2) Most wayward spouses -- and nearly ALL wayward women -- have an enabling friend, usually a girlfriend, and maybe more than one that they surround themselves with. Has she cut off or pulled back on her usual relationships with friends and family, and gravitated toward a new small circle like this?
This is so TRUE!! My wife's "new" best friend is twice her age and has been enabling my wife to move forward and file for D. In fact they did it within a day of each other. Her true best friend has been telling her to work on the M and consider MC, now my W has very little to do with her. Strange phenomenon...I guess the cliche is true that misery loves company.
Me: 33 W: 26 Married: 5 yrs in July T: 8.5 yrs Kids: 0 Bomb: 2/4/09 D Filed (by her): 2/28/09
2) Most wayward spouses -- and nearly ALL wayward women -- have an enabling friend, usually a girlfriend, and maybe more than one that they surround themselves with. Has she cut off or pulled back on her usual relationships with friends and family, and gravitated toward a new small circle like this?
Yep. My W ditched her family and almost all of our mutual friends after she dropped the bomb. She has surrounded herself with lots of single and new friends, mostly ones who barely know me or don't know me at all. That way she can paint any picture she wants of me and our M, making herself out to be a victim. But she's knows she can't pull that nonsense with her family and our mutual friends.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
Hey guys...I know what each of you are feeling. I've been there. My M has been in shambles for 3 years. If I had found this place back then; maybe I'd be in a different position.
True detachment, IMO, can only come when YOU GAL. you have to occupy your life so that you are concerned with your own activites and you dont have time to concern yourself with hers. Only then can you let go.
In my sitch, my W needed to grow up and learn how to live on her own. She reached a point where she felt she had no identity; so she went searching. Now that doesn't excuse affairs; that's why it's important to establish boundaries and financial independence.
So, the wife just called. She said is D13 ever going to speak to me again or what? I said I guess, why? She said she was supposed to call me. I said hold on. She talked w/ D13 and when they got off the phone my D says what is her deal? I said what do you mean?
I don't understand why the wife thinks this is going to be easy for D13 or for her. I mean you just don't leave and expect everybody to be good. How do you make a person realize this? Or do they have to realize it on thier own?
Why does love have to be so complicated? This is so maddening...
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Most wayward spouses -- and nearly ALL wayward women -- have an enabling friend, usually a girlfriend, and maybe more than one that they surround themselves with. Has she cut off or pulled back on her usual relationships with friends and family, and gravitated toward a new small circle like this?
My W also. One of her friends left her H the same week my W left me, and another was widowed 2 years ago and is now living the happy single life.
How are kids supposed to learn how to have healthy relationships, and solve problems by working on them when they are getting this kind of example from their mother? When the going gets tough, run away from the problem and maybe it will all go away.
As much as I am heartbroken for myself, I am more so for my 2 sons who I feel will be permanently damaged by this. That is one of the big reasons why I think I can't detach, because I never want my sons to think I gave up. It's bad enough when one parent is a quitter.
I know what you are thinking about trying to keep your sons from thinking that YOU gave up. But what I've learned from my own S and D (and they are younger than yours) is that they know who has left the family and whom they can trust. Show them an example of what NOT to tolerate in a marriage.
It's tough when the WAW caters to every whim and waits on them hand and foot (guilt fueled bribery). Trying to teach personal responsibility and values is very difficult when parents don't work as a team, and one parent takes the easy convenient route so as not to lose affection.
When children are involved, you have to put aside the petty rivalries and arguments and think about what it best for them. Whether your WAS continues to have contact with them or not, they need to be reassured that both of their parents love them and that what is happening is not their fault.
MC is totally correct: kids will recognize which Sp walked away and which one stayed. Unless your kids are extremely young or materialistic, they will recognize when they are being "bought off".
My W, for example, took all 3 of our kids shopping just before she left. She spent over two thousand dollars on new clothes and electronics for them. Did they like going shopping? Sure, they are teenagers. Did they recognize what she was doing? You bet they did. In fact, my D12 even asked me afterwords if I thought she should return all the stuff mom bought her because she was worried that it would cause our new family some financial hardship.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Wow, what a day. Just got home from the movies and eating out w/ the wife and daughter. Wife was very pleasant out but when we got back to the house when gathering more things to take to her apartment she started on my about the phone call I made the other day. Apparently, the person I called made some calls of his own and it got back to the wife. She was highly pissed and told me that this was the type of BS that had made her want to leave in the first place. She said we are never getting back together and you just need to get over and quit being a baby. She said I should have left your ass in 1995 when I orginally wanted to. I said why didn't you then? Why would you lie to me for years? She said I don't know. I guess because D13 was born. She said I can't stand the way you've treated me and things you've said. Ok, have I said some things and not treated her well--that could be argued either way. Could I have done better--you bet, both of us could have. Was I immature?--yep. Have I matured?--yep The thing is she seems to have hit a point where she can take no.
I guess the big difference is I am willing to work on this and she is not. Another thing, because she was so mean about it I felt less emotional. I don't feel like crying, moping, nothing. I just feel empty and betrayed. What a cold, hard woman. I don't know what the future holds for me and my daughter but I know if my wife won't accept my love and all I have to offer then I will find a woman who will. It's just amazing to me how she is letting her anger rule her life and giving up so much for it. Uggggghhhhhhhhh....
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Wife was very pleasant out but when we got back to the house when gathering more things to take to her apartment she started on my about the phone call I made the other day. Apparently, the person I called made some calls of his own and it got back to the wife. She was highly pissed and told me that this was the type of BS that had made her want to leave in the first place.
God, that is SUCH script!!!! hahahahahahah
Can't they come up with something more original???
