Most Difficult Time of My Life

[Kokopelli]

I must admit, I thought I had been through tough times in the past, but NOTHING compares to dealing with my WAW. We are going on 5 weeks now since she dropped the bomb on me. I got back from my out of town trip last Wednesday and she told me she filed for D! I left to CA the next day for a business trip. I was served my papers this past Tuesday. I still can't believe she filed. We didn't even try separation first. We never tried counseling, she never asked to go and neither did I as I was somewhat oblivious to her unhappiness. Things have been so tough for me since coming back home on Sunday. My emotions have ranged from all out hopelessness, to extreme anger that she would toss me & our marriage away like garbage.

I have been DB'ng for 4 weeks - trying anyways. Looking back I did everything wrong, but it seemed like it was working. I wrote a letter, bought gifts, talked to my in-laws and her friend. We were doing things together before I left, grocery shopping, etc. We did not have much communication while I was traveling. 1 text message back and forth daily. Her friend that I talked to came over to "talk" to her before I returned, and she told me that the conversation with her friend pushed her to file for D. I can't believe how dumb I was. The D timeline is superfast here, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have been doing the little things for her that I never used to do that she asked me to. I get up with her in the morning and make her lunch and smoothie for breakfast before she goes to work. I make dinner and do household chores I was never good about doing before. She has given me a hug almost everyday this week before she left to work. I thought progress was being made...on Thursday she stopped by my office and brought me lunch, she didn't eat, but she hung out with me while I ate and we talked about small things, family, etc. I got too excited about it and think I backslid. She went out that night and didn't get home until 130am...this infuriated me. She's doing all the things she complained about that I did! Ever since she brought me lunch on Thursday it feels like she has been distancing herself from me further. She has been staying so busy she is never around the house or me. She brought up the D yesterday and talked requested that I begin splitting up our cellphone account, bank accounts, etc. I have been very calm in these talks and have never showed her emotion regarding the issues.

I didn't see her at all yesterday. After I got off work, I went and hung out with some friends and then went to a movie by myself, where I feel asleep due to mental and emotional exhaustion. As I left the movie, I felt so much despair and anger. I cried tremendously hard on the way back to the house. She was already asleep when I returned and I went to my bedroom in agony again. This morning we saw each other in the kitchen. She got called into work, I was getting ready to go the gym. I didn't say anything, she said good morning and began to ask if I wanted to keep the house. I said I did not want it and walked into the bathroom. She asked why to which I did not reply. She then asked what my plans were today. I think I see a pattern in her. At first I thought she was asking what my plans were to be nice or possibly do something together. I now am thinking that she is asking so she can avoid me. I don't understand what is happening...she slipped up and called me sweetie twice on Monday. I then began to call her sweetie also and began to pursue more than I probably should have. I don't know...this probably makes no sense. I'm doing a brain dump because I'm so confused. I am so afraid of not doing the right thing. Should I pursue? Should I show emotion? My IC yesterday said that my failure to show emotion toward the situation might be affecting her behavior and actions toward me. That goes against DB'ng and has left me unsure.

I'm starting to feelt that she is simply being nice to me to try to keep the D amicable, but for no other reason. I also found out yesterday that her and her friend from work (she has been married 17 years) filed for divorce within a day of each other. I knew this friend has been influencing her thoughts, how coincidental is that? She is so cold all of a sudden, I don't recognize what happened to my sweet precious W. Yesterday was the first talk we've had about our R since all of this began. She initiated, I did not. I apologized for being selfish in many ways and not recognizing how unhappy she was. I told her I get it now. She said she had been telling me for a long time, I can see the instances looking back, but she never came out and directly told me unless we were arguing. I told her this whole experience has changed me forever. She said she is not the same person anymore either and went on about how weak she has been and finally had the strength to do what was needed. She then mentioned our finances and how I needed to start matching her pay into the account if we are still going to share our main bank account. I own my own business and have had a severely tough time the past 4 months. I haven't been able to pay myself and she is very focused on that and has been since the end of last year - even though we made a decision together that I would quit my job and build our retirement 1 year ago. During our R talk, she said "you would think since you were relying on my income to survive that you would've treated me better." That hurt so much. I didn't think I was treating her poorly. I was definitely far from perfect, but always affectionate and loving.

