I am pretty down today, and am seriously losing hope. We had a setback yesterday because I was having issues with her not calling when coming home late and I was not sure if she was in some kind of emotional affair with someone. So in my last IC session, the C said that I really need to talk with my wife and set boundaries about calling home or no more last minute plan changes where I have to pickup our son from daycare so she could go out with friends last minute. And because I wasn't sure she wasn't in an emotional affair, the C said I really needed to ask about it.
Well, to sum it up, I brought up having boundaries with her not making last minute plans and not calling home, and she replied that she is not a child. I told her its about her giving me respect enough to do or not do those things and I'm not her live in babysitter to support her social schedule. So I don't know if she was really happy about that whole thing.
And then I said I had another thing to talk about, but I didn't know if it was the right time. But she insisted I tell her, so I said that I know she told me before that there was no emotional affairs going on but something still bothered me. And it was that at the time she was dropping the bomb, something came up where I think she was saying that there was an emotional affair. But a couple days later, when I asked again, she said that there was none. And when we did MC, I asked about it there, and again she said there was none. But the other night when she was out late, I couldn't sleep worrying about her. I didn't want to call cause I didnt' want to seem like pursuing. And I woke up and noticed that she was in the car on the driveway on the phone for awhile and it was 3am. So it made me start to think about the whole emotional affair thing again. So because my IC said I needed to ask if it was bothering me, I brought it up. And as expected, she was all offended, and said there was none going on. Though she never did say who she was talking to on the phone, and said that it was really none of my business.
And then she told me things that she has told me before and at MC (when we tried a few sessions together). She again reiterated that she really doesn't feel anything for me, and that she realizes now that even 10yrs back when we got married our bond wasn't strong, which is why we are where we are. And that this is why she doesn't believe that we would ever be 'fine' again, and that is why she doesn't want to try anymore and just wants it to end. This is just crushing to me again. She again says that she knows that it wasn't my fault, but it was 50/50. Some of it was her. And though she has 'learned' why things went wrong, she doenst' care to fix them cause she doesn't think we had a good bond and probalby weren't good for each other in the first place.
So now, I think it's getting hopeless. It feels like for some people's sitchs, they can hope the spouse can see they there were changes that bring the marriage back to the past when it was good, or that maybe ending an affair can get the WAS to be able to have feelings for you again.
And I've been DBing for 2months now, and trying to do my own thing and give her space like she asked for. But she also mentioned that in the past couple months, our 'connection' has dwindled away to nothing. But I'm thinking that it dwindled away cause she doens't even really talk to me. How can she be thinking that any connection dwindled away if she won't even say good morning to me. She tells me she doenst' hate me, or have any feelings about me whatsoever. And she doenst' really care if we're friends, but just wants us to be amicable after a D because of our son.
But I'm today I'm barely clinging to any feelings of hope left, and don't know if maybe I'm at the brink of giving up altogether. Also, she was reading this book 'Coming Apart', which is for helping people get over relationships and moving on. And there were exercises in there where you write about your relationship from the start, and then write about why it wasn't good. And then there is a 'poison pen letter' that you write, where I guess you write a nasty letter to your spouse and let your bad feelings out. I don't think it is really meant to be seen by the spouse, but I saw it. Her laptop broke and she asked me to help transfer everything to her new laptop. I saw the document, and maybe I shouldn't have read it, but I did. It was very, very hurtful, and I'm still hurt from reading it days ago.
Anyone have any ideas for me? Please post. Do you think if I even called for a phone coach it would help at this point?
