I wondered if you may be able to help me with something. In December my stbxh asked me to go on a mortgage break for 8 months I agreed on the condition it would be for a maximum of a month and then we would switch to paying an interest only mortgage. Well, I have been a bit lapse and only just got around to changing the mortgage. So I sent him a text asking if he was happy for me to restart the mortgage payments from April but could he let me know that day or the next day as I needed to send the form off for it to be processed in time. He texted me back that evening asking how much the payments would be and I answered him. Since then I have heard nothing (Thursday night).
The other issue is that he hasn't been paying into our joint bills/ debts for 4 months. I don't think he did this deliberately as I only just realised that I shouldn't be solely responsible for these. So I sent him an email laying out all the finances and apportioning them correctly. He hasn't answered yet except to say that he had received it but he was busy. Perhaps this was the wrong thing to do as it has always worked best in the past when we have met and come to a conclusion together it is just I haven't wanted to see him lately.
I don't know how to handle this really. I don't want to sound like a nagging wife etc as that isn't me anymore and it switches him off and I will get nowhere. I wondered about asking him if he wants to meet to chat it through rather than doing it over email - that has worked well in the past I could try telephoning him - that would be very different. Emailing/ texting to chase seems to me the wrong thing to do.
I am feeling very stressed over it all but I think because it is finance stuff and that always stresses me and I am transferring it over to h. Although he could at the same time help me out a little with it and be a little bit more responsible - argh I sound like his mother! I'd be grateful for any input.
I am in the same boat, as you know. What I do, is keep finance discussions to a minimum, as thats not really the 'issue', as in, any awkardness/emotion I feel is to do with us being former partners and him having left me and not really to do with money. So maybe just examine your feelings first off.
Secondly.. are we talking large sums? If not, can you cover the bills/debts until he does get back to you, even if that means he ends up owing you? Again, I have covered things and my ex has paid me back (usually promptly) rather than chase him on occassion and I was mindful not to use that urge to chase as simply an excuse to have some contact with him and I had to be really honest with myself there.
I'm confused on the finances though.. you say you WERE on a payment holiday for more than a month in the end, so Christmas until March and you asked if its ok to resume payments, on an interest only basis?
If you are selling the house anyway, there isnt any need or benefit in resuming payments in fact, you could take advantage of the whole 8 months, and I guess you know that, which might be why he hasnt replied (I would be confused, if I were in his shoes)... the unpaid interest just gets tacked onto the overall amount owed.. which will then get paid out of the profit of the house sale once you redeem the mortagge. There isnt any penalty for doing this and as you are selling within months/a year hopefully, you wont really pay much extra interest overall for the privilege of having had a slightly bigger mortgage after not having paid 4 more months of interest on the loan. Yuo do realise this ? So.. no need to send those forms off yet?
As for him not paying into the bank for bills/debts.. again, what bills are these? House insurance? There cant be many things he has to contribute towards now he has moved out and I doubt its large sums.. so I would wait for him to get back to you and I cant really see any need to meet him to 'discuss it'? Worse case scenario is, you would keep a spreadsheet of costs you thnk he hasnt paid or owes you and you can take that off the bottom line when the house sells, again, unless you cant cover the costs in the interim? He did let you know he received your email but was busy, thereby implying he will get round to it !
I agree, we are the ones who have to be financially responsible and its annoying and not fair, but it is how it is. We are the grown ups hey!
I know it sucks, I havent seen my ex since November and I cant really make him want to see me. Same goes for you. But if you want to see him, I would be brave and suggest a catch up drink or lunch sometime and not make him meet you to discuss small matters of finances. He might feel arm twisted by that?
Lastly.. me and my ex have tangled finances, he managed to send me half for a landlords policy the other day, but not for half of a boiler check, but as it was only £60 I didnt bother asking him for half. I know its 'right' to split everything 50/50 and apportion costs, as you say, now we are split.. but sometimes Julia, you just got to let it go, chalk it up and realise that money is the least of it. The real issue is the loss of an R and a potential future with someone you loved hey. IMHO.
If you are selling the house anyway, there isnt any need or benefit in resuming payments in fact, you could take advantage of the whole 8 months, and I guess you know that, which might be why he hasnt replied (I would be confused, if I were in his shoes)... the unpaid interest just gets tacked onto the overall amount owed.. which will then get paid out of the profit of the house sale once you redeem the mortagge. There isnt any penalty for doing this and as you are selling within months/a year hopefully, you wont really pay much extra interest overall for the privilege of having had a slightly bigger mortgage after not having paid 4 more months of interest on the loan. Yuo do realise this ? So.. no need to send those forms off yet?
No, I am rubbish at this kind of thing and was panicked by the thought of interest building up and probably blinded by this. I suppose if I wanted to enforce the payment holiday for one month I should have done it, instead I left it so there is no harm in another 4 months I suppose. Thank you so much for explaining it so clearly. I don't know what I was imagining but it was something along the lines of huge debts piling up!
It is not a great amount he needs to pay me (£70 a month), house insurance, credit card bills etc which I can cover without inconvenience but he should be paying. Again though I can wait for his time on this one - it is more for his benefit so he doesn't have to pay out a large amount in one month but you are right, I can take this off the base of the house sale. So long as I keep track that I am owed this money. If I look at my feelings it is this that is upsetting me/ stressing me and it is an old cheeseless tunnel
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He did let you know he received your email but was busy, thereby implying he will get round to it !
Argh, this makes me so mad! How do I deal with this emotionally? It happens again and again and blinds me each time.
You are right it isn't fair for us to have to be the grownups but you are right, it is the way it is and on the plus side may make me more savvy in the future.
I don't really want to see him at the moment. It would be nice to catch up about non-finance stuff so maybe in a couple of weeks I could ask him if he wants to meet for lunch and work more on a friendship.