I went to a new IC yesterday. She said W has lots of issues she needs to deal with because she has been harboring resent for actions from our past. She has never let me live down any mistakes I made in the past, and always throws them in my face when we argue. The IC said we don't communicate effectively, which I see now. We used to always talk. We talked all the time! We just never talked about the issues that were boiling beneath the surface. She is so focused on my mistakes that she fails to see her contributions to our problems. Please don't take that as me saying I don't accept responsibility for my part. I do. I have many, many regrets and things I wish I could rewind and re-do.

We have been living on opposite sides of the house for 1 month now, even though I was traveling for 3 weeks. This is so strange and painful. I have this intense pain that I can't explain that does not diminish or go away. I am getting stronger, but it doesn't take much for me to breakdown. She hasn't worn her ring in 5 weeks. I stoppped wearing mine yesterday, I'm not sure why. I think out of anger towards her actions. She denies that there is an EA or PA, but her actions have me think otherwise. My DB coach (have one of those in addition to IC), said she is doing all the things she felt she was denied during our M. This is probably true, even though I never denied her anything. I have been thinking about moving out, but am not sure. My father told me yesterday that as long as their is true love between two people you never give up trying to make it work. This really hit home to me, because I know we truly love each other even though she hasn't been showing it much. In a way, I feel like moving out before the D might be a wake up call and shake her into action. It might be good for me mentally as well. On the other hand, I don't want to move because it would be impossible to DB. We have no kids, so there would be very, very little reason for contact. In addition, I'm not in a financial situation to do it. I can, but don't want to spend our savings on it. I'm just unsure and confused.

I have been so hopeful and optimistic, but am having a hard time continuing with the optimism because of her distance and continuously avoiding me. I have to respond to the D papers within 2 weeks or a default entry gets set and she can get whatever she requests. She got really upset when I told her that I was going to see an attorney. She said she was being very fair and I didn't need one. I don't disagree with us splitting things fairly. I could care less about the materialistic crap around here, I just want my marriage and wife back! I do have an option to request conciliation, which basically buys me another 60 days - it's an attempt at counseling but cannot be forced by the courts. They just put the hearing on the back burner before a date is set. I hate my life right now. I went from on top of the world to feeling like I am drowning at the bottom of the ocean in a matter of 1.5 months. I know if I respond with the concilliation request, she will get upset because I'm stopping her from achieving her freedom from me.

Any words of wisdom or encouragement? I want to keep fighting for her and us, it's getting so tough for me. She shows no signs of backing down.

[marriedCrazy]

In a nutshell, figure out what YOU want to do. Don't let her drive this train. If you want to fight for your M; then request conciliation. What is she going to do? Divorce you twice? It would give you more time to DB and make yourself more attractive to her again.

[Still Waters]

Sorry to hear about your sitch, Upgrade. There will be many difficult weeks and months ahead for you, so first things first: take care of yourself. Go to the gym often, eat well, hang out with friends, read books, and find ways to get your mind off your W.

Secondly, there is a good chance your W is having an affair. When I read your post, this was a huge red flag:

"She brought up the D yesterday and talked requested that I begin splitting up our cellphone account, bank accounts, etc."

WAS's who are having affairs almost always want their own cellphone accounts because they have been calling and texting an OM/OW like crazy and want to cover their tracks. I took one look at my WAW's phone bill (after she requested that I put the account in her name) and I knew that she was having an affair.

If she is having an affair, you need to detach and focus solely on you. Pursuing her will only drive her further and further away. Whether or not you snoop and find out for sure if she is having an affair is up to you. I tend to be in favor of exposing affairs, but other people aren't.

I don't have kids with my WAW either, and yet here I am, still fighting. I won't fight forever, but I'm giving it all I have for the next few months. Who knows, my W may come around. But if there's one thing I've learned it's that NOTHING I do or say will bring my W back. She needs to make that journey on her own. All I can do is worry about myself.

[Kokopelli]

You are so FD*(&*( right!! I just checked her cell phone log and found she's been having lots of late night text messages to some OM. I also found in her log calls from OM. I am furious!! Should I confront her about it??

[Still Waters]

Whatever you do, take some time to cool down. Confronting her when you're filled with anger won't do either of you any good.

