Here are some notes I just made from the counseling I'm taking:
During the course of the last ten weeks of therapy, I wanted to start by focusing on my D and how that was effecting me as a human being. My intent was wholy to try and save my M, but I had to stop concerning myself with the pain of the separation and pending D to try and relieve myself of some of the agonizing pain it was causing me.
Here are some of the memories:
First nine sessions:
1. Memories of H driving out of my driveway with OW and me running down to the gate to try and stop him. Tears. b. Memories of H trying to run me over with his truck to push me out of his way. 2. Memories of my near drowning event at three years old. (Trying to catch my brother who was running away from me). Tears. 3. Memories of three other near-drowning experiences. 4. Memories of running through the woods, and little boy running away from me. Coming into a frozen snow-covered pond and feeling fear. 5. Memories of falling down basement stairs.
My IC asked me if was able to see how my D was causing me to feel like I was drowning? Could I see how, if my H left me, I would die?
10th Session: Thursday, March 12, 2009
1. Started with near-drowning incident and seeing through the water, and gulping water as I was going down for the last time. Being brought up by my brother but going unconscious. 2. Memories of finding my older siblings sitting around at the brook that winter, and then they all ran away from me. Memories of crying as I was running through the woods trying to catch them. Memories of running into a tree stump and splitting open my chin. (Got six stitches – can still feel the scar). 3. Memories of being left by first love, love of my life. 4. Memories of being left by siblings when my mother was dying. (They literally ran away from me as they were going out to dinner together. We were in a parking lot and they ran across the street in front of oncoming traffic just as I was about to chase them. The traffic stopped me, and after it passed, they were gone).
IC asked me if I can see the corralary now between pursuing my H and what happened to me in the past. She wanted me to try to stop the pursuing behavior and try to start nurturing that little girl who got left.
Saturday, March 14th: I realized, while talking to gf about it, that bad things happened to me when I pursued; near drowning, splitting my chin, frozen lake etc.
jojo, I'm not sure this can help you, but I did speak to my H on Friday. He is not living in his camper anymore and would not tell me where he is. I said, "that's OK becuase I don't want to know anymore." I think it shocked him.
I can see my behavior changing. The feelings of hurt and despair are still strong, but I'm still surviving. IC says I've always survived and not much more. I don't know how to "nurture that little girl within me," but I guess I need to find out how to do that.
