It's only 7:30 am and I went to a friends house last night and talked for hours about my sitch. I got home late and my wife was asleep.
So I had not told her I was not going to leave. This morning my wife has to go to a conference for most of the day so I will be with my two sons. Yesterday she told me that she had wanted to talk to me. You see she I told her on the phone yesterday that I may have plans for the night. She asked me what or where I was going. In my mind when she asked I felt like, hay you didn't tell me about the fact that you bought concert tickets for in the future and worst of all you have asked matt to go again and are being deceitful about it. so.... I felt like you don't tell me what you are doing why should I. So I skirted the question, she then said I would be telling you were I am going, but if you don't want to tell me thats fine. So I said well you got the concert tickets the other day I didn't tell me about them so I don't know what our boundries are still because you just won't tell me what they are. Then she said maybe we could talk about it later.
So now it's this morning and she and I wake up because the boys are up and foraging in the kitchen and watching cartoons. She tells me she is sick and doesn't want to go to this concert but will be going anyway.
My compassion and love for her kicks in and I say is there anything I can do for you, do you want me to boil some tea for you. vShe says Ya that would be nice. You see, in my mind because this huge shift in me and how I do things is just sort of instinctual that I just want to take care of her. Is this bad?
I then I begin to rub her back because I am justy a touchy affectionate person by nature. But when I do it my mind goes to, she has said in the past when i have asked about the boundries she is comfortable with she has told me that to her, she "doesn't need me to give her those affectionate touches, but she doesn't MIND It either, so if I feel like I want to do it it's ok with her."
In my mind I feel like ok I do this automatically because i am a naturally affectionate person, but if she doesn't really care why am I doing it.
So I screw up and say to her do you care if I I rub your back and give you that kind of affection. She responds in an irritated manner, we have gone over this before to many times before, and then says if feel you need to/ want to thats fine with her.
So now here is my screw up, part of me doeas need to and part of me i guess just wants her to as well. So I guess I feel disapointment shich means I must be doing it for the wrong reasons. Am I right here?
There that part of me that says to myself this is the kind of love and affection I would like to get when i am sick and tired, etc. So I am going to do it because thats what I would like done for me. Is this wrong?
So now I am upset for a couple of reasons. First, because I am trying to just take care of her because when I do she says she appreciates it, but........ doesn't really need it. So it's like she wants it both ways. Second, because I have truly as of Friday the 13th. have decided it's time i really start to look out for myself and stop thinking what does she want, need, think, or how will she react and will that reaction be so negative that it will ruin any chances i have of restoring our marriage. Essentially I see all that I do is in fear of losing my wife and family. Sucky feeling!
So it's like she has been walking on eggshells for years because the emotional abuse. I now I feel like I am, out of the fear that maybe we could still have a chance so don't do anything at all that could put that at risk.
So I pushed the issue with her this morning and said to her that the reason i am asking once agin where is she at with our ralationship, I know slap me in the face bad bad choice to force the issue, but I said are you just done. She says, we gone over this and over this to many times now, I told you how i feel. But in my mind what she has said is," Right now in
IN THIS MOMENT I dont feel like I can go on with our marriage anymore, our relaionship has been toxic and unhealthy for her and therfore I want us to separate, and as far as what the future holds about us I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN."
So in my mind that sounds like she doesn't want it right now, but that there may be a chance in the future. AM I WRONG IN MY INTERPRETATION?
In addition when I pushed the issue I said to her does this mean you done? She doesn't like it when I word it like that so she says, I have told you how i feel and where i am at.
I respond with well I have heard you repod in the way you feel comfortable with, but doeas all that you said, which to me sounds ambiguous, mean that you are done with our relaionship. She gets very mad with that and says i am trying to get her to say something that she doesn't want to say, i think meaning she just doesn't like the way I put it. Shr then says if you are going to push it then yes "I am done".
So then I repond with, "ok then, just so you know... I am not leaving the house and i will not let you kick me out." She then slams the bathroom door in my face.
I have obviously Fd. up big time this morning in the way I handled this. So let me have it and let me know how to approach the discussion she wants to have tonight.
This is obvioulsy going to be the big bad conversation. PLEASE ADVIZE ME HOW TO TALK TO HER TONIGHT.
{{{Sad}}} Ugh..you are already having a heavy day and it's still way early in the day my friend!!
I did the "not tell my hub" where I was going thing because he had done that with me..he never seemed to care..but I don't think there is anything wrong with making them see you also can have a life that doesn't involve them..which is the point of DB'ing in the first place..for YOU!
Sounds like you are coming to that realization when you talked about what you are doing out of fear vs what is good and healthy for you! Figuring that stuff out will get you 1000 steps ahead of the game! Yes, we all seem to give others what it is we really need, the whole 5 Love Languages and that..
What I would say about what she said is to not put a lot of stock into it either way. If you read many of the threads on here, you'll see a spouse will say something one day and something else the next..the roller coaster you know?! The BEST thing you can do is just move yourself forward, however you need to do that, and HOPEFULLY she will come along for the ride. Either way, YOU will turn out better, stronger, and happier!
