I haven't posted anything in the past few days as the reality of FIB's posts are sinking in, and I'm trying like heck to detach and let go, but I'm having such a hard time of it.
I just want for the pain to stop, and it seems to get worse every day. I keep looking for hope, yet keep getting slapped in the face with reality, I'm just a mess and don't know what to do.
But thank you for the positive thoughts, I really appreciate any and all support I can get.
How's your weekeknd? I'm sorry it's so rough right now. I know the feeling of looking for hope & getting slapped by reality. The back & forth is painful!
A few things that helped me: emotional distance from my H, finally didn't take anything he said personal (even though it can still hurt), stopped looking for immediate improvement and realized it will take time, surrendered my M to God, and prayed a lot!
I think I finally got to a point where I had to give it all to God for my own sanity & health and I've felt a lot better ever since. There are still a lot of hard times but nothing like before. I try when I do get really upset to pray or read the bible and I am uplifted. Otherwise I will just continue to cry and be upset.
We are all here for you. I hope you have a great weekend :-)
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
(((FitChik))) Thanks for your words of encouragement. W and kids are away skiing this weekend, so it's particularly hard, as that was one of our favorite family activities.
I'm trying hard to detach, but honestly I feel like it would be easier to lose an arm or leg than to lose my family this way. I'm praying for strength, patience, courage and discipline to make the changes in myself that I need to make, and I'm praying for a miracle in W's heart because I know only God can make it happen.
I appreciate your and everybody here's support and prayers.
W and kids came back from skiing this afternoon and I was out GAL at the time. I came by the house at dinner time to take the kids to dinner, as I hadn't seen them for the past 3 days, and asked W if she wanted to join us. "Yeah, I can do that"...
Well, I guess I should have expected her to be distant, but even so, it was ridiculous how not in to it she was. No participation in any conversation, unless it was one word answers to something I directly asked her, or responding directly to one of the kids. Regardless, I kept the time light and friendly. S13 said "Maybe you can take us to NH some time" and I said "I was actually thinking of taking you to NYC on your next school vacation". S11 says "All 4 of us?" and I said "Mom can certainly come if she wants." S11 says "will you come too Mom?" to which she says"No, I don't want to go with Dad". Both kids looked very sad, and I kept on acting "As-if".
I'm just flabbergasted how she can be so cold and cruel. I love her so much and miss what we had, yet every opportunity she has to stick a knife in my heart she just jabs away.
After that point in the conversation S13 withdrew and really didn't say much, and S11 tried to keep things light and upbeat with me, but the tension was just so thick...
At least I can say that I'm not completely devastated by tonight's encounter - I didn't have any expectations and I guess the fact that she came at all was somewhat positive. I think maybe the fact that I wasn't reacting to her coldness just made her step it up a notch, and through it all I kept my composure and that just pissed her off.
I just started reading Love Without Hurt, and it is quite an eye opener. I read the first few chapters of the "Boot Camp" section, and I feel sick. Once again the cold slap of reality, makes me realize what a jerk I have been and how many times I really just didn't get it. I think I have to find something else to read, something that will give me hope and direction. Lately everything I have been reading has just been making me feel more hopeless and worthless.
I really wish the pain would stop. I just can't seem to detach.
Like everyone else says it stinks. I have a wife that has told me she settled and cna do better, I abused her for 10 years, and she is tired of being the breadwiner of the family, she never loved me and knows there is someone better out there. This is all after I left a position and took a paycut so she could take a promotion that she coveeted at the time.
I have read all the books you list and look back and could give you a list of all the things I did wrong in our relationship. A list of all the things that I wish I could do over. My guilt actually affected me longer than the loss of my wife.
You are going through the same as everyone else but you have them to help you through it faster. The people on this site are god sent.
It was your wife's choice. The two things that helped me get through it quicker and get to a place where I know I will be okay either way
1. Look at the realationship your spouse has with your kids as compared to the your relationship with them. My daughter would pick me 9 out of 10 times. That is proof that my wife is in an ugly place because she use to adore my daughter. Now she refers to her as the 'kid'and only talks about the stress.
2. Take those same books that you have read. And imbed your wife into them where you keep putting yourself. I will guarantee that your wife did as much damage tothe marriage as you did. The diference is you aare in a place that you want to learn while she is not. I bet if you do this you will see that the marriage/wife you are missing is the one from several years ago...not the one from the last year.
I feel your pain and have been going through it for the last 5 months. However I am finally starting to understand the guilt means nothing since the person I married won't give me a chance to try again. It is all on her back. And I don't want to go back to the way it was last year. If I can't go back 2-3 years then I want to go forward.
and asked W if she wanted to join us. "Yeah, I can do that"...
Uh oh...you just left your spoon in the hot chocolate.....
Quote:
I'm just flabbergasted how she can be so cold and cruel. I love her so much and miss what we had, yet every opportunity she has to stick a knife in my heart she just jabs away.
So..why do you keep handing her the knife?..and then love her for doing it to you?????
Quote:
After that point in the conversation S13 withdrew and really didn't say much, and S11 tried to keep things light and upbeat with me, but the tension was just so thick...
so..now you can see why detachment is so important...it comes down to one of your N.U.T.S.: to do what is right for your kids and if that is minimizing hurt and pain, make it so
song....I am so sad that you are in the beginnings of this. I...we....were all there. Compared to others, I know my posts seem most 'stern'...most 'forboding'...and probably least 'rose-colored-Divorce Busting-wins-your-W-back-in-3-5-years-if-you-wait'-ish......
