WAH2

[Tawnya]

{{{{Kassie}}}} I'm sorry I've been out of the loop except to run in and out of DB quickly..my jet setting and sunburn and working the past 2 days 12 hr days does not a good combo make LOL Thank you and I'm here to commiserate with you as philosophically as you want to my friend

As far as the "love doesn't conquer everything"..I know what you mean. I am SUCH an optimist and such a LOVER of love in general, like a romantic girly girl to the max LOL, I hate that statement, but I feel like that too sometimes. However, maybe it's not that love doesn't conquer everything, but it may not conquer what WE think it should..but the sitch may still turn out the best for us to learn to love ourselves?! I dunno if that even made sense to ME ROFL..so I hope it did to you It may be too late in the day to wax philosophical

Sounds like you are doing SO well tho, thru all the crap that your hub is trying to toss your way! I'm glad Silva helped you see something clearer..it's always neat to me how someone objective and outside of our "bubble" usually gets it and sees us and/or the sitch so much clearer than we do! That's one of the things I love about this board

Sounds like you have a busy Friday..and I'm working a half day in the afternoon tomorrow, but I will hop in and see if you were able to reply and see how YOU are!

Tawnya

[Startingover2]

You are doing so well. Your posts are so insighful and you will find the clarity that you are looking for.

Thank you for your support on my thread too. Its nice to have the great advice about the A. That throws such a monkey wrench into the already big mess.

[kassie]

I didn't get to explain what happened this week. Tuesday night H calls out of the blue - there are two reasons I will answer the phone - the first is in case of an emergency - MIL has alzheimer's and can go at any time -DIL is pregnant - and it turns out he just wants to say hi and see how I am doing. He goes on to tell me everything with him and I finally break in to say I (it was true) had just walked in the door from work and was burnt out. But before hanging up I ask if he will meet me to transfer title of the car. He reacts but quietly mumbling things that upset me. I calmly start to respond in kind and feel myself getting agitated so I suggested we stop.

An hour later I emailed my last thought about how he says he wants to see me and work things out but then acts and talks in ways that push me away. Short mail. He emails back a one liner that is telling of how hurt he is and how much he wants to hurt back. I decide to let it go. Next day, another email from him kind of cryptic and so I respond one more time that he is missing the point. I see another long email from him - having a tantrum - so I ignore it. Then again later, another email saying Ok call me when you want.
I checked the emails again and it seems that the tantrum occurred right after the phone call and registered out of sequence which explains his last email that everything is ok.

I don't think so. He calls tonight and asks me if I want to meet for coffee, then adds, probably won't want to but I can call if I want. I was pretty angry at first. I wanted a break tonight. I didn't want to think about him or us or any problems. So, I let it go - watched shows I taped - and then journalled my thoughts.I am really tired of this game. I have tried to be nice, fair, open minded, and it doesn't register any change in his behavior toward me.

So, I will not answer his call - I will put off the title change until I am ready to deal with him again. Maybe next weekend or during the week. I know he won't stiff me on that one - he says a lot of stuff but when I ask for something he will do it no matter what he says. One thing I learned about him. If I can put up with the c**p he will deliver.

I am feeling slightly stronger as I think about some of the feedback I get on this board. So here's a giant thank you and hug to everyone who has stopped by.

[Tawnya]

{{Kassie}} Well I would say don't answer the phone, as I said on the other board. If it is an emergency, hopefully he will leave you a message that it is that..

Also..back and forth with the email is about the same difference and, as I was reading when you said you replied back about one of the emails, I was like "ugh..no don't" LOL..because either way he's GOT you..you know..he's getting you to talk to him via email cause you are cutting off his phone contact..so if you cut off his email contact..he'll probably try something else..which stinks for you..but he will get the hint and/or run out of ways to try to contact you LOL

Hope you are getting a break today

Tawnya

[kassie]

No such luck... but I didn't answer and I turned the phone off.

Having a lousy day mood-wise. I tried to rest and had all sorts of memories come back. I tried cleaning and that brought up other memories, even food shopping with my D (which is usually distracting enough) memories of shopping were present.

It's just like the week after he moved out. Can't figure what's going on with me.

[Startingover2]

I think we will have triggers for a long, long time.

I am sorry you are down today. Tomorrow is another day.

You are so good about keeping the distance, detaching, and keeping control of your emotions.

Hang in there.

[smartcookie]

((((Kassie)))) just checking on you. I know how hard it is not to respond to the emails. I had two crazy phone calls with H yesterday. Why do we keep thinking that one of these conversations they will hear us ??

I'm realizing today that H is completely incapable of thinking of anyone but himself. We have 5 kids in the house. I was out walking. He grills himself a hamburger, & doesn't even ask the kids if they'd like a hamburger. Ugh !

Oops, made that about me. Sorry.

Your H's tantrums sound so familiar.

Hugs

[Silver Fox]

The weekends are the worse. I'm the strongest I've been since this all started and I'm really plowing through the anger stage now but still, the memories come and go.

[kassie]

((((Kassie)))) " Why do we keep thinking that one of these conversations they will hear us ?? "

Made me laugh so hard!


"I'm realizing today that H is completely incapable of thinking of anyone but himself. "


I think we see it all the time and only notice it when... (fill in your own blank here)


"Oops, made that about me. Sorry."


Don't apologize for venting with me. We are here for each other because we have been going through similar feelings and thoughts. You are welcome anytime to commiserate with me. I will either join you or give you a boost.

"Your H's tantrums sound so familiar. "


How old are they?


"Hugs"

Right back at you!

[kassie]

Today he called four times - I was actually busy and missed them all honestly. The first three asked my to meet him for coffee and/or call him. The fourth one was the usual "BLAST" for not responding as he wants. It came while a realitor was showing me a place and I am glad I waited to listen to it.

I processed the past week and weekend and realized a few things - I tried being nice, doing 180's with no change. I tried reinforcing the positive experiences and ignoring the negative ones.I tried reasoning, acting as if, no change here. I tried going dark/dim and he just gets louder and worse. But the last usually got my attention. Today I didn't do it. I realized that he is still trying to act as if he has control over me and the R. much the same as when he was drinking. I recalled that what got through to him then and more recently was my decision to stay out of the way - to stop being his target and not interfering with his choices and behavior.
I decided not to respond to the threats and negative behavior. I will give myself a break and let him learn what he needs to learn. It has worked so far, so it should work again.

I started looking for a smaller house. I have to brag about this one - I visited a 55+ community, the realitor greeted me with,"I would be glad to show you the homes available but I am not sure you understand that this is an exclusive community for people over 55" I smiled and replied,"Yes, I know that is what I was looking for." R then says," But you have to be 55 years old." So I smiled again and,"Yes, that's my age." R says shyly,"Oh!, I used to be a policeman and I was very good at judging people's age -guess I am really losing my skills." Anyway, I thought it was cute. He took my information and offered to help me find something which was another reason I went. I don't really want to stay in this area but I wasn't sure what housing sales are doing - and interest rates. I also wasn't sure if I could do what I was thinking about financially with this change. He confirmed that I could do it. Something I needed to know -while m H is still arguing with himself about the car.(I have some new ideas about that one too.)

So, it is a quiet evening -everyone has left the building (my house).