Hang in there and vent as much as you need!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Morning to u...I hate that it got off to a tough start for you. I'm not sure I have the best advice...but, a few comments.
You have to decide that you can live without her. I thought you made that decision yesterday, but, you seem to have forgotten that already. I'm very affectionate and my H was not. The best thing someone told me about touching him, etc., after the bomb was...think of the most annoying person you know and imagine how you would feel if they just wouldn't leave you alone...that's how a WAS feels about a LBS who keeps pursuing them...touching them, trying to talk to them and get them to talk back. You have to learn to leave her alone.
For the conversation tonight, try to just keep telling yourself that you can live without her...you can...I'm proof of that. Once you realize that, you'll be able to be stronger when you deal with her. Try not to beg, try not to plead, try to validate her feelings..."I understand why you might feel this way. I hear what you are saying." That's all you can do. Man up! Let her see you as confident. Let her remember the man she married!
Tonight convo is not the end all. Don't treat it as that...if you can't validate, then just be quiet and don't say anything at all.
Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, read it as soon as possible!
Good luck..I'll be rooting for you!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Ok i have composed this letter which I will be reading to my wife tonight. Let me know what you think.
One of the tragedies of this situation is that it did take you telling me that you want a separation for me to understand the depth of your unhappiness. Over the years an unhealthy pattern developed. One in which, and I will only speak of my part here, I emotionally and verbally abused you. It wasn’t until you began to take extremely brave steps to take care of yourself that you built the confidence and strength to stand up to my behavior. I applaud you for your bravery and respect you more than I ever have for taking a stand to say, I am so unhappy that I am willing to separate from you to make the pain and abuse stop.
In turn the shock, slap in the face, kick in the head is exactly what I needed to finally own up to my shameful behavior. This caused me to finally be ready to do the kind of soul searching that would make having a healthy and great marriage possible. For the first time in my life I feel no anger and no resentment, I only feel a warm embrace of compassion. Like never before!
I believe I am truly seeing where you are at and why you are there. You have been walking on eggshells, due to living in an environment were you have felt you need to tiptoe around my moods in hopes of avoiding blow-ups, criticisms, dirty looks, sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, and where you feel you must constantly edit what you say. You second-guess your own judgment, your own ideas, and your own preferences about how to live. You began to question what you think is right and wrong. Ultimately, your perceptions of reality and your sense of self changed for the worse. I see that you have had enough of my angry, resentful and emotionally abusive behavior.
I see that you are merely trying to regain the ability to value yourself. To regain the feelings of hope and wholeness. To reclaim your core value, your ability to create value and meaning in your life.
I have broken through my denial of abuse and am now ready for serious confrontation and healing of these issues, I believe we can both heal now and hopefully save our marriage. This awareness has and will change my life forever. I know I can only show you small consistent changes, and I know that my words mean little to nothing at this point. I can only hope that these profound changes cause a big enough ripple affect to allow our relationship to become as happy and loving as I know in my heart, it can be.
Please hear and understand that I only have genuine compassion in my heart. I want nothing more than for you to heal from your emotional wounds. That’s why I now truly see, hear and value you as separate from me.
I prey that someday I will find a way back into your heart!
--------------------------------------------------------------- I will now be consistantly be telling myself until i truly own it, i CAN LIVE WITHOUT HER
Good for you on the nickname change; that is a positive step.
Your letter to your W... well, don't take this the wrong way, but when *I* read it, I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
You are a sensitive guy; a lot like me in many ways, actually, but what exactly are you trying to accomplish with this letter? If words were going to have the effect that you desire, don't you think that they would have worked by now?
Do you remember the old James Bond movies where the bad guy would catch 007 and have him tied up and set to expire in some gruesome way? What does said bad guy invariably do? He tells 007 his entire plan! What does 007 do? He escapes, and armed with the information, he foils the master plan and the credits roll. reading your letter felt a lot like the bad guy spilling the plan. Actions! Actions speak a lot louder than words! Your letter is going to be seen by your W as pursuing: talking about "saving your marriage" and the "great marriage" that you can have?! No!
Detach, brother. Detach with your actions. And never, ever tell 'em the master plan! For the same reason that you never let them see you reading DB or DR. Armed with that knowledge, they can foil you.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Well yesterday I told my wife that it was unacceptable for her to kick my out and that I will not walk out on my sons.
After our long talk she told me that there is no way she can become the person she is becoming and wants to become wil she is in a realtionship with me.
She repeated that she sees changes in me that she had wanted to see all along. Though these changes have occured she is where she is. She said it took a long time for her to get where she is and that it didn't happen over night. Like my changes!
She said the pain she suffered due to my emotional abuse made her lose herself. She went on to say that a year ago she had to mke the decision to take care of herself. That change was about building her self confidence and re-energoze her core self.
She says that she has always thought about what I might be thinking of what she would be doing, or how I would react. Instead of just doing what she wants without thinking about what I want. So now she wants to be able to make decisions solely on makes her happy and whole. She says there is no way for her to do it while in a relationship with me.