..but....I walked your path.
Trust me here:
forcing a family when they don't want it doesn't work
R/M talk doesn't work
there IS NO lightening bolt and epiphany in the sense that there is a rapid recovery from this even tho' THAT is what we pray for
they don't see it as we do; we must understand this; no matter what YOU/I think, she/THEY think of us as their worst nightmare
those of us that find ourselves on these boards are usually the most difficult 'cases'
there is a reason that we are told to detach
Song...there is nothing I can say or do that will make the memories of your early marriage float away...there is nothing anyone here can type to you that will be a magic bullet that will have your wife realizing the mistake that she may be making...
Song...we throw the word around so much, but, WHAT does detaching do?
it starts the process of undoing our need to depend on another person for our happiness
it frees us to begin to look at ourselves and develop some introspection to guide us in change and growth
by letting go, you stop all those behaviors that cause pressure, stops pursuit, etc
Song...let go....and grieve. My little sister once gave me a poem, many years ago, that at first, I detested because of it's negative tone. Sadly, here, I think it is key:
Quote:
G-d bless those who expect nothing, for they shall never be disappointed
What I CAN DO....is simply support you....and be a "BetterMan" to you..to listen...comfort....and share when needed.
I think it's time for you to start to do family things on your own with your kids. I think it's time for you to develop your 'own' family. The first thing you will see is that you WILL survive and you WILL have a good time with them and you WILL see that you are OK. There is no need to say anything except that "we just going out together today...the bunch of us...to have some fun and a great time."
I think it's time for you to stop putting yourself and the kids 'in the line of fire', i.e., in situations where they are going to see hurt...pain....or...your W in the position of controlling your feelings. It's time to lead your family song...not 'away from her' or 'away from being a family'...but to a place of peace and strength. Your kids are watching you and they will learn how to be treated in a relationship...they will learn how to react to a person who rejects them....they will learn strength and/or weakness.
This is HER choice song. Not yours. These are HER issues...not you. Many marriages stay together for 50 plus years with all sorts of gobbledy gook going on. You worked with the tools you had at the time. If you have clarity now, then, you've grown, and that's a plus.
You have a choice now....to blame yourself, self-victimize yourself, allow yourself to be emotionally trodden on...to allow your spirit to be destroyed...or...
...to grieve what once was and, let go and move on to a better place and, in so doing, become a better person.
Don't let your spirit be destroyed.
Make it so.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Song, I can't for the life of me add anything to what FIB said. Well... except to emphasize this is a time for you to detach. What you are doing is not working right? Cheeseless? Stop bringig up discussions that are painful for WAS. Travel and such are. Believe me when I tell you, after that conversation about going to NYC, your wife likely cried herself to sleep for the next few nights because of kids reactions.
Don't do that. If you really do love her, then love her. Stop hurting her. Ironically, it's her choice to be in that position. But it's your choice to take great care to stop hurting her.
Detaching will help you to stop hurting her like that. It'll help to stop hurting you as well. It'll help you to stop hurting your kids. It'll help you to start grieving for the death of your old marriage. You don't want that any longer anyway. What you want is new. To get that, you have to stop hurting each other first.
There's no way to tell how this will end, Song. But you can say with more certainty that if you continue hurting her, you will know the outcome. You have a much better shot if you heal yourself and stop hurting her.
Try it and see if I'm wrong. You know what you're clinging to is not working. What have you got to lose my friend?
Peace to you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks all for your comments and candor, I appreciate all the words of support and direction that you are giving me. I understand that I have to detach, let go, drop the rope, whatever you want to call it - intellectually I fully understand that it makes the most sense for me to do exactly that.
Emotionally I'm not there, I don't know how to get there (except acting as-if I'm there) and I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to get there.
It's cognitive dissonance - my brain is not in sync with my heart. And believe me, I try, I really do try to follow your advice. Some days are worse than others, but I continue on, praying, trying to be the change I want to see, crying uncontrollably at times, and just trying to keep myself busy so I don't obsess about this.
Is it working? No.
Am I able to let go? No.
Am I obsessing about this any less? No.
How do you stop thinking about something when it's your first thought in the morning, your last thought before you fall asleep, your dominant thought throughout the day, and the sub-conscious thought that drives your dreams?
I am seriously questioning my sanity. I've seen 3 counselors, 2 MC's, my primary care doctor a few times, and a Psycho-pharmacologist since this started, and just last week I tried to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist, but was told they (the practice that my PCP referred me to) aren't taking new patients at this time. I could probably go back to my doc and get a different referral, but what is a Psychiatrist going to do, prescribe me some new pill? I'm already on 2 Anti-Depressants, Anti-Anxiety meds, and Ambien to help me sleep, yet I still feel like I'm about to break down at any moment.
I'm going to a Divorce Care support group meeting tonight, hopefully I can find someone that I can talk to that has been where I am and can help me get on a more even keel.
I really appreciate all the support I get here, but I need some human interaction, I feel so isolated and lonely, I just really need someone to talk to.