How do I fix this now? I feel silly if I send a text saying no to worry so I suppose I could just wait and see if he responds. If he wants to restart it then send the form but if he doesn't it is no big deal and let it go.
No worries! I love a bit of a financial riddle me, I considered being an IFA at one time (until I realised they are a bunch of salesman and aligned to the devil, so went off that idea).
"How do I fix this now? I feel silly if I send a text saying no to worry so I suppose I could just wait and see if he responds."
- no, just be normal. How would you handle it if it was an old friend? You'd send a text saying.. oops, scrap that, just realised we can stick to the mortgage holiday for the remaining 4 months and hopefully get an offer on the house in that time, which will lessen outgoings for now. Let me know though if you do want to resume paying, otherwise, we'll leave it as is. Hope you're well/your leg is better/footy was good last week (some innocuous friendliness), J
or something !? Maybe leave it until Monday morning though.
How do you deal with it? Separate his behaviour over an unpaid credit card over the fact he left you for a woman at work and wasnt even man enough to do the courtesy of TELLING YOU? Same for me Julia! I dont care he didnt pay a £60 bill, I care he baied on an 9 year R for a higher quota of BJ's per month, probably Sorry, in a funny mood tonight! You still going to C? Or have you been going? I did 14 months which helped but didnt actually 'cure me' of all of this hurt ... just time hey.
Lol, you just made me laugh so much! Thank you Ali.
Yes, I can be man, or woman, enough to say when I have made a bit of a fuss over nothing. In reality I found the form on the side and panicked about not filling it in
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Separate his behaviour over an unpaid credit card over the fact he left you for a woman at work and wasnt even man enough to do the courtesy of TELLING YOU?
Yes, yes, yes! Although the unpaid bill does really annoy me. Although if I am being fair I don't think he realised he had to pay, now he does lets see what he does.
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I care he baied on an 9 year R for a higher quota of BJ's per month, probably
lol, I hope they both (ow) get lock jaw and really fat from all the extra calories
I have booked my initial music therapy course for next weekend to see if it is right for me. I took this quote to explain it Mishka
"For example, music can convey feeling without the use of words. For a person whose difficulties are mainly emotional, music therapy can provide a safe setting where difficult or repressed feelings may be expressed and contained. By offering support and acceptance the therapist can help the client to work towards emotional release and self-acceptance.
Music is essentially a social activity involving communication, listening and sharing. These skills may be developed within the musical relationship with the therapist and, in group therapy, with other members. As a result clients may develop a greater awareness of themselves in relation to others. This can include developing greater confidence in their own ability to make relationships and to find positive ways of making their needs known. It can greatly enhance their self-esteem.
Music can be a great motivator and can be used to promote developmental work, for example with clients with physical and/or learning disabilities. Involvement in creative music-making can assist physical awareness and develop attention, memory and concentration. Obviously, as each person’s needs are different, the various possibilities offered by music therapy will not be so easy to separate. Rather, there will normally be a considerable overlap between the areas described."
It is basically a way of people interacting. I would say throughout this stuff with h, music has helped me sooo much. Music therapy involves a lot of improvisation, you don't have to play an instrument, although the therapist does.
Well, yesterday was a strange day. I took the bull by the horns and went round the house and gathered up all h's stuff and separated it from mine. Then I piled it all into the cupboard in the spare room so I no longer have to look at any of it - not that I really did before. However now I can shut the door and it doesn't have to be touched again until it finally all goes.
It was a bit sad - although I still can't cry for some reason. I just realised how before he left he was really making this his home (well till about a month before). He was sorting all his trains and his magazines and stuff into boxes and getting ready to start his model railway. Of course there were all the memories we shared together which made me sad. I still can't believe he threw a 7 year relationship inc. an 18 month marriage away for a fling that at that point had lasted a month - I suppose that I know of but I my gut tells me that is true. Especially after all we had been through together with the illness. It was funny because I remembered something he had said just after he had left and it made me realise that he hadn't really planned to leave at all - he just suddenly made the decision and did it.
I know I shouldn't dwell. I suppose it was seeing all the stuff that made me sad. I just can't believe that he threw everything away the first time we even had vague problems and chose another woman.
Well, it is done now. I have to believe it because it is the reality. It is just very sad and hurtful.
On the plus side I found some cool stuff that was mine!
Hey Julia, I am sorry. It IS very sad and all of us here know what you mean.But it is necessary to say goodbye to move on. You got another chance to start over. You didn't plan/want it, but you got it. It is exciting as well, no? Take care, l&xxx K
Kalni, you are right and I am really trying to stay positive. Thank you for reminding me
I suppose it comes down to the issue again of me getting annoyed because I have to go at his speed. Whenever I 'request' something it gets ignored - the email to him saying I know about ow, asking him to come and work on the house so we could have got it on the market earlier, me asking him for his contribution towards the bills he needs to pay half of. But when he wants something and I am co-operative (and I always am!) then he responds so much better.
I get annoyed that he won't man up and just give me an answer if it is something negative. For example he could just say no, I don't want to start paying the mortgage yet, or yes, I am seeing another woman and I have moved in with her. The thing I am annoyed about is the lack of response not so much the individual issues - for me the ow and the not paying the mortgage are side issues. It is the fact he just ignores me and hope that it goes away, which mainly it does because I drop it. Why should I?
Every time this comes up these old issues for me rear and I don't know how to get past these old hurts because he does it over and over. I get so frustrated. I don't the solution to this.
I'd be grateful for any input.
Sorry, in a funny mood tonight! You still going to C? Or have you been going? I did 14 months which helped but didnt actually 'cure me' of all of this hurt ... just time hey.
