Treese, You are expecting him to be the man you knew. Do not ever expect him to be there for you or your family while he's checked out to the Mother Ship. It's very important that you are now doing the solo parenting and must rely on yourself, friends and family. He's gone Treese and until he realizes that you and your family are not still standing in the same place that he left you, he will not miss you or them. It's time to go extremely dark...live your life as if he were dead and from this day forward rely strictly on yourself, friends and your family. Do not ask him to do you darn thing for you.
BTW, yes, he would pick the ow over your son right now...he's in transition/crisis and it's the "me" stage. He knows that you will take care of everyting and quite frankly, he's checked out of the marriage and being a parent for a while. We've all heard and seen this over and over here on the board. Unfortunately, there isn't a cure for this disease except time, distance and loving them unconditionally from afar.
Treese, I'm very sorry you are going through this. Please do not call or contact him again. He really does need to be alone right now. He's made a terrible mess of his life and he's got to figure out what he needs to do to make himself grow up.
I do hope that your father is doing better. Treese, focus on you, your family and your father for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly.,, I was actually waiting for your post...you are so down to earth and always to dead on with what to do...'
I have gone extremely dark....I told my H not to contact me at all, of course he did the OMG....H picked up my son yesterday...I communicated through text...I am so much better when I don't talk or see him...a little angry at him still but I'll be fine... My D22 said he could come stay with her a few days and his friends mom says he can stay with them too....I do have wonderful friends in my life,,,I just have never been one to just "drop" my kids anywhere....It will all work out...I know, it's just hard...
And that mother ship....geez....when does it sink....for the most part I did leave him alone that's why I thought he could let me have a break and take s11 for the week...I should have known better...we don't hear from him at all...only son....H has tried to get D16 to go to lunch with him but she won't go...
Oh, In my rage the other day with him...I told him not to even think about bringing OW to my D's wedding....not only do I not want her there my D22 says absolutely not....I might run over her with YR's Bus Sry that was mean but really...I don't not want that ruining my D's day..she will tell him that...
So, yesterday I went and watched a basketball game with a male friend and then we got food and came here to my place and watched a movie....D16 came home and was ok with another male being here...it was an enjoyable evening....my s11 called, asked if I was home...he was with H....wanted me to go in his room and get a website he had written down....can't my H figure that out...so H probably thought I was sitting home...although I left yesterday while H was here picking up son....I also had an extra bag with me...
Thanks snodderly for keeping me together.....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
1. Don't tell your h not to contact you. The best way to handle this would be to ignore his calls and tms. It sends a clear and stronger signal to him when you don't respond. Actions speak/send a stronger message than words.
2. You've stated your feelings about the ow being at your daughter's wedding. Step back....it's your daughter's wedding....have her tell him. The message will be so much clearer coming from her.
Treese, you're reactions to your h's behavior/statements are knee jerk. He knows that he can push your buttons and you'll get angry and he really doesn't care. The button pushing is to get the reaction he wants to justify why he left you and is still gone. As long as you continue to say the things you do to him when you are angry, the longer he's going to be the "pod person" on the Mother Ship.
Learn to just leave him alone, do not expect one thing from him and if he does do something for you...thank him. He's a kid in a man's body and he needs to grow up. You are playing mother to his kid right now. Step back....it's not your job to be his mother.
Just leave him alone. Count to 10 if you feel your anger rising or just hang up the phone or walk away, but do not give him the satisfaction of seeing your anger. It's time to turn the tables a bit on him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BNd....I have a question for you....Did your H ever tell you that you need to move on, that he wanted you to start dating, that he would walk up to the guy and shake his hand? I was floored when my H said this yesterday...
H says he has found the life he wanted, he more sensitive now, and actually talks his feelings out....I've never felt more like it is truly over than I did yesterday....I'm so down today....
YES!!!!
He told me many many times to move on with my life and that I should date other people.
He told me that one day I would find a new Man to love me....
The funny thing was that during his crisis it seemed like I always needed to be available for him if he called, but if I needed to call him, his phone was always off.
When he came home he did tell me that had I dated someone else and it had become serious he would have been devastated to have lost me because of his own stupidity.
((((((hugs))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Just yesterday kind of went through the same thing with my H. He has not been checking cows every day and we are calving. Yesterday it was 3:30 and I finally called him. Asked if he had checked them. He said no, I was furious. Like snodderly said a kid in a mans body. He said I could check them if I wanted to, if not they are fine. He was and had done nothing all day. I just said "nope, I'll take care of that too. TTL" and hung up. I wanted to say SOOO much more. But I've learned it does NO good what so ever. But oh so hard not to chew their ars!
We had a cow have a calf in the creek so I had to call him back to tell him. He did come. I know that I could have been nicer but I was ticked. So I was as pleasant as could be and it went fine. I never said another word about his irresponsibilty and childish ways. Might as well of talked to the cow.
