A New Decade

[Sanderika]

Hi there MsM,

My knee jerk reaction would be to rescue him.

My common sense would tell me not to.

I think it depends on the message you want to send him.

Do you want H to think you will always be there to bail him out?

Do you even want H to come to you and ask for your help when funds are low?

Do you want to cut off all ties other than a casual friendship at this point?

Will H think there is a chance you still have loving feelings for him beyond just caring and want more by helping his finances?

Would H be grateful and humble for the help?

Would H be selfish and ungrateful?

If you were in the same boat, would H help you?

Just some questions to ponder, you and others can probably think of a few more.

I think with the pending D, I would not help him. In my sitch, I do not share with H how much I have, separate from our joint accounts. I think it important with a pending D to keep a certain amount of secrecy. By lending H money, he would draw the conclusion you have ample to spare.

Don't know if this helps, I was lurking about and thought I drop in....

Sanderika

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Sanderika, Thanks for the quick reply. You posed many good questions for me to think about. With the financial disclosure paperwork my H already knows what money I have. In the maritial agreement he is agreeing to everything I proposed (I keep all my assets & he keeps his few assets & all his debt). He doesn't even want some of the things he bought during our marriage and said I could keep the engagement ring. (Which was pretty much custom made & doesn't look like an engagement/wedding ring anyway. But then I chose the design).

One of the reasons he gave when he left was basically to pay off his debts. That meaning, I suppose meant by himself. For his self esteem & ego, I suppose he does need to handle this himself. I would guess he would feel grateful and yet feel guilty. Another pattern I need to break - I suppose.

[MsMelancoly]

Yep - Sanderika, I agree that would be my knee jerk reaction as well.

Righto, So I've just been kicked back into reality!!! As well I should be with such thoughts. I ran across my H's m*sp*ce page & he lists himself as single. My heart pretty much dropped through to my stomach, as this is how he believes himself to be & such it will. After finding this out, I don't see it as bad news. It is what I needed.

[Sanderika]

Hi MsM,

I understand how you felt. I often peek into my H world and am left feeling the exact same blow.

Dam* Internet!!!!!! I wish it didn't exist so much of the time, BUT, then again.....Why are we powerless to resist the temptations to look in the first place???? I know it only hurts, you feel hurt. I wonder how we let go completely. When will the day come when we just don't give a rat's a$$ anymore where and what they are doing.

I hope you have decided not to lend him some $.

I am having a bad day. Not getting along with son and had IC meetings (son and I) last night and it left me emotionally drained. I have a lot to think about and some decisions to make. I need to find the strength to let go.......

H is not trying to work towards a reconcile. If the truth speaks...H has done a 360 in the other direction. It's going to be he!! when he surfaces this time. I can't take this anymore.

I hope you are having a good week. I hope mine improves.

Take care, warm happy thoughts to you.....

Sanderika

[JCJ]

(((Ms M)))

Sorry I haven't been around much, I've just caught up.

You said

One of the reasons he gave when he left was basically to pay off his debts.

You said that having those debts affected his self esteem and ego, and implied that you rescuing also affected his feelings in a negative way - took away his masculinity or made him feel incapable?? What message do you think it would send to him if you paid off all his debts? Also, if you actually asked him what would he say? You also said

I know, way back DBcoach Jody said no rescuing!! (Which was my pattern in the past, even when we were best friends).

DBing is about doing something different as repeating negative patterns doesn't work. If he has listed himself as single on his myspace page (that is a horrible bullet to take, I'm really sorry ) then let him realise what it means to not have you there anymore.

I know this sounds harsh but you need to detach yourself from the situation. It is his mess now; you are already 'helping' him by sorting out the paperwork. What would be your 180 here?

I know it is a massive struggle and you want to do the right thing, but self sacrifice isn't attractive. My ex never found it so anyway and I was the queen of it, in fact it only made him feel more guilty and made him run away faster (if that was at all possible lol!)

[MsMelancoly]

Yes, yes & yes Julia - you are right!! As you can tell, I was in a funky mood as well. I guess I will have to redefine what my role is as his "friend" if we really do become friends. And he will have to redefine his as well. I bet, if he did go out with me & M1 & he saw me talking to M3 or other men, I bet he would be jealous. Although, my H is not a night person, so I doubt he ever would go out.

I am back to being detached - really. Just strange when I have a nice time with my H. Seem to get a bit closer, but it's just an illusion, a fleeting moment or 24. Maybe, I shouldn't have helped him with D papers, but I really do want this over with and done right. What's the point now of dragging my feet.

No frowns about the myspace page, because it really did help me. I change mine to single as well. Then I sent him an email about a friends blog he had mentioned. I didn't say anything about his single status & only wrote a few lines about our old friend. I figure 2 can play this singles game. My myspace page is all filled out, so it will make him wonder ....

[MsMelancoly]

Ok, now for something funny. I'm getting my car repaired at the auto body shop. They gave me a free loaner car for the week. The loaner car is this big old Buick, I swear, a family could live in it!! It totally feels like a pimp car!!!! <LOL> This morning the doors were frozen shut, I managed to get the passengers side open & crawl through. Then driving to work I see a male friend of mine at the bus stop. (2 weeks ago, I saw him at the bus stop each day & gave him a ride). Today, when I saw him I pulled over to give him a lift. He looks at me, with a scrunched up nose & a look on his face that said - WHAT THE HE** ARE YOU Driving!!!! Well, I couldn't get the doors open ..... finally he tried the back door & got it open & sat in the back. So me, pimp mama drove, pimp daddy to work!!!!

Ah, maybe you just had to be there - for this to be funny - cuz I still chuckle now, about it!!!!

[JCJ]

That made me chuckle over my fruit and yoghurt this morning Good job on the detachment and excellent job on the myspace page. Doesn't hurt him to see what he is missing, so long as it is done with no expectations - there's that phrase again

[Sanderika]

Hey MsM,

I'm chuckling too...

That is a funny story....as I read along I thought you were going to tell us he refused to get in....really, a gas guzzlin'
boat of a buick added to the fact it looked like a pimp's ride, his image WAS on the line....havin' to ride in the back, OMG!!!

These days takin' the bus might be better for one's health...LOL

Sounds like you had a great week, keep 'em coming...It feels and looks good on us....

Sanderika

[MsMelancoly]

Ok, So whenever I post mid-day something is going on.

My H was supposed to send me his financial papers last week. Didn't. I thought about emailing him this morning & thought, no it can wait, since it is Monday morning. So, a bit later, I get an email from him apologizing about not getting me the papers. I reply back: no problamo, sometime this week is fine. How was your weekend?
He replies back: can I have $$$$, that is how my weekend was.
I reply back: Sorry to hear that. What's going on that you need $$$$? Do you want to talk about it this eve?

I have not heard back from him. He has never asked for anything since he left. I'm guessing he must be pretty desperate to swollow his pride & ask me for money. Strange day.