Please don't take this wrong...BUT.....have you always been this way? Having to find a book in order to find an answer?
What about your gut? What does your gut tell you to do?
BND, It would be a significant change if I left a room, or made the decision to end the conversation, rather than tolerate her verbal disrespect, when she's having a rant about some expectation I failed to meet.
I do need the guidance of a book for this issue. Assertiveness with an angry spouse is difficult. It tends to unbalance and immobilize me for some reason. I don't think I can just go into a situation and improvise a response. It needs to be rehearsed.
My gut tells me that I need to stand up to her, and stop allowing her to manupulate me with her anger. I'm also on the right track with my GAL efforts.
I'm not sure what you mean by your question about my using books for guidance. I think it's mainly a learning style preference. I don't want to overanalyze my relationship with books, and think it would take us on a tangent.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My gut tells me that I need to stand up to her, and stop allowing her to manupulate me with her anger. I'm also on the right track with my GAL efforts.
Gut -1 Book - 0
: )
Assertivness with an angry spouse. After you gently but firmly make your point if she responds with disrepset or anger, walk away do not engage do not reward.
She is pushing your buttons and you react the same way every time, am I right?
Don't sink to her level, and politely inform her that the conversation is over until you both can talk and not fight.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It would be a significant change if I left a room, or made the decision to end the conversation, rather than tolerate her verbal disrespect, when she's having a rant about some expectation I failed to meet.
I've been doing this lately just b/c I don't feel like hearing any crap. And it has been working. His mood changes to a better one. Or he apologizes. Moods have been a lil' lighter athome since I've been doing this. It's a HUGE 180 for me too. Since I was a kid people told me I should be an attorney b/c I loved to argue.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
After you gently but firmly make your point if she responds with disrepset or anger, walk away do not engage do not reward.
She is pushing your buttons and you react the same way every time, am I right?
Don't sink to her level, and politely inform her that the conversation is over until you both can talk and not fight.
The opportunity to do a 180 will present itself at some point. She seems interested in keeping peace for now.
The emotions have been in waves this week--anger, sadness, embarrassment, and others. Acceptance is a difficult state of mind to reach.
It's awkward making a transition to being roommates. My car broke down after work on Thursday, so I wasn't able to make it to my dance lesson. She had invited a friend over and had music on, and they were dancing. She told me I looked stressed, and needed to leave the room, because I was upsetting the dog. I left and went to the library so I could have some space.
She emailed me that people in the dance community at the venues we used to go together are asking why I haven't been around lately. I've been going to other venues and studios to build my own network. I'm not comfortable going to a venue where she comes and goes with someone else.
Her neice's ice show is coming up next month, and her nephew is graduating from high school. In the past, I've driven my W and her mother the two hour drive. I told her that it's unlikely that I'm making the trip this time.
I was hanging out at the local used bookstore last night, looking for memoirs, autobiography, and essays to read. I have a studio dance tonight, and a dance venue I can venture to tomorrow. I've been asked to go the Sunday night venue, so I'll have some folks to connect with.
I emailed my brother, to inquire about my nephew's spring soccer schedule. It would be a nice trip for my dog and I to visit a park to watch my nephew play soccer and connect with my brother.
When I notice myself getting too preoccupied, I find a sound to anchor to, and listen to it, to break my rumination, and calm myself down. It helps to some extent. It reminds me to get out of my head so much, and get back to living.
My work life is going well. I moved to the main office of our agency in November, and now work in a larger professional community, instead of a satellite office. I'm enjoying the daily connection with colleagues. I make a point of taking a 1/2 hour break in the lunchroom most days, read a paper if alone, or chat with colleagues if there's a group.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, once again I am dumbfounded at the things your wife says!
Quote:
She told me I looked stressed, and needed to leave the room, because I was upsetting the dog. I left and went to the library so I could have some space.
You just couldn't make that up! so unless the dog tells you your upsetting him I wouldn't have left but I do understand why you did. I just might be joining that queue to have a word in her shell like! arggggh I am so happy thet work is going well for you and that you have a chance to socialize with colleagues. I fond that hard to do when going through my madness but issolating oneself is not the answer. God bless.One day this will be over, not what you wanted I know but I think a much needed ending for your sanity.
You just couldn't make that up! so unless the dog tells you your upsetting him I wouldn't have left but I do understand why you did.
God bless.One day this will be over, not what you wanted I know but I think a much needed ending for your sanity.
Naej, Thanks for the Saturday visit, and the laugh. I'm home alone today with my sheep puppy dog, enjoying the peace.
I do enjoy sharing scenes from my life with my W and hearing other's reactions.
I forgot to mention in my last post another scene, I wanted to share.
My W and I have a cooking job on Sunday. We cook for a relative who has a special needs child. It takes the equivalent of a full work day to shop and prepare this food.
The job has evolved into my doing 90% of the work. I actually enjoy the work, plus it's great money. It pays for my dog's daycare, with still more leftover.
