Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

How did you KNOW that I was pondering, thinking and wondering! AH the life of those of us who were left. IT is the SAME isn't it. My sister was first very worried -- remember he tried to kill himself before... so she said she sat in the bathroom and prayed (and cried). She didn't cry for him,but for me and my kids. She prayed for God to reach him and more importantly that my x would foI will call it "fold" you know put in his cards and stop.

His montra is pity. Always has been -- and when i read what he had texted I saw his pride. He said "thank you for being a good sister when she (taht would be me) needed it most..." she didn't do it for HIM she didn't even do it for my kids --she was there FOR ME!! Long story but well in short she was 6 years older than me..she moved out to a college prep school when I was 9 -- i felt abandoned by her as she was my protector. Alot of really crappy things happened to me when I was 9 and my home was a bit violent. (never on me... but it was angry). But for years we were very combatitive. AND through this I have realized just how much I really really liked her and how much I loved her.

So when this all started originally the last person i wanted to know was her.. (remember I thought she didn't like me) and now -- she is the FIRST one that I go to...and she has been there for me through it all. the stupid stuff and choices that i have made--all of it. I really don't trust anyone -- but if there was ONE person that I want to trust -- it is her. I actually can honestly say I probably do trust her. That her motives with me are really pure adn for me and me alone.

My x-- he always has the wo is me syndrome. and false hummility. And yes being pulled in - though he didn't contact ME directly is messing a little with my mind.

CMNM we have to believe the GOD STUFF. It is the only way out of this mess. I am praying now that GOD will help me believe that HIS dreams for me are the BEST for me. And that means letting go of my ideals etc. and that is very very ahrd. Because we think are dreams are the best. (it is kinda confusing....and i believe until we EXPERIENCE it kinda hard to believe)

Ok enough babbling. My little one (who is stinking 12) hasn't felt good all weekend and my son is home for the last day of spring break. I am sad cause we didn' go to our new church -- but believe that watching out for my family is always best!!

Have a good day my friend.