Well, since I'm not sobbing for the moment I thought I would get on and vent....I did a terrible backslide.....it's awful....I was do so well and boom, screwed it all up....so now it's over....he's done with me for good....the sound in his voice was assurance...the D is right around the corner....
I had asked H the other day if he could take S11 over spring break for a few days, not the whole break, but enough time that myself and a girlfriend wanted to get away, just us girls...then H sent me a text....chicken sh**.. It Said, "Hi. I can pick S11 up at practice, I'll get him Saturday, and oh, I can't take him spring break I already have plans to go camping with OW"...WTF...he said he didn't know when the kids' spring break was but he didnt ask, and I know i've already told him...he knows, we've been together 30 years, we are always over Easter....
I immediately picked up the phone to call him, Wrong thing to do I know but I was ticked....
I said you can't take your son but you can go camping with your girlfriend?
H said I knew you were going to react like that, you wonder why I don't tell you anything....what am I supposed to say, aaaaaa.."thank you for leaving me, thank you for having a GF, a kid with someone else, and go have fun on your little camping trip." Seriously, he wanted me to be calm about it....He never does anything, yes, I told him this, another wrong move, I said , I wash the clothes, clean the house, take the trash down, mow the lawn, run kids to appts, practices,etc...and his response was,..."I don't have a home to take S11 to or I would take him more often unless you want me to take him to OW's house"...so the fight escalated...you name it I said it.....he said, we need to move forward with the D so the kids can have closure....he's moved on and so should I...he is happy and he chooses to wake up in the morning and be happy....well, I'd be happy too if I had no responsibilities....I told him he needed to take Matthew more than 24 hours at a time and he said, he would BUT...sometimes he's with the other kid and he needs to spend time with him too, that his other kid is excited he has a brother, wants to meet him...
I"m sorry but I said absolutely not until I talk with my son and H and believe my son is able to handle it....H wants to make that a happy little family....
I know I cant change the past but H was acting so excited about this other kid....hasn't been in his life for 9 years and now he's father of the year....I don't think so...
H Said the girls won't talk to him, that we'll see how they are when they make a mistake when they grow up.....OMG....I'm dealing with a 12 yr. old...nothing I say really matters, I do know that but he is so sure of his relationship with his girlfriend and their future together....I'm throwing in the towel...I have no fight left....he doesn't want to be with me ever again...he said that...he's happy...He said he's changed now he talks about his feelings, blah, blah, blah....
I said no matter if we're divorced....I will still be your wife, your first love, you can't change that and he said, He knows that and he's not trying to change it. He wants to take care of me....he doesn't spend money, he doesn't care about money...just wants me to give up....
I said, so if I go out with someone else it won't bother you? he said, "no, I want you to, I think it would be good for you..if you were dating someone I would go up and shake his hand"...REALLY? Now doesn't that tell you it's over? He's not bothered by me going out with another man...he's encouraging it...
I told him I never had a choice, he made it for me, no chance, no counseling, nothing...he said, "he can't help the way he feels"...nothing with him has changed in 2 years...he's still sure of his feelings for me, he's still sure he found his soulmate. He is with her in my opinion because she has accepted all he's done...and loves him....so I can't fight with that...
I told him he was going to be a lonely old man....he said, "no I'm not and kind of chuckled? Wow.....
So, here I sit, sobbing....and why? I was doing so well....I totally blew it....and I so need a break....a vacation....soon...before I go insane....
So, give it to me all the 2 x 4's.....I deserve them...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
No 2X4's from me. I have heard it all before. From my H and from most of the ones on this board.
I can understand you being ticked. I got into it with my H several times during his MLC. It is so hard to bite your tongue all the time.
Don't think that he is through with you just because he said something about a D. I heard that so many times. I heard that he was so happy with the ow and that it was his time to be happy. I heard from my H you should date. He acted like it didn't bother him.
Now, is the time to go dark. Don't call or contact him. Handle everything like you have been doing. Try to get out with friends. I know it is easier said than done. But you can do it.
You really need to let him be right now. He needs to feel the sadness of not having his family!
and thanks for not beating me up....I have just bit my tongue so much lately, I couldn't stand it anymore...
I did tell him not to call me at all...if he needed one of the kids to text....I have nothing left to say....
He acted like it was our loss if we don't talk to him....he was so calm about it all....that's what floors me...he never cries either...at least not in front of me....
I will go dark....love ya mom....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Well, you knew nothing good was going to come of it.
Of course, I don't think anything bad came of it, either. It's not like he was going to change his mind about anything based on one conversation. In his mind, right now, nothing is going to change. So, you didn't blow anything with him. What you did way knock your own PMA down a few notches. The good thing is that you can recover from that on your own.... you don't need any validation from him to do it!
So, pick yourself up, and figure out what you need to do to be good to yourself!
Oh, and if he won't take S11 for a few days, maybe you can some another option? Your parents, or maybe one of his friends?
I think you've beaten yourself up enough. Listen to Jeff. Pick yourself up and move forward----for yourself.
I stopped asking H for help with anything. I did this quite some time ago. It empowers me, and helps me understand that I can do anything without him. You need to get away, and you can't depend on H to take your son now. Like Jeff said, find another option -- another place for him to stay for a few days.
I think going dark will help you (if you can do it----I personally suck at it). You could always just pretend (and I do mean PRETEND---no ideas here) that H is dead. That you don't have a choice----there is no way to reach him even if you wanted/needed to.....................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Well, i've stopped crying for the moment....i cried all night...maybe because I haven't really for a while and it caught up with me....
For heavens' sake he picked his GF over his son....and we are off for 12 days...he cant even take him for a few days....that's sad...
Not sure if I said this or not but I told him he was going to be a lonely old man, only for him to say,..."NO, I'M NOT".."I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION"...hhhhUUUHHHH....
I really dont depend on him to do anything for me...just thought he could take his son for a few days....but instead he had to throw OW in my face...he knows it gets to me...he's so proud of his relationship with her that he doesn't care what anyone thinks....she must really be great....
And Dad is resting, thanks for asking...he still has no feeling in the right arm....Accident report shows that it should have been placed out of order but it wasnt and when they asked the supervisor, he had nothing to say....off for 2 months and will be re-evaluated....I think he needs to retire...
So today, my eyes are swollen, I'm drained...and sad....tomorrow I am actually going out with a friend, a male friend....I will have fun.....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
It's ok Treese. Sometimes we just have to say what is really on our minds. Not sure if you feel bettr after letting some of it out, but the problem is right now your h isn't listening, nor could he care. So it doesn't matter what you say, he won't hear it the way you expect him to.
Now in the future that could change, but not right now. That is why you must live your life for Treese. We can't bring these foolish men to see what is right and just. It isn't about that, but freedom for them. Hey I get to do what I want and I don't have to have you hoovering over my shoulder telling me what I should be doing. They want to be free to make their own choices, whether we think they are right or wrong.
You are doing good Treese. You life has been turned upside down, and it's ok to grieve and cry over what we have lost. Just don't let it consume who you really are.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
T I have actually gotten into some of those exact discussions with my stbx they forget fairly quickly all about them going dark may be a good way to detach for now and get stronger the ride gets bumpy sometimes just try to take care of yourself peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You really need to let him be right now. He needs to feel the sadness of not having his family!
Your right YR and soooo tuff to do. But! Do they? My H I think feels it but doesn't know that's what's hurting him. He blames everyone and everything instead of really taking a long hard look and realizing what made him happy. It is so sad, but so true that there is really nothing we can do.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