Hang in there girl!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
My biggest problem in this whole mess is that he does know how to push my buttons and I do react...that's what I have to get a grip on....I will try walking away from my phone and not responding to him or calling him...you're right I need to turn the tables...it's time....the light is out...I'm going dark....
BND.....all my friends always say,"wait til you actually start dating someone or if your H sees you with another male, it will hit home"...with my H...if you could have heard it in his voice...He was so sure of everything...right down to shaking a new man's hand....crazy...then you start thinking of just a few years ago we were redoing our home and laughing and mother's day was wonderful...then boom he snapped...It's crazy...
TOH....what makes it harder is my S11...he is always asking if he is going to see his dad and it breaks my heart to always say I dont' know...so I end of texting H to see if he can take him for a night...he misses his dad....and he's at that age where he really needs him...my dad has been spending more time with him though since he is home sick....that's always nice...my dad is a great grandpa....words can't express the love I have for my dad...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
He told me many many times to move on with my life and that I should date other people.
My H has told me this a few times too. OUCH
Quote:
He told me that one day I would find a new Man to love me....
He told me just about a month or so ago that there has to be some farmer out there that can give me the life I want.
Quote:
The funny thing was that during his crisis it seemed like I always needed to be available for him if he called, but if I needed to call him, his phone was always off.
This too makes me continue to stand for my H and my M. Gives me hope. If I do not answer his calls he gets very angry. And I might not answer 1 in 30 calls, then later he'll say "you never answer my calls!" Then like you not answer mine frequently. Its pathetic really.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
your right Treese about the children. I stepped out of their R with him a long time back. I realized the more I meddled the more he resented me. Anything I told him they thought or said, he always turned it around on me, like I was lying or whatever.
As hard as it is to watch, I know that my interference only makes things worse so I stay completely out of it. It's his mess to clean up. I cannot do it for him. In the meantime he is missing the best years of their lives. Sad but is...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Hi Brandnewday I'm being a bit of a pirate right now....but I wanted your insight and advice. Basically my H is immature. He seems to want to be a single man with as few responsibilities as possible. This past week, he asked me to come home, this is Thursday and give our friend that I'm staying with "his castle back" since our other friend, his wife is out of town until Tuesday. He said to stay at home and I thought this was an EXCELLENT sign. Up until Saturday afternoon, everything was fabulous. Saturday afternoon he came home and was just weird. I told him I would leave and go back to our friends house and he said ok. I was upset, but did well to not show it, but we did talk and he said in that conversation, as I was loading up to leave that "We are not getting back together." It gets worse. He tells me, after some prodding to come back Saturday night. So I did. He didn't get home until 2:45am, which really, didn't bug me. He doesn't do that often and I know he wasn't doing anything that would bug me. (Guys night with lots of basketball and drinking.) He was so distant and really disrespectful to me though this morning. I pushed a little too hard. I told him that maybe we need to move forward with the D. He needs to file. The problem we have now, or his problem anyways, my blessing oddly enough is that we can't afford to divorce. We really can't afford two households. But he said OK, if the county will take a credit card he's going to file soon and I told him to get his own insurance and to serve me at the place I'm staying. He told me today that maybe we should just take a break before we do/say something we'll regret. The girlfriend I'm staying with....her H is very good friends with my H. As a matter of fact, they spent the afternoon playing golf together as they OFTEN do. My girlfriend's H told her that for the last month he has wanted to tell me to give up. She finally pinned him down as to why. He said that my H often says things now like "....my soon to be ex wife...." And things like that and has been for the last month or so. I was so hopeful we were doing well and on the road to where we could create something new and wonderful, but I've been so wrong...so blind, so accomodating to him. My H has yet to have a whole weekend by himself with our S because I've jumped in to help because....I don't even have any good reasons for doing that. I'm so upset. I really truly am starting to feel we are at the end. I don't feel like I can turn this around anymore.
Sorry to hi-jack here, I hope you understand, but I didn't know where else to find you. Thanks for letting me cry here. It's been really really dark. I've even lost it in front of my S, which I can't stand myself for. How do I stop this? I've been so so stupid. So emotional.
I think it is time for you to put the focus on yourself now and not on your Marriage or your Husband.
If this is MLC you are in for a very long ride and there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him snap out of it.
MLC'ers are whacked!!
They say the stupiedest things, mainly to convince themselves. My Husband did it too, as did many others.
The thing is you have to give him his space, let him do the things he needs to do and step back.
He already knows you love him, you don't need to tell him or remind him. You are his safety net.
The one thing you have to do is to protect yourself financially during this time. MLC'ers have no comcept of a "budget" and will spend spend spend. It is part of the self entitlement.
Give your Husband a chance to miss you, and don't be so available.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Sry that was mean but really...I don't not want that ruining my D's day..she will tell him that...