Most Difficult Time of My Life

[Kokopelli]

I must admit, I thought I had been through tough times in the past, but NOTHING compares to dealing with my WAW. We are going on 5 weeks now since she dropped the bomb on me. I got back from my out of town trip last Wednesday and she told me she filed for D! I left to CA the next day for a business trip. I was served my papers this past Tuesday. I still can't believe she filed. We didn't even try separation first. We never tried counseling, she never asked to go and neither did I as I was somewhat oblivious to her unhappiness. Things have been so tough for me since coming back home on Sunday. My emotions have ranged from all out hopelessness, to extreme anger that she would toss me & our marriage away like garbage.

I have been DB'ng for 4 weeks - trying anyways. Looking back I did everything wrong, but it seemed like it was working. I wrote a letter, bought gifts, talked to my in-laws and her friend. We were doing things together before I left, grocery shopping, etc. We did not have much communication while I was traveling. 1 text message back and forth daily. Her friend that I talked to came over to "talk" to her before I returned, and she told me that the conversation with her friend pushed her to file for D. I can't believe how dumb I was. The D timeline is superfast here, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have been doing the little things for her that I never used to do that she asked me to. I get up with her in the morning and make her lunch and smoothie for breakfast before she goes to work. I make dinner and do household chores I was never good about doing before. She has given me a hug almost everyday this week before she left to work. I thought progress was being made...on Thursday she stopped by my office and brought me lunch, she didn't eat, but she hung out with me while I ate and we talked about small things, family, etc. I got too excited about it and think I backslid. She went out that night and didn't get home until 130am...this infuriated me. She's doing all the things she complained about that I did! Ever since she brought me lunch on Thursday it feels like she has been distancing herself from me further. She has been staying so busy she is never around the house or me. She brought up the D yesterday and talked requested that I begin splitting up our cellphone account, bank accounts, etc. I have been very calm in these talks and have never showed her emotion regarding the issues.

I didn't see her at all yesterday. After I got off work, I went and hung out with some friends and then went to a movie by myself, where I feel asleep due to mental and emotional exhaustion. As I left the movie, I felt so much despair and anger. I cried tremendously hard on the way back to the house. She was already asleep when I returned and I went to my bedroom in agony again. This morning we saw each other in the kitchen. She got called into work, I was getting ready to go the gym. I didn't say anything, she said good morning and began to ask if I wanted to keep the house. I said I did not want it and walked into the bathroom. She asked why to which I did not reply. She then asked what my plans were today. I think I see a pattern in her. At first I thought she was asking what my plans were to be nice or possibly do something together. I now am thinking that she is asking so she can avoid me. I don't understand what is happening...she slipped up and called me sweetie twice on Monday. I then began to call her sweetie also and began to pursue more than I probably should have. I don't know...this probably makes no sense. I'm doing a brain dump because I'm so confused. I am so afraid of not doing the right thing. Should I pursue? Should I show emotion? My IC yesterday said that my failure to show emotion toward the situation might be affecting her behavior and actions toward me. That goes against DB'ng and has left me unsure.

I'm starting to feelt that she is simply being nice to me to try to keep the D amicable, but for no other reason. I also found out yesterday that her and her friend from work (she has been married 17 years) filed for divorce within a day of each other. I knew this friend has been influencing her thoughts, how coincidental is that? She is so cold all of a sudden, I don't recognize what happened to my sweet precious W. Yesterday was the first talk we've had about our R since all of this began. She initiated, I did not. I apologized for being selfish in many ways and not recognizing how unhappy she was. I told her I get it now. She said she had been telling me for a long time, I can see the instances looking back, but she never came out and directly told me unless we were arguing. I told her this whole experience has changed me forever. She said she is not the same person anymore either and went on about how weak she has been and finally had the strength to do what was needed. She then mentioned our finances and how I needed to start matching her pay into the account if we are still going to share our main bank account. I own my own business and have had a severely tough time the past 4 months. I haven't been able to pay myself and she is very focused on that and has been since the end of last year - even though we made a decision together that I would quit my job and build our retirement 1 year ago. During our R talk, she said "you would think since you were relying on my income to survive that you would've treated me better." That hurt so much. I didn't think I was treating her poorly. I was definitely far from perfect, but always affectionate and loving.

I went to a new IC yesterday. She said W has lots of issues she needs to deal with because she has been harboring resent for actions from our past. She has never let me live down any mistakes I made in the past, and always throws them in my face when we argue. The IC said we don't communicate effectively, which I see now. We used to always talk. We talked all the time! We just never talked about the issues that were boiling beneath the surface. She is so focused on my mistakes that she fails to see her contributions to our problems. Please don't take that as me saying I don't accept responsibility for my part. I do. I have many, many regrets and things I wish I could rewind and re-do.

We have been living on opposite sides of the house for 1 month now, even though I was traveling for 3 weeks. This is so strange and painful. I have this intense pain that I can't explain that does not diminish or go away. I am getting stronger, but it doesn't take much for me to breakdown. She hasn't worn her ring in 5 weeks. I stoppped wearing mine yesterday, I'm not sure why. I think out of anger towards her actions. She denies that there is an EA or PA, but her actions have me think otherwise. My DB coach (have one of those in addition to IC), said she is doing all the things she felt she was denied during our M. This is probably true, even though I never denied her anything. I have been thinking about moving out, but am not sure. My father told me yesterday that as long as their is true love between two people you never give up trying to make it work. This really hit home to me, because I know we truly love each other even though she hasn't been showing it much. In a way, I feel like moving out before the D might be a wake up call and shake her into action. It might be good for me mentally as well. On the other hand, I don't want to move because it would be impossible to DB. We have no kids, so there would be very, very little reason for contact. In addition, I'm not in a financial situation to do it. I can, but don't want to spend our savings on it. I'm just unsure and confused.

I have been so hopeful and optimistic, but am having a hard time continuing with the optimism because of her distance and continuously avoiding me. I have to respond to the D papers within 2 weeks or a default entry gets set and she can get whatever she requests. She got really upset when I told her that I was going to see an attorney. She said she was being very fair and I didn't need one. I don't disagree with us splitting things fairly. I could care less about the materialistic crap around here, I just want my marriage and wife back! I do have an option to request conciliation, which basically buys me another 60 days - it's an attempt at counseling but cannot be forced by the courts. They just put the hearing on the back burner before a date is set. I hate my life right now. I went from on top of the world to feeling like I am drowning at the bottom of the ocean in a matter of 1.5 months. I know if I respond with the concilliation request, she will get upset because I'm stopping her from achieving her freedom from me.

Any words of wisdom or encouragement? I want to keep fighting for her and us, it's getting so tough for me. She shows no signs of backing down.