What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[Mellenmack]

what he means is, most spouse's have the same dang story and the same dang excuses and it's NEVER their fault...it's always ALL YOUR fault...etc.

Think you will see that, but wanted to make sure.

Hope you are okay. Last two days have been...like nothing before. He broke his leg. Hospital. Surgery tomorrow. Drama. But I love his mom!

Anyway. I think you are doing good. I'm glad you have some insight and are able to make some realizations. It's hard for some people. (I always found it hard to truly, objectively analyze my own stitch.) Have always found that to be true in all parts of my life, though.

Wish there was a Dummies or Idiots book for that!

Melissa

[AFWAW]

Yeah, it is pretty un-original. And I'm feeling less and less nostalgic about my marriage the colder she gets. I actually took off my ring tonight. I guess you could call that me acting as if. She doesn't care about me and I can't make her. My wife made a comment at dinner tonight in front of my daughter that was highly inappropriate. She asked if I was looking at other women yet. My daughter commented on this when the wife left. Wow. My daughter said she doesn't want spend the night at the wife's place. The wife kept commenting to me about my daughter's attitude towards her as well. I didn't say anything, just acknowledged her. COME ON LADY--you left her high and dry. Not only did you leave, she is a teenager---HOW DO YOU THINK SHE IS GOING TO BE???? Fortunately for me my daughter sees right through her. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! #$#%@#%#@$@#$@#@#$@#@#%@#%@$@#%@$@$@#$@#

[Kokopelli]

I guess the big difference is I am willing to work on this and she is not. Another thing, because she was so mean about it I felt less emotional. I don't feel like crying, moping, nothing. I just feel empty and betrayed. What a cold, hard woman. I don't know what the future holds for me and my daughter but I know if my wife won't accept my love and all I have to offer then I will find a woman who will. It's just amazing to me how she is letting her anger rule her life and giving up so much for it. Uggggghhhhhhhhh....

My sentiments exactly. I was just pondering this exact type view of my W and my sitch. I was looking in her eyes today and wondering where the sweet woman I married went. Only coldness, hardness, and bitterness. It is truly sad. It is sad they give up on us at the time when things could be better than ever. Keep your head up AFWAW. I empathize with you.

[AFWAW]

Hey Mel,
Yeah, I'm ok. I think I'm past the shock finally. I miss her still but don't want her back if she thinks I'm a dick. She can't respect me if she thinks that. I'm not giving up but I really, really think it's over. All I see is a hard, cold woman who wants nothing to do with me anymore. If it wasn't for my daughter, she would probably never talk to me again. And I'm not just saying that. If you could see the hate in her face, hear the hate in her voice. Such bitterness--to tell me that she should have left me in 1995--wow. Even if she does come back, I'm always going to be thinking she doesn't want to be with me. For God's sake--it's 2009. Why the freak would you hang out for that long?

Again, I'm ok but I still think there isn't much hope, really. My daughter said to me a little while ago--I'm glad you're finally getting it. I said, what are you talking about? She said how mommy really is--she's mean. Wow--smart girl.

Sorry to hear about your drama but you know that's the type of thing that draws folks closer together so you never know this might be the thing that gets you two back together.

I think you are a lot stronger than you think and it's always easier to look at someone elses sitch and analyze cause it's not personal. If it's yours then it's personal.

[DrHemlock]

And I'm not just saying that. If you could see the hate in her face, hear the hate in her voice. Such bitterness--to tell me that she should have left me in 1995--wow. Even if she does come back, I'm always going to be thinking she doesn't want to be with me. For God's sake--it's 2009. Why the freak would you hang out for that long?

AF -- are we in a bigamy situation, here?!?! My WAW said just about the same thing yesterday a.m.!

I've been all up in my head lately -- bad, bad thing to do -- and wrote the outburst off as just being mean, but there's always a kernel of truth.

But I think it's today's truth, not yesterday's -- in other words, she's evaluating the past through today's emotions.

But in either case, I think your conclusions are right on. If that's her attitude, it makes it a lot easier to move forward. Because, really, is that the person you want?

I think we LBS's often seem to forget, or not consider, the fact that our WAS's are changing even while we're changing -- no matter how high or low the probability is that we reconcile, "that" marriage will not be the same one that we used to have.

It's a new marriage that just happens to have the same people in it. So when I think about reconciliation, I have to think about that "new" marriage -- is this someone I would ask to marry me today, and not "why o why can't I have my old wife back?" Sounds to me like you've been asking yourself that question in a way, and the answer is, "Not so much."

[marriedCrazy]

AFWAW, my wife wanted me to find someone too. If you did, it legitamizes the sitch and lessens her guilt. More WAW dribble.

[Thinker]

This all seems to be part of the script. The WAS rewrited history (our R was never good and I never should have said yes to M in the first place) and tries to push the LBS away or into another R to lesson their own guilt.

I also got both of these. "We have never really loved each other" (????)"
, "If we hadn't started having kids I would have left 7 years ago" and "why are you hanging on? -- why don't you just go find someone else?"

It all seems to be part of the script. I know my W does not really mean some of it, because shortly after she got mad and accused me of getting in touch with an old girlfriend (which I hadn't)

Just keep your focus on yourself.

[DrHemlock]

Thinker - I guess you and me are in a bigamy situation too!

Someone needs to start the WAS Script forum. "WAS For Dummies."

[AFWAW]

I'm having a really difficult time sitting here going over the stuff in my head over the years that has happened and built up to this point. I regret so bad letting the wife get me into a relationship talk last night and hearing some of the things she said. I know it's stupid to sit here and beat myself up too. I just wish I knew what the snapping point was. At what point in time did it happen and why? What makes people decide to give up and go their seperate ways when everything seemed to be fine before.

My daughter started talking about her mom again this morning. Said she was still mad at her. Said she was tired of her talking about the attitude she was displaying. I listened but told her once again that she is still your mom.

Oh, what a year...

[PortlandDad]

AFWAW,

You are right not to beat yourself up over it. The WAW script is that they have some point pre-defined when they will make their escape. Right up until that point, the LBS has no idea that there is a problem, in fact, the M can actually be very good! The W usually doesn't nag, the sex life might even be just fine, right up until the trigger event occurs and they walk.

In my W's case, the trigger was when she found the OM, as is a very common case with WAWs, but it can also be when they complete their education, when the kids are old enough, when they can support themselves, etc. It would be nice if us LBHs would have some warning that this is going on, but usually there is none.

With the magic ability of hindsight, it becomes a little clearer what we should have been doing, and how selfish, inattentive, unloving, or uncaring we were. Unfortunately for us, by the time they are on their way out the door, the things that they are complaining about and issues that they use to bash us are "unfixable". Trying to fix them after-the-fact just leads to resentment, and justifies their behavior in their mind. This is why detachment, and GAL are so important. Just GAL can be seen as appeasement or even pursuit if it is done purely for the purpose of wooing a wayward W back. Of course you want you W back, that IS the purpose of DB'ing, right? Well, maybe. I think DB'ing has a higher purpose. for me, it is about becoming a better person and forging stronger ties to our kids and building a stronger, more loving family unit. If the WAS wants to be part of what you are building for your family, then you get the collateral benefit of getting your W back and forging a new marriage with the old people (like DrHemlock just said!). If they do move on, then you have the strength and foundation for a good life without them.

Honestly, where I am in my sitch, it doesn't really matter to me if my W comes back or not. Of course I still love her, and of course if she did come back with the expressed purpose of re-building our marriage I would take her back, but it doesn't matter to me if that actually happens because I know I will be happy with or without her.