It's easier to not partner with W, as you may understand, and do the job myself. If it weren't for me, she would have quit the job months ago.
Her role has evolved into packing the finished items into coolers, so that I can deliver them at the end of the day. This 30 minute task is the most stressful part of the job.
There are naturally dirty dishes and pots and pans at this time. She came home from her sleeping elsewhere around 6PM, last Sunday. She brought her male friend with her (I don't know the status of their R, it may be simply an EA, as I think he is M).
She told me and sent a couple emails to me a few days later, that her friend confronted her on her behavior. She said that he took her to task about her unfairness to me. He told her that I'm doing most of the work, and that she had no right to complain about a mess afterwards.
She told me that maybe he's right, and that she needs to think about her behavior. I couldn't help but start to laugh, about her choice of words,that she had to think about and consider his comments.
I know that I should be the one confronting her when she gets angry. It's one of my 180's to practice. It's still nice to get validation and justice from the world sometimes.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I went to the bi-weekly dance my dance studio holds last night. My connection continues to build with my classmates and the dance community. It's nice to deepen connections on my own terms, without the presence of my W. When she's there, I have to be in H mode.
I still get questions as to why my W hasn't been joining me lately. I gave that person a sheepish look. He knew by my look that it was an awkward question for me to answer. There's one person in the dance community who keeps asking where my W is, and I finally told him that we were having problems. I don't think he'll ask again.
This dance studio is one of my lifellines currently. There's a classmate who doesn't have a dance partner, who partners up with me in class. We practice the moves together whenever we see each other at a dance. One of the dance instructiors is very friendly to me (doing her job I'm sure, but I think likes me as a student, because I'm appreciative of her attention and feedback).
My W and I are cordial and polite to each other. She is being more of a partner with the cooking job. I don't see us being friends as long as the sleeping elsewhere continues. I can accept being roommates for now. Roommates can chat and share nonintimate aspects of their lives, but don't hang out together. I'll have to think about what criteria would need to be met if she were wanting to pursue a friendship.
I'm reading Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach so I can develop the skills of acceptance. It's a concept used throughout this forum, but I need a guide on how to attain this skill.
She talks about being able to clearly see reality, holding onto compassion, and seeing how we create suffering in ourselves via grasping, resisting, and judging.
In regards to my situation, I think I struggle mainly with resisting and judging. I do judge my W and her actions. I want to make myself a victim, and that something must be terribly wrong with her to seek an EA/PA. I doubt that it's black and white. I also find myself wanting her to go away, and have a painless D. I find myself not wanting to be around her when she's home.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, I keep thinking about the intimacy impasse. One poster suggested to me that my W is looking for an intense sexual experience, and that I have a different style. Another poster suggested that I'm withholding, and that I need to just do it, and get over my hangups.
I told my IC that it seems like when I've tried in the past to be intimate with my W, that it seems like I'm supposed to be perfect, and there to feed her ego. I'm not able to be honest and talk about my concerns, or have concerns.
She controls the conversation and keeps the frame as my intimacy issues. As another poster observed, sending me off to IC, to be fixed, like I'm a car going to a mechanic, does not resolve the problem.
I know there are some posters who believe this is my failure to step up to the plate, and provide this for my W. I continue to believe there is a relational component, and that the solution is being able to discuss it without reactivity.
My W is choosing to address this issue by seeking EA/PA, which makes it less likely that we can solve our intimacy issue. I find it sad that a M may have to end over a solvable problem (or is it?)
On the other hand, the situation is forcing me to pursue my interests and create connections that are mine. I tend to lose myself trying to make my W happy. Maybe this situation will serve as a correction to healthier boundaries.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I was home briefly with my W before she went out dancing for the evening.
She talked about how she nurtured a male friend of hers (a nice guy actually), who is going thru a D, and helped to connect him in the latin dance community. She talked about how she wished she could have done that for me. She noted that I seem to be blossoming without her in the ballroom dance community. She said that we weren't a good match for anything. My intuition told me to leave it alone, and not try to reassure her. I think she needs to feel what she's feeling.
She's getting closer to making the commitment to quitting smoking. This kind gentleman who she's been nurturing thru his D, offerred to help her quit smoking. It's interesting that he has a similar temperament to mine, and has similar qualities.
It was pleasant to talk with her, rather than being silent, like it has been in prior weeks. There has been no mention of a D, lately.
An opportunity came across my email today. Writing is one of my GAL activites. I've been writing for about two years, so am still a beginner. This year I've been trying to develop skills in creative nonfiction, particularly the personal essay. I've been doing it daily on my own.
The opportunity is that a local private library is hosting a weekend workshop on creative nonfiction. The timing is excellent. I will certainly attend this.
I was a member of a writing group, but wasn't ready for it. I will need to find the right writing group at some point, again. This will be my first workshop.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