I do think that you should confront your W. But first you need to take a full day (or better yet, two days) to collect your thoughts and think about what you're going to say when you do confront her. People on here, including me, will help you with that.

For now, collect whatever "intel" you can and keep a good record of it. The more evidence you have the better, because people in affairs ALWAYS deny, deny, deny.

I'll write more soon, but know that you're not alone. About 2 months ago I went through the EXACT thing that you're going through.

[Still Waters]

One more thing, don't tell anybody about what's going on until you've confronted your W. Don't talk to your family, her family, or your friends about it. Things like this have a way of spreading around, and you don't want your W to find out that you know until YOU tell her yourself.

The key when you do confront her is going to be remaining cool, calm, and collected. To do that, you need to take some time to let your thoughts settle.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Upgrade,

If you think you can handle it, don't tell her you know about her cellphone yet. Do you have detailed billing on the phone? If so, collect those bills and store them in a safe place (hopefully they're available online; if so, print them to .PDF and save them by some nondescriptive name, and shoot a copy of one to a web-based e-mail address like yahoo or g-mail). As SW said, you want to gather as much info as possible right now before you confront her.

Who is this other guy? Is he married?

I have been where you are, as has SW, as has dozens of other people on this forum alone. Although you've just taken a BODY BLOW, there is some "good" news in that at least you now have a reason why your wife is behaving the way she is. There's also a good chance that much of what she is telling you about her lack of feelings toward you and the marriage is nothing more than affair-script "re-writing of marital history."

Puppy

[abby smiles]

Oh upgrade.....I feel so bad for you. My only advice regarding confrontation about OM is that when I confronted my H about OW the day after Valentine's Day...it kind of blew up in my face. I asked the question "do you still want to be married to me" his first response was yes, but then over the course of a few hours and us talking, he convinced himself that our issues were unresolvable. I wish I had never confronted him with the valentine's day card with "her" initial on the envelope. I wish I never found the notepad that had the name/location of the place they went on V-Day. I wish I could take it all back....even if things were strained before, the "move-out" talk would not have happened. EA/PA is unconfirmed but highly suspected. My H is still living here, but similar to your W makes himself very scarce. Gym twice a day, long bike rides on weekends, etc....

So if I had a do-over, I would wait to confront. That's just me but I do wish YOU the best with whatever you decide.

Your post really touched home and I feel so bad for you. Keep your chin up!

Abby

[Kokopelli]

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I have already talked to my dad about it. I could not contain it. I am so (P*&#$#$ furious! But as Puppy said, now it makes so much sense why she is behaving this way. I was on the fence about moving out, but I have made my mind up...I am out of here. I still want my marriage to work, but obviously nothing I have done has worked. I cannot "act as if" and still be in the same household with her. I'm not sure if it's PA or EA, but they are sending lots of 2:45am messages. She actually instigated the messaging at 2:45. I am so hurt by that. The phone logs only go back until the 10th, but there is 1 # in particular she has been sending a TON of messages too. I called from my "blocked phone" 2 numbers and they are both guys. No answer, but VM came on with guys names.

I guess this is her way of really moving on. My current plan is to do as you suggest. I am going to collect more "intel" and not mention it to any one else. She's is going on a trip to CA this weekend, I will probably confront her before she leaves and ask if she's seeing someone. While she is there, I am going to move all my stuff into an apartment and terminate all our joint accounts. When she gets back she will be in for a surprise. Then I will confront her about it.

As much as I don't want to, I hope that me moving out jolts her into reality. I know it might take time, but at this point I have to for my own sanity. I will have to fine tune my plan as I go, but I am actually really clear on things right now. The intense pain inside is numbed a bit for now, but I have a feeling it is going to hurt a hell of a lot more than before shortly. I am absolutely devestated. I never in a million years would expect my wife to behave this way. It all makes sense now.

[Kokopelli]

@ Puppy:
I'm not sure who this guy is or where she met him. All I know is she has sent several text messages at very late times - unusual for her because she is not a night person. Now I know why she is so concerned with what my schedule is everyday. She is avoiding me, AND she is probably hanging out with OM. I'm trying to figure out how to get more proof...I'm not sure. I would like to read these text messages, but she has that damn phone attached to her at all times.