stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

Journaling:

H started his ADs. He had quite a bad reaction the first time he took it, he was shaking violently, had a panic attack and couldn't sleep. It turned out he made a mistake by taking it at bedtime instead of morning.

Next morning he took it again and by the evening he was his "alien" self. All the signs of emotional intimacy were gone. Once again he was aloof, trying to avoid me as much as possible, not even looking at me. I know that he spent some time on the phone with Spider, he told me so.

I don't know if I deserve 2x4, I think not, but I started a R talk. I asked him what his plans are conserning Spider and keeping in touch with her. He said, he cannot imagine not talking to her at all yet and he will not accept NC with her if such is my demand. I said, I just think it's wrong and doesn't help our situation at all, it only prolongs everybody's agony. He agreed with that, but he said he cannot see the way to avoid it.

He also tried to explain his feelings for me and Spider again. He said, he'd be sure he loves her if he was blind and deaf . That he still thinks I'm beautiful and he likes talking to me and that we are deeply connected, but he cannot imagine been intimate with me.
In short, what he feels towards me is friendship and sympathy, not love.
He doesn't know if love will ever return.

I had to tell him that I cannot accept friendship instead of love. Still, I would do anything to help him, if he'd allow me.
He said, may be he should stay with his mom for a while, just to be able to pull himself together and work. It shows that he really is desperate for some peace of mind and feels that he cannot have it neither with me, nor with Spider. Normally he'd never stay with his mom longer than few hours.

I'm a little bit confused now, because according to DB rules I should give him space, not initiate R talk, keep myself busy and happy and let him be. But I'm absolutely sure that in our sitch it wouldn't work. After a couple of days it starts boiling over and it's painful to watch H sinking into his dull silent despair.
I think he needs me to aknowledge what's happening to him and not to pretend that everything is fine and I'm content while he's suffering next to me.
What's happening to him is not just grieving over OW and he's nowhere close to start healing process. Guilt was eating him alive and he came back in order to set things right, hoping it will somehow work out. Now that he's here he doesn't know how to BE, there is nothing he can do about it. He only lightens up a little bit while watching his pup.

I think that in my heart I'm ready to let go completely, I just don't know how to proceed about it. I don't want to tell him to leave. I think he appreciates our R talks but it's taking us nowhere. Now that I'm typing it, I'm not even sad. I'm so tired of all the heartbreak, I've no feelings left. Or may be it's just today, I don't know.

I also started to question his MLC!
I was his love from the first sight (and he still likes the sight of me), he waited for 6 years to get together (he waited out 2 long term boyfriends of mine), he was madly in love for many years, it must be extremely painful to him to accept the fact that he simply stopped loving me and he's struggling with that awful loss the best he can.
Hence his waffling and coming back.
But in his heart he knows the feeling is dead.

Is there anything any of us can do?

Right now I feel like moving as far away as possible, like Addie did, away from him and his drama. If the miracle will happen and the feeling will come back, he will find me. If not, I will start my new life, knowing I've done all I could and more...

If any MLC vets recognize the symptoms I've described (both H's and mine), I'd greatly appreciate an input. Is there anything I'm missing here?
I keep swimming in mud and cannot see the bottom...