our faith and or to settle us down. All I know is it helped me. And oh, after you "turn it over" --try really hard not to take it back from Him. Know what I mean?
You'll have to TRUST that he'll give you what you need...or lead you to it.

Hang in there, and fyi, more people post during the week, or wait for updates from you, so don't take it personally if they get delayed. Good luck,
( j )

[karen43]

I agree, I wouldn't put in a card or letter unless just here's the stuff you asked for kind of note. And yeah, include pictures of your DD for sure.

I try to put it in God's hands, but that's a tough one. I do know I used to order God around when I prayed, God, bring me back my H or whatever. Now I do ask God to help me accept His Will, and I do believe that God turns all the negative stuff in our life to good for us in the end. Financially, I'm going to have to go through bankruptcy and stuff, but my H is like a leaking, sinking boat I think and in the end it may be better to be on my own, b/c I tend not to be a big spender or vacation on credit cards and stuff like my H does. I know that things will work out for us and we will be better off. Karen

[SRTTF]

Thank you so much Karen and 25. It helps to hear how others handle things like this.

Here is an update as well as the questions posted again.

Not sure if anyone is still checking in or now but I thought I would journal anyway.

Last weekend I got a suprise visit from my dad, sis, and brother. I thought oh sh$%, now what. They were here to kick my butt into gear and get all of my financial things together. So we did a budget, my debt as well as a debt sheet form both my H and me. All of them will be used for the spousal support case on 4/20. We also started a list of items to start selling. They helped me place a few things on Craigslist and I have been putting alot of stuff in boxes to sell.

Ok now I have a few questions.

1. I am going to send H some photos that he asked for when he first left. I guess I have just decided that it is not right to keep them from him but however, that is the only thing that I will mail him. If there is anything else that he is wanting he will have to come and get it. Anyway, my quesiton is should I put a card or letter in with the pictures and should I add any of D14? I want to tell him that I still love him and miss him terriably. I have not talked to him (well texted or e-mailed) since around Thanksgiving except I did send him a text on V-Day telling him that I miss him. Of course I didn't get a reply.

2. My other question is How do you completly give all of this to God? There are days when I feel like I have but then I either get to thinking about things or missing him or feeling so alone and wishing he was here. We were best friends. Some days I try to trick myself and think that he died and the next time I see him will be in heaven but then of course I remember that no he isn't in heaven he is with her!!!!! I just want to know what does it mean to truely put it all in Gods hands?

I found out that the check I got in the mail from H was an overpayment of taxes I had garnished from 07. It would have been nice if he could have at least wrote a note with it to tell me that instead of having to find out myself.

My H should be getting the Motion for temporary support tomorrow or Mon. It's strange, I comment on how badly I want him back and how much I miss him but yet I am scared to think of him calling when he gets that and about 4/20 when we have court. I already have what I am going to wear picked out and I have been working out and trying differant hair styles. I want to make sure I look awsome. I haven't seen him since 11/13/08 and haven't talked since Thanksgiving. Before that we would never go a day without talking to each other.

Well I sure hope that someone can help answers these for me because I have been tossing this around for awhile. I hope everyone is doing well.

[Beans]

Stacy,
Just read through your sitch, sorry you are here.
I would have to agree with Karen. I wouldn't sent a note in with the pics, unless it is short and sweet. And yes I would include a pic of D.

I know just how you feel, you so want to tell him you love him. I have slipped once and texted H "I love you." He texted back, "I don't know how to respond to that?" Lesson learned. DO NOT tell him you love him, as hard as it is.

Honey, I know you want to tell him you love him and miss him terribly. You didn't get a reply on v-day when you did right? Not very reassuring is it?

Detach, it is a hard concept. Something I am working on still, but it is empowering. There was a link to a website with a really good explaination of the meaning of Detaching. I don't remember where I found it, but it helped tons. I will try to find it if you would like?

You can do this!

[SRTTF]

THANKS SO MUCH BEANS

I WOULD LOVE IT AND I WILL LOOK AROUND TOO