It's only 7:30 am and I went to a friends house last night and talked for hours about my sitch. I got home late and my wife was asleep.
So I had not told her I was not going to leave. This morning my wife has to go to a conference for most of the day so I will be with my two sons. Yesterday she told me that she had wanted to talk to me. You see she I told her on the phone yesterday that I may have plans for the night. She asked me what or where I was going. In my mind when she asked I felt like, hay you didn't tell me about the fact that you bought concert tickets for in the future and worst of all you have asked matt to go again and are being deceitful about it. so.... I felt like you don't tell me what you are doing why should I. So I skirted the question, she then said I would be telling you were I am going, but if you don't want to tell me thats fine. So I said well you got the concert tickets the other day I didn't tell me about them so I don't know what our boundries are still because you just won't tell me what they are. Then she said maybe we could talk about it later.
So now it's this morning and she and I wake up because the boys are up and foraging in the kitchen and watching cartoons. She tells me she is sick and doesn't want to go to this concert but will be going anyway.
My compassion and love for her kicks in and I say is there anything I can do for you, do you want me to boil some tea for you. vShe says Ya that would be nice. You see, in my mind because this huge shift in me and how I do things is just sort of instinctual that I just want to take care of her. Is this bad?
I then I begin to rub her back because I am justy a touchy affectionate person by nature. But when I do it my mind goes to, she has said in the past when i have asked about the boundries she is comfortable with she has told me that to her, she "doesn't need me to give her those affectionate touches, but she doesn't MIND It either, so if I feel like I want to do it it's ok with her."
In my mind I feel like ok I do this automatically because i am a naturally affectionate person, but if she doesn't really care why am I doing it.
So I screw up and say to her do you care if I I rub your back and give you that kind of affection. She responds in an irritated manner, we have gone over this before to many times before, and then says if feel you need to/ want to thats fine with her.
So now here is my screw up, part of me doeas need to and part of me i guess just wants her to as well. So I guess I feel disapointment shich means I must be doing it for the wrong reasons. Am I right here?
There that part of me that says to myself this is the kind of love and affection I would like to get when i am sick and tired, etc. So I am going to do it because thats what I would like done for me. Is this wrong?
So now I am upset for a couple of reasons. First, because I am trying to just take care of her because when I do she says she appreciates it, but........ doesn't really need it. So it's like she wants it both ways. Second, because I have truly as of Friday the 13th. have decided it's time i really start to look out for myself and stop thinking what does she want, need, think, or how will she react and will that reaction be so negative that it will ruin any chances i have of restoring our marriage. Essentially I see all that I do is in fear of losing my wife and family. Sucky feeling!
So it's like she has been walking on eggshells for years because the emotional abuse. I now I feel like I am, out of the fear that maybe we could still have a chance so don't do anything at all that could put that at risk.
So I pushed the issue with her this morning and said to her that the reason i am asking once agin where is she at with our ralationship, I know slap me in the face bad bad choice to force the issue, but I said are you just done. She says, we gone over this and over this to many times now, I told you how i feel. But in my mind what she has said is," Right now